The well Dodgy Joke Thread 2012

[Whiternoise]

Oldie, but still cracks me up

[Andy3536]

"the Higgs boson is the only visible and particular manifestation of an invisible force field that permeates space binding the Universe on a molecular level" Science Today

"It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together" Obi Wan Kenobi

Taken from sikipedia

[GoNz0]

At a classy golf course, three guys are waiting for their friend
to show to complete their foursome.

After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their tee
time, the three notice an oddball standing by the club-house all
by himself and carrying a bag of clubs.

The three of them look at each other and shrug their shoulders
and figure, "why not?"

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and
with a thick Italian accent, he agrees.

While playing on a green one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a
living?"

The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hitman."

Not believing the guy they begin to laugh.

"No, I'm not kidding" he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle
here in my bag, it costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The three golfers begin admiring the rifle and the huge scope
that is on top.

The first guy laughingly says, "I bet I can see my house from
here with that thing!"

As a friendly gesture, the hitman hands him the gun and says
"Here, take a look."

The first guy takes the gun and looks through the scope towards
his house just past the next hole.

"**** Me!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is
naked with the neighbor and they are kissing!"

He asks the hitman, "How much for you to pull the trigger?", the
hitman replies, "$1000."

The guy then yells, "OK, I'll give you $2,000, I want you to
shoot my neighbor in his dick for obvious reasons, and I want you
to shoot my wife in her mouth for always nagging me!"

With that the hitman takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim
towards the guy's house.

He is sitting their for a hell of a long time, just looking
through the scope.

The guy yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?"

The hitman says, "Hold on here, I'm about to save you a thousand
dollars!"

[SteadfastJohn]

Please don't shoot the messenger!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

[dave87]

Guys please put some thought into what you post - as a headsup a lot of stuff you find on Sickipedia is not fit for posting here.....

[b0redom]

Last one before the world ends....

I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge...
with a 'use by' date of 21/12/12. I think it's Mayannaise.

[GoNz0]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin ,

a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle
had a pink penis.



The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. '

In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three
Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch !!!.