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Well we've not done a random story thread for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages. So it's about time we had a bit of silliness. For those new to this kinda thang, just add one line at a time to keep the story moving & random. Usual rules of taste & decency apply, no swearing etc etc.
So..
"Twas the night before Christmas and all in the HEXUS house was still but..."
"a Moose gatecrashed the party hunting for teacakes and instead ended up entangled in the Christmas tree..."
.. and when Santa visited the Hexus house that night, he plugged in the fairy lights to see if the mooses nose would glow red like rudolph's...
but sadly, the Moose's nose was DC and the rest of the lights were AC
" oh mooo ", said moose as hung from the tree while he looked back at santa who was clapping his knees .Quote:
Originally Posted by g8ina
HO HO HO said Santa , " you are bright moose " would like some more cake to give your currents a boost ?
m
Now it happened that Santa was a reindeer short, having completed his FAA check flight earlier in the day, including a simulated engine failure...
.. So, what with Santa being a pragmatic sort of chap, he dragged the christmas tree, moose and all, up the chimney, battering the poor moose's head against the chimney wall all the way to the top,. where he promptly strapped a jetpack to the befuddled moose's back and cracked his whip...
Due to the cold and the scraping of the chimney the mooses ears lit up like headlights with a healthy red festive glow and Santas sleigh started to glide along the icy HEXUS roof....
after checking the admins off the nice list, the sleigh rose upwards, into the mist..
Santa, then turned up the heaters to Max, checked the Flux capacitor was.... Fluxing and punched in the coordinates he needed.
Unfortunately Santa was using Apple Maps to check his coordinates....
but the moose gave a google of joy as he knew where to go
as the moose climbed to a safe altitude he flew into a blizzard losing all sense of direction
and a low flying out of control cessna took off one of the moose's antlers in a mid air collision (i can't see this ending well for the moose...)
All looked bad for the moose until a passing frog took some parts from the Cessna and ribbeted the antler back on. Quick as a flash drive, control was regained, and the hard drive towards the NEXT station continued.
Moving through the night sky, Santa started to scan through his itinerary - he had the feeling he was missing something crucial.. ah, I'm quite abit early! he pondered, it's not even Advent yet! - why have I set off when it's only Movember?
Stopping quickly at a service station where he fashioned his beard into something more fitting for Movember, Santa then pondered what to do to pass the time until it was the right time to set off.Quote:
Originally Posted by sammyc
Strip Club was the obvious answer, so Santa unharnessed the hapless Moose, chucked a bag of hay down for the reindeer and led the way to the red light district...
Inside the services rest room he saw a crusty old book, vicariously he swipped it, the bearded old crook.Quote:
Originally Posted by deejayburnout
After taking it, it couldn't be read due to not purchasing the DLC from EA. :(Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAnimus
But on further inspection of the book a page dropped out....could it be...a fabled unused season pass for the DLC
~Actually will add a bit more to open multiple story branches~
Meanwhile Frosty the Snowman had been hauled into the local Police station as some horrid little child had moved his carrot nose to his groin and he was being processed for indecent exposure...........
The warmth of being indoors caused Frosty to begin melting rapidly - urgently he asked the arresting constable if he could make his one phone call. The officer handed him his mobile phone without a word (he was a quiet pc). Luckily, the phone's ice cream sandwich os helped refreeze Frosty long enough for him to call Santa..
.........and then Santa realised that he was merely a figment of people's imagination, much like Jesus, a story concocted to control behaviour of both children and Adults to social norms............and so he threw off all his clothes, and orgied with mooses, elves and christians until the sun came up........and realised what an arse he had been believing in centuries old fairytales............and so ensued the Nightmare before Christmas....
On his way out, he bought a bag of bah humbugs, to give to those without a sense of humour
Frosty and Santa met together and decided that those who are not filled with the Christmas spirit shall have download speeds capped at 56kb. They got on the phone to BT who turns out already do this accidentally on purpose.
'Im Hungry' said Santa
'KFC or McDonalds?' asked Frosty
"Burger King" replied Santa, "i'm of a mind to try the new Big King Moose Whopper Deluxe and wash it down with a slush puppy". Frosty gasped! "a slush puppy, thats cannibalism you fat, bearded freak" he yelled, swinging for Santa...
... and missed, losing his balance as he swung. Sadly he fell into an open slushy container and vanished into the sludge.
The Moose famished from his long jet-pack ride,was still looking for teacakes and ended up poking his nose into the open slushy container.
Noooo! wailed Santa as Moose slurped at the icy mess. The night wore on... and then... one bucket, a lend of the Burger King freezer and some artistic sculpting later, the reconstituted Frosty emerged, now a yellowish shade.... :mrgreen:
.. time passed. And then more time. Santa and Frosty looked around them - everywhere seemed deserted. Silent.
'Well', said Frosty glumly, 'after what I've just been through, you can sod this for a lark. We will be here forever if we wait around like hexus mugs waiting for something to happen. I'm off to John Lewis. If I were you, Santa, I'd give the whole xmas thing a miss and go & put your feet up over the entire festivities'.
'You know, I think I will,' said Santa, warming to the idea. 'Everyone will have to make do with jumpers and socks from their mums and aunties this year - they won't like it, but hey it's free soft-wear, they'll just have to lump it. I'm off home to have something on toast and clean my bathroom floor.' He turned to go, then paused. 'By the way, where do you stand on the question of women bishops?'
'That would be an ecumenical matter,' said Frosty. 'Fair enough,' said Santa. 'Well, see you next year then..'
Santa retrieved his sleigh and steered it into the sky, looking remarkably like a UFO as he banked steeply into a cloud, scattering piles of files and folders marked 'OiD'. Tearing up his present list, he tossed the scraps casually into the air, then unwrapped a chocolate orange labelled 'to Zakky, love Santa' and stuffed several pieces into his mouth.
The End (or is it..?)
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But as Santa flew off into the night sky there was a huge flash up high and down dropped a mars rover....
off santa went into the night sky, taking a tour of the world as he went, he didnt want to but the apple maps was useless. without the moose to guide him he strayed over the east mediteranean sea.
'beep beep, whoosh' went the missile defence system, mistaking him for a rocket.
off he zoomed this way and that, trying to break the target lock.
as he went low to try and fool the ground radar incase he set off more rockets, santa passed by a 'hidden' US nuclear submarine which had popped up to clean its air filters (all that thanksgiving turkey makes for siome stinky emissions)
to santas relief the rocket struck the submarine, for it posed a larger target of opportunity.
KABLOOEY!! went the submarine setting off something that santa didnt care about, for he was off home to see mrs claus, who had just baked some pie.
for he was hungry, in all the confusion he had dropped his chocolate orange.
and it was then he spotted the mars rover aswell.
'Yikes!' exclaimed Santa as Curiosity plummeted to earth, 'hope it doesn't land on Cat-the-Fifth! Now, about that raspberry pie', speeding up at the thought. The reindeer were getting tired of flying in circles - Blitzen was muttering under his breath, and Comet had folded altogether and was now just a liability. Finally they were within sight of home, when..
Comet finally let go and exploded all over the sky. Santa, being a cool headed bloke calmly grabbed a passing pigeon and stuffed it into what was left of the hapless reindeer, feathering the now useless damaged animal and reducing the aerodynamic drag on the vehicle. He started to look for somewhere reasonably hospitable to put down when.....
...he spotted a herd of Moose on a snow covered hill in the distance "Aha" he thought, " that looks like a soft place to land and at least there will be a plentiful food supply if I get stranded" So he angled his sleigh carefully towards the hilltop and went slowly hurtling towards the ground in the crash position (behind a blow up doll with Sammyc tagged to the toe). Just before impact he looked down and saw that the Mars Rover appeared to have locked onto his position and was following him....
...when he finally crashes into the Moose herd, hooves and antlers flying in every direction, Santa's hat landing on a stunned Moose, hanging off his horn at a jaunty angle. Legs in the air, surrounded by presents and buried head first in a snow drift he begins to dig himself out when he hears the whirr of Curiosity coming up over the hill. Unable to focus Santa simply stares at the car sized robot as it stops in front of him, framed nicely by his legs, of which he seemingly has four, as it unships the mobile lab, the arm moving down towards him.
At this moment santa is in such a daze he does not know what to do! meanwhile in the labs of the mars rover the team are getting excited....when suddenly...
....a grumpy Elk turns up and yells,"Bloody MOOSE!"
for it was the blood soaked desheveled bloody moose santa had just crashed into. how? you may ask.
well that santa magic transfered to the moose, allowing him to get round the world in a blink of an eye. and he stopped off to get some elk friends as backup.
"lets get me some santa fritters" exclaimed the moose, "i'm going to slice him up, like he just did my aunt bessie!"
...not realising the inherent grumpiness of Elk had turned the Moose from a happy go lucky creature to something more sinister and non-teacake loving!
A POKEMON !!Quote:
Originally Posted by CAT-THE-FIFTH
No less by the name of moosquito
who spoke only in Japanese and smoked like a Bandito.
" Im sorry " said Elk I have no idea what your saying...
And Moosquito said...
m
メリークリスマス
(you thought it was all over, well think again suckers.. :D)
still dazed from the impact, Santa lay half-conscious, unaware of the danger he was in from the charging Moose, til a chillblast of air brought him round. Sidestepping the angry vengeful beast, he dived back into his sleigh, and using its state-of-the-art pinch-to-zoom facility, gave the nearest reindeer a sharp nip between finger & thumb, causing it to accelerate violently. The sleigh swooped and swerved away, and as it flew on, water cooled by the icy temperatures formed biting sleet. Santa pulled his coat tighter around him, glad of its woolly comfort TM. Checking his calendar watch Santa saw it was the 22nd December. 'Dammit', he said, 'looks like Christmas is still on then'. He still had piles of presents to deliver, including hundreds of the latest iPud*. Some gifts were not even wrapped, or labelled - Santa grabbed a handful of gift tags from a handy tag cloud, and fixed them to parcels, hoping he had not mixed any up. Hexus had been quite difficult to buy for - it already had a razer, and a multi-jim, and some Quality Streetster.. Pondering the work he still had to do, Santa pressed on over the frosty rooftops towards his destination, unaware that he had caught his sleeve on a broken pointy bit of Curiosity, and was now unravelling at the end of a long, drawn-out, hopelessly frayed thread...
* a tiny gadget capable of storing many portions of apple pie and apple crumble and serving them up on demand, though only if you eat them with the special bowl & spoon.
If the torn thread was not bad enough it would seem that the makers of the iPud got wind of Santa failing to deliver them all, due to this they decided that opening a case against Santa was the best and only possible option left for them to pursue. Meanwhile the moose had somehow arrived at Hexus HQ...