My gf and her boss...

[Basher]

Afternoon all,

So, I'm in a bit of a weird situation at the moment and I'm interested to hear how you guys and girls would deal with this. As a backdrop to this, my gf and I have been together for very nearly 6 years and we've lived together for the past 3.

Last Fri, I stumbled across a Facebook message on my gf's account (she'd logged in on my iPad) that was from her boss. It read something along the lines of missing you, wished we were still together. This is weird, I thought. Rightly or wrongly I then got hold of her phone and took a quick look through some messages off this guy. There were lots. Lots about finding a quiet room in the office and about how they loved each other. This is really strange, I though.

So, last night I asked her how she was feeling. Is there someone else, are you happy etc. We talked for a while but the output was that she really wanted to make the relationship work. Interestingly though, whilst I gave her several opportunities to tell me about the boss thing, she didn't mention it. There were/are no other guys she said.

So, I'm not sure how to handle this. In my mind, she either actually loves this other guy, or she's too embarrassed to tell me about it (he's twice her age) and she just wants to put it behind her.

How would you react?

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

Alarm bells....ringing. Maybe it is time to confront her,for better or worse.

[Basher]

I know, but I don't know what to do. 6 years is a long time to be with someone and I really want to make things work if we can, but I kind of feel like I don't know her at the moment.

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

Then there is no point to be in the relationship if you cannot trust her. She either comes clean about what is happening,or she is just potentially using you for stability,while she is potentially looking for future suitors. There are people who are like that sadly,who only think about themselves,so don't be a mug.

There should be no secrets in a relationship if it is strong.

[Basher]

Sadly I completely agree with you. I think I'm just too scared to address it. Needs to be done, though

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

Out of interest,though is the boss stalking/bothering her a bit?? That can happen too. From what you saw was she responding in anyway to his texts and posts?? I think that is the important thing to consider. Maybe,fish around and ask her if anyone from work is pestering her??

[Basher]

That's what's playing around in my mind at the moment. Perhaps she did something with the boss, is over it (seems to be 'over' given his wish we were still together comment) and now wants to get one with our relationship. There are a lot of unanswered messages from him, but still a few 'miss you', 'love you' from her. I just don't know if she's saying that to make him shut up (I'd think it would have the opposite impact) or if there is still something going on.

Interestingly, she is also desperately looking to get out of the business.

[kalniel]

A - cowards approach: Say someone else contacted you with a rumour about something.

B - live and let live approach: Show you trust her even more and don't mention it, but redouble your efforts to cherish her etc. If she's right for you she'll repay that trust one day.

C - honest approach: You're willing to publicly admit you rifled with *checks* 190,577 registered users and many more guest users, but not your GF? While it does display a lack of trust to rifle, it's a very human reaction, and completely understandable. So admit it. Before she logs on to Hexus under your account and sees this thread

[Basher]

So B is what I'd really like to do, but I can't not say anything about the situation to her. It's eating away at me.

[kalniel]

So B is what I'd really like to do, but I can't not say anything about the situation to her. It's eating away at me.

Then C. It's honest, straightforward, will help set the matter to rest and possibly be a starting point for more honest communications in the future. If you can't live with a possible dishonesty from her (which may be for noble reasons) then it'd be hypocritical to hide your actions as well. On the other hand by being willing to admit your failings and insecurities to her she'll know that there aren't any secrets between you.

B is the most noble, but you have to really be able to put it behind you - if it would eat away at you then you've not managed it.

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

That's what's playing around in my mind at the moment. Perhaps she did something with the boss, is over it (seems to be 'over' given his wish we were still together comment) and now wants to get one with our relationship. There are a lot of unanswered messages from him, but still a few 'miss you', 'love you' from her. I just don't know if she's saying that to make him shut up (I'd think it would have the opposite impact) or if there is still something going on.

Interestingly, she is also desperately looking to get out of the business.

So,is there any indication she had a relationship with him before she had one with you??

So you need to determine:
1.)Is the boss some weirdo who has been just harassing her/stalking her,and she is trying to get him to clear off and she has done nothing with him.
2.)They had a relationship before she was with you and he is trying to rekindle it despite the fact she does not want it.
3.)She had a fling with him while she was seeing you.

If it is the third,really don't be the mug,find someone else. I have seen enough people in the third situation having their lives wasted by people with roving eyes.

[Basher]

So,is there any indication she had a relationship with him before she had one with you??

So you need to determine:
1.)Is the boss some weirdo who has been just harassing her/stalking her,and she is trying to get him to clear off and she has done nothing with him.
2.)They had a relationship before she was with you and he is trying to rekindle it despite the fact she does not want it.
3.)She had a fling with him while she was seeing you.

If it is the third,really don't be the mug,find someone else. I have seen enough people in the third situation having their lives wasted by people with roving eyes.

We had a bit of a 'break' this time last year. I suspect it all happened then but I really don't know. I'm certain he wants to re-kindle things, and I'm certain she wants to make our relationship work. I just don't understand where people get off trying to get young girls (she's half his age FFS) to be with them when they're in another relationship.

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

We had a bit of a 'break' this time last year. I suspect it all happened then but I really don't know. I'm certain he wants to re-kindle things, and I'm certain she wants to make our relationship work. I just don't understand where people get off trying to get young girls (she's half his age FFS) to be with them when they're in another relationship.

Is her boss married or in a relationship??

[kalniel]

I just don't understand where people get off trying to get young girls (she's half his age FFS) to be with them when they're in another relationship.

Because he's an insecure, ageing guy with a small pencil, desperately trying to convince himself otherwise.

[Basher]

Is her boss married or in a relationship??

He was, we used to go to BBQ's as me, my GF him and his gf. But then they split up about this time last year (see the link!). I wonder if she knew ...

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

He was, we used to go to BBQ's as me, my GF him and his gf. But then they split up about this time last year (see the link!). I wonder if she knew ...

As they say,it takes two to tango. I would say don't blame your boss for everything,as your gf was still complicit in all of it. For instance how do you know whether both of them started a fling before the respective breakups?? You really need to get to the bottom of this,for better or worse.

The fact she has not been honest with you,is the worrying thing.