Root Vegetable Joke

[Steve]

A potato King calls his three potato daughters in to see him, and he tells them that they are to "fly the nest" and go in search of husbands. They should bring their selected partner back for the King to give his blessing before they tie the know. So, off they go...

A couple of months down the line, the eldest daughter returns. She brings with her a Jersey Royal potato. The King is pleased. The potato comes from a respectable family, one he would love to see his daughter wed into, and so gives her and the Jersey Royal his blessing.

Three more months pass, and his 2nd daughter returns from her search for a man. The King is anxious to see who she has chosen. She presents to him a King Edward potato. The King is ecstatic; the King Edward family is the most highly respected of potato families. He gives them his blessing.

Nearly a year goes by and his youngest (and favourite) daughter has not yet returned. He starts to worry, but is relieved to see her turn up. He wonders how on earch she could top the "finds" made be his other two daughters.

"Dad, look! I've found the perfect husband!" she says.

She presents to the King, Des Lynam. The King falls the floor in dismay, shaking his head.

"NO, I forbid you to marry him!" exclaims the King.

"But why??" questions his daughter.

"He is a common-tata!"

/coat.

[Howard]

/groan

[JK Ferret]

But i didnt get at first

[wedge22]

Ooh that was a bad 'un.

[Spunkey]

i want those 45 seconds back

[ajbrun]

i want those 45 seconds back

I think that was funnier than Kezs' (no offence!).

[Steve]

i want those 45 seconds back

I made sure it was long enough to waste people's time. I expected somebody to say that

[Swafe]

im sueing for 45 seconds of my life


ahh it wasnt that bad...

[shiato storm]

get out...now...

[JK Ferret]

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[scottyman]

shocking.

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
-------------------------------------------------------


A professor at Texas A&M was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made
love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Bubba replied, "I'm sorry,... From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats".

[Swafe]

ROFL, lovin the goats one

[mike_w]

Speaking of fruit and vegetables:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[JK Ferret]

still love that, mikey!
RAOFLMFAO
/wipes tear from eye, while trying to stifle laughter

[scottyman]

SOUTHERN QUOTES

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
2. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
3. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.
5. She's so stuck up; she'd drown in a rainstorm.
6. It's so dry; the trees are bribing the dogs.
7. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
8. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining.
9. He's as country as cornflakes.
10. This is gooder'n grits.
11. Busier than a cat covering c**p on concrete.
12. If things get any better, I may have to hire somebody to help me enjoy it.

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight
and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it
shortly..
2. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. Just because you can drive
on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can.
3. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand
you, either.
8. The first Southern _expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in; " big ole truck" or "big ol
boy".
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone directly in
the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a
John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that
vehicle...
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still,
that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is
just something you're supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one,
it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in
mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,
therefore, be prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'!" is a valid defense.
***************************************************
BUMPER STICKERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE:

18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!"
17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a------e.
16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
15. The proctologist called...they found your head.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."
7. Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me..
5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you...
4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out
by itself.
2. Hang up and drive!!


AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!!


Welcome to America...now speak English


....courtesy of a mate from LA

[ajbrun]

I'm sure either you or someone else have posted that pineapple one here before. Even so, it's probably more funney this time than last because you knew what was coming!