Hexus Christmas dinner / interactive story type thingy. All welcome :)

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

....of the Moose who had just managed to extricate himself from being stuck in the Christmas pudding himself,after saving Kitteh,whilst the evil manical(and very grumpy) Elk sniggered in the shadows at his dastardly plan....

[peterb]

Because this was an android elk, and the antlers disguised its Galileo antenna. But the elk was running low on power and needed to plug himself in -and I couldn't possibly say where his miniUSB port was located...

[Tumble]

Meanwhile, Smudger had come back into the room and announced that dinner would be a bit late, as the oven had started a firmware download, and would not cook anything until it had finished and rebooted 3 times. As he was saying this however, he happened to glance at the e-elk and noticed exactly where the USB port was, and was desperately trying not to look at it, which meant he failed to notice that the oven had in fact finished the firmware download and had burst into flames in an effort to catch up with cooking dinner....

[ik9000]

... "oh FFS" yelled the animus, reaching for the fire extinguisher. "this is what happens when you let amateurs in to the kitchen"...

[sammyc]

By some unlikely fluke, the turkey was flung clear of the exploding oven and richocheted off TheAnimus, before catapulting itself, perfectly cooked, onto the table. Although the gravy had thickened precociously in the heat and could now be described as more of a thermal paste, it was edible, and only the sprouts had been lost to the flagration. DDY had the presence of mind to hastily 3-D print replacements that were almost indistinguishable from (if not better than) the real thing. So Xmas dinner was saved! Just as everyone had taken their seat..

[ik9000]

...Blueball pulls up in the drive with a screech of tyres on the frost laden gravel. " hi folks, remember me?" I heard you were having a Hexus dinner. you've forgotten your starter. I went out especially and bought fruit. Anyone for melon?"...

[sammyc]

..but before anyone could so much as pull up a chair, all hell broke loose as the the kitteh made a lunge for the turkey. Amidst the ensuing scuffle someone unfortunately trod on deejay-burnout's toe whilst trying to head off the cat - which was still wailing "I Can Haz Gibletz?!" - and then..

[peterb]

... it was time for an after dinner drink. Out of the small display cabinet came a bottle of port - a mini display port - which was being passed around the table. However it hasn't got very far when there was a huge thunderbolt which made the port go much faster. Soon everybody was sata-sified and were starting to....

[ik9000]

... "wow that was lightning quick drinking. I propose a toast. to absent friends. and posters of old. and all those dead celebs from 2016." said Gina slurring his words slightly and then turning to topgun next to him... "wanna hear something really gross? this one time the doctor had to..."


Topgun sits glaring with his fingers j jammed in his ears going "la la la not listening" as Gina continues reciting his tale of g graphic invasions and it's getting all awkward when Gallant tactfully moves the conversation along. "Right folks, charades it is."....


Fuddam is in the mood and Gallant acts out 1 word 1 syllable and stands with one hand erect above his head while nashing his teeth. cries of "chicken, cassowary, a bad date" all come back and Gallant gets increasingly frustrated and starts moving round the room bobbing up and down and writhing still with his hand erect above his head....


Fuddam gets distracted thinking it's some subtle reference to eschatology when suddenly the penny drops. "oh it's a..."

[Tumble]

Clear reference to the Beast of Caer Bannog...

[ik9000]

Clear reference to the Beast of Caer Bannog...

...Gallant shakes his head "a good try Fuddam, but that's clearly not it" says Terbinator, half interested but yet smugly amazed that no-one's got it yet..."it''s kind of obvious given his specialist subjects..."

[sammyc]

..then 'Duck!' came a voice from the back of the room. 'How on earth do you get 'duck' from that mime?!' said Galant, rolling his eyes exasperatedly. 'No, I know it's the oldest joke in the book, but actually.. duck!!' came the urgent answer, as the shoddily strung Christmas lights came crashing down in a shower of sparks, shorting the electrics & plunging the room into darkness. Luckily someone remembered a pocket usb LED xmas tree they'd got in their cracker, and niftily connected it to the less than happy e-elk. 'More flickering LEDs' muttered DDY. Then..

[peterb]

All were overcome with emotion at the thought of the moose's lucky escape, but st last the mood lightened and it was time to hand out the presents while Peterb cooked lunch, usual fare served with a garnish a spam fritters, followed by a very expensive Apple and Raspberry Pi...

And so to the presents.....

[ik9000]

... but before people could locate the tree and the stash of presents at its base a ruckus was breaking out. Coming from the kitchen you could hear Jonatron "but the table's not been cleared. Don't they care how hard we've worked back here doing all that- and in the dark and everything? For crying out loud Tarinder nearly lost his finger trying to stop the case fans so the pentiumDs could get hot enough to roast the turkey...."
"it's fine, you just need to have a sherry" says DR as PeterB dons the marigolds and Saracen arrives lugging a stack of greasy half-laden plates.
"but look at all the leftovers. People have barely made it half-way, they've hardly devoured the copious content we've been striving to provide! Look - see for yourself. This plate has 5 untouched pages of the in-depth review of the GTX1080. That one hasn't even clicked on his HexusTV links, just pushed them around the rim by the look of it. I can understand leaving your sprouts, but passing over the streaming content? We might as well not bother..."

DR nods and pats Jonatrons shoulder sympathetically while handing him a double sherry and guiding him towards the lounge. "Come and get a present, it will cheer you up. It's time for the Hexus secret santa... Here, drink this too."

In the lounge Andehh and AeAataSS are crawling under the tree, with their feet poking out of the mound of presents. "I can't read any of the labels... if only we'd gone for the LED ceiling fan we might have a fighting chance of reading the tags. Here try this..." A hand pokes out with a box. Smudger takes it and moves towards the elk to read it"

"To Jonatron love Santa"

Jonatron steps up. "it's mighty small..." Shaking the box, "what on earth can it be?" He opens the paper, looks bemused and reads the packaging - "Cards against humanity? Seriously?"

Saracen comes back in, his apron still on and the dettol in one hand, j-cloth in the other. "Not here lads, we can't play that here. It breaches every forum rule and just ends in people getting offended. You might get away with that on an unregulated dodgy chatboard but not on a reputable site like hexus. "

Jonj has already taken the box from Jonatron and started unwrapping it. They scuttle off to nearer the elk to get more light.

"this one's for DR" says Smudger using his LED key fob to read the labels.

[ik9000]

...but before DR can open the box his phone starts beeping. "I thought we'd all agreed to turn off our phones today?" said Zak looking slightly miffed, as Jimborae sits on the corner of the room twiddling the mandolin he'd taken off the peg on the wall. "I mean, it's like we don't even matter if you can't bare to interact with only us for just one single day!"

DR doesn't hear, his face turning pale amidst the harsh LED hues strobing from the ELK's lofty bows.

"What is it DR?" Asks Tumble. DR's face looks drained of emotion, he doesn't reply, but Tumble is too distracted winking at Jonj as he picks a carrot out of the elk's nose bag and follows up with "erh, I said, What's up doc?" then turning to jonj looking for a high-five, appreciation or at least an ironic forum thanks. "Oh come on, I thought that was a good one..."

"Those half-wit dunces!" says DR, still not responding to Tumble, or even acknowledging his existence. "I give them one simple task to do and they've gone and cocked it up. Jonatron put down those cards, we've got to get back to the servers, if there are any left by the time we get there..."

Jimborae stops twiddling the mandolin abruptly and an awkward hush drops on the room....

"say what? Whatever do you mean?" asks Dave

"someone didn't set the server cooling system properly" says DR, "there was a build up of hot-air from the blades hosting the general discussion forum. With all the mods here for Christmas dinner the temp has let the EU-end of the world thread posts cascade exponentially into a self-perpetuating slugging match between a quasi troll and what we in the Hexus hierarchy like to refer to as a stubborn half-donkey thumbwarming void (or SHDTV for short)."

"oh no" groans Saracen, dropping the dettol onto the floor. "but that means..."

"Yes," says DR, "without mods the thread is inevitably converging towards a Godwin's singularity. The heat in the server room has already caused the pressure to build sufficiently for the seals to be breached and the gases to vent into the front office space. It vaporised the temp and he's been smeared all over the front of the building in a tomato coloured puree. "

"oh this is not good" says Dave, already scrabbling around for his coat in the gloom

"The fire-brigade are on site. They're who called me. They've had to forcibly remove the entrance to get in"

"get out," says Phage, "you don't mean..."

"yes" says Jonatron, "he does. They've gone and blown the bloody doors off" [not swearing - literal description of the office frontage - read above, no mod action required]

"that they have Jonatron, and we need to go" says DR, "right now!"...

[ik9000]

"But DR, we prepared for this, we have the automod-ED-209 to prevent any incursions," says Jonatron excitedly, while trying to display a veneer of calm, "and the natural halogen suppression system will kick in and prevent any serious harm to anyone who does get in."

"Yes, calm down DR," says SammyC, "it'll be alright, besides the snow is deep and even, we won't be able to do much til the snowstorm passes. We're all in this climatic depression together, besides, we have to party like it's 1993 again. Ma's very strict and wants to see we all play together like we said we would when we accepted the original invite to come out here to her cabin in the first place."

"I don't think you get the gravity of this" says DR, "I need to leave and look after my own gaff. With open doors, anyone could just wander in. The ED-209 can't cope with the sheer numbers we're talking about. Anyone could try their luck, people from over at Clockers or by-Tech could just march in to our humble offices. Not only would there not be enough room but I'm not sure Jonatron's NHS system would cope in protecting them from the GD heat if left unregulated, even if the singularity isn't reached..."

With all the economic pressures we've been having to underinvest in that for years now. No, I'm afraid the NHS will be overwhelmed and all chaos will break out. We have to maintain control of Hexus and that starts with the front door, and ends with putting out the fires in the northern server room so we can let Pastymuncher wander freely in general discussion again."

"but zat's still no reason to go leaving before the party is finished" says Angel-A indignantly, waddling out from the corridor to the toilets, a trail of toilet paper hanging comedically from her waistband. "Ve all need to finish the charades tournament, and I think ve are in the vinning position. Besides Gallant's one you still need to finish cracking my mime of doing the dance from Grease while milking a cow in the back section of ze airplane as we go to ze, how do you say Chemische reinigung?. It's a good one jah?"

Angela signals to ByteJunkie and DeludedGuy who, apparently hypnotised, move to block the door.

"what is this Angela?" asks DR, "my gaff is on fire and you expect me to stay?"

"ja herr DR" says Angela. "my dream is not one of premature separation. Now, come and help me devour these olives while you guess my charade I can choose which Italian islands to pick for my next, err, holiday destination"

"Sorry DR" says SammyC, "I told you Ma's strict."

"I'm leaving Angela, says DR, "and I think it would be in everyone's interests to make that a smooth process."

"Don't make me play hardball DR!" Says Angel-A. Deluded guy and ByteJunkie pull out heavy machine guns.

DR stands fiddling in his coat pocket.

"Stop playing with yourself!" snaps Angel-A,

DR pulls out his smart phone, "i'm not playing. I don't like angry birds."

"Ma" says SammyC nervously while moving towards the corner table...

Peterb quietly sidles out from the kitchen chainsaw in hand and moby-dick pops a couple of pool balls in his new reindeer socks and starts twirling them. Saracen dons the tin-foil helmet from his Munchkin props set and Dave takes the mandolin from Jimborae, snaps it in two and devises a make-shift melodic nun-chuk.

Just as it looks like a right royal rumble is about to begin bright search lights flood in from the outside of the cabin and the sound of thumping footsteps grows as the loud hailer crackles into life:

"put down the guns and step out of the building. You have 20 seconds to comply!"

"ah good" says Jonatron "the ED-209"

"yes" says DR, "I summoned it using the tapatalk app - always handy in a tightspot"

"you have 15 seconds to comply"

"oh sod it" says DR, tapping the smartphone again.

The cabin wall gets penetrated by a grappling hook. Before anyone can speak it pulls away, and woodchunks and snow fly everywhere.

Neonplanet runs around projecting gifs of "POW" "WHAM", "BIFF" and "Ker-splat" while the hexus jazz band strike up from the mezzanine gallery.

After 5 minutes of jazz-accompanied chaos, Angel-A and her henchmen are subdued. Saracen stands behind them singing steeler's wheel still wearing his (now dented) tin foil hat, holding Peterb's spare chainsaw. As he starts dancing a merry jig DR, Jonatron and the key staff disappear through the loop hole.

AeAatas and Andehh emerge from the present pile clutching a big box, and looking very confused and the site before them. "What just happened?"

"i think," says SammyC, crawling out from under the table and helping Bluecube to his feet "I just witnessed a hard DRexit."

"oh" says Andehh "Looks like a right mess. What now?"

"that" says SammyC, "remains to be seen...."