Hexus Christmas dinner / interactive story type thingy. All welcome :)

[sammyc]

Yes, it's that thing you have just once a year and don't really enjoy - the traditional festive Hexus add-a-piece story thread. Now serving in good time for you all to digest & recover in time for Sunday the 25th.

New members especially welcome; knowledge of Hexus history, persons or in-jokes is not essential - please just pitch in with any old seasonal nonsense, the dafter the better.



'Twas Christmas Day in the Hexus dining room, and everything was laid out to perfection on the paperwhite tablecloth, with its chrome cutlery - shiny, but not flash-y - and its tasteful google glassware.

The Swingle Singers were playing softly in the background courtesy of g8ina's Manticore Mantra, the cracker jokes had been suitably bowdlerised by peterb in case of NSFW content, and r_j_k_p was steering people away from the nougat and towards the oranges & apples. Presents for everyone were sitting under the tree, and the assembled had been well-briefed on the non-existence of Santa for their own good. All were looking forward to the turkey* which was currently being overclockedcooked (or under, there was no real way of telling..) in Smudger's new oven, and flaming Christmas pudding to follow [sponsored by the Galaxy S7], with traditional threepenny bits - Hexus had pushed the boat out and got the 64-bit luxury pud. Just then...


*strictly virtual - cba with the 'vegetarians-are-cranks-go-on-have-a-£5-note-it-won't-hurt-ya' backlash of serving you up anything else.

[g8ina]

Krampus arrived, heralding the not so pleasant part of the festivities. "Where are those oh so naughty children ? I have my chains and ruten, and someone is in for a right thrashing"

[peterb]

And at that moment the Windows flew open and directed an icy blast at the Apples...

[Galant]

"Sorry man," said peterb to Krampus, "All the naughty members are banned or suspended, but if you're set on doing some whipping, there's an Apple shop around the corner, although you'll to have to wait outside unless you have an Apple shop compatible whip.

"And can someone close the windows, please? We don't need the holes in the superstructure."

[peterb]

"Sorry" came the reply, "we can only close seven windows, the other 10 have to remain open, even if it does mean that things leak out through them".

[Galant]

"Well that's rubbish. Note for next year - book the event in a log cabin with no windows, no apples, and also no penguins. It is supposed to be a party after all."

[sammyc]

Funnily enough, there was talk of hiring a custom-built Event Log cabin for this year - with a Touchscreen Bar for unlimited drinks - but the remote location meant a poor mobile signal for those needing to ring for taxis & update their drivers..

but to return to the narrative - everyone abruptly paused & harked to a sinister clicking & knocking from the kitchen, as..

[wazzickle]

the sound of magnificent farting erupted from next door, causing DSI Archie McFartkiller to grimace and rise from his slumber, and..

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

....giving his pet cat the biggest shock ever and causing him to jump down the stairs face first into the Christmas pudding....

[ik9000]

... while the moose pulled the cat free there was a knock at the door to the veranda. Puzzled looks and shrugs of the shoulders ensued as Saracen moves to the door. "Who is it? We don't trust strangers, especially ones I've never met. You could be anyone. Now I might turn out to trust you, but you have to earn that trust, and only after I've got my friend in the home office to do background checks on you, and your significant others. Now, tell me, who are you and why should we let you in?" Then muttering under his breath "if this is another of those part-time members who still hasn't realised we had to reset all the passwords I'll...."

[Kanoe]

"sign up to Steam and let it manage my game library for me. So help me Gabe, i'll do it!" Just then....

[peterb]

" But it seemed that the only steam around was that coming from Saracen's ears at the very notion of signing up for anything, but he did pull a little cracker, and muttering under his breath, unfolded and put on his tin foil party hat.

Meanwhile in another corner, Zak and Gina were looking for the extinguisher to put out any flames, and peterb was revving up the to chop out the dead wood... when suddenly...."

[CAT-THE-FIFTH]

....BoJo jumped out of the fireplace,in Father Christmas garb and said surprise! Nobody expects....

[sammyc]

..Santa to be wearing £995 trousers of mysterious provenance under his red tunic. Clearly unsure if he was in the right place, Boris headed towards the EXIT sign where he stood, undecided whether to go or whether he was better off where he was..
While he dithered, ..

[ik9000]

there was another knock on the door and an excited voice squeaked "let me in. I've got free iPhone 7s for all. All you have to do is let me in and follow the instructions I'll give you. I'll need to modify some of your security settings but that's got to be worth it for a free iPhone right? don't worry you'll hardly notice I'm here. I'll busy myself in the basement lurking by the foundations while quietly undermining them until my Mafia friends can tunnel in to join the party too. free iPhone 7 though yey!


with Saracen out of earshot in the kitchen newbie26 moves towards the door and is starting to follow the outsiders instructions when....

[sammyc]

..."Not so fast!" From the shadows stepped General di Scussion, head of Hexus' crack anti-mafiosi team, casting off his disguise as a nest of tables. With a flick of the wrist, he threw his glass of Lightning Port in the would-be intruder's face, sending him reeling backwards & into the path of..