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Follow these 10 simple tests before you decide to have children
Test 1
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
Parents: To prepare for parenthood, go to local chemist, tip the contents
of your wallet/purse onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help
themselves. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salaries paid
directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it
for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they
have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and
overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be
the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel . . .
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2. 45am.
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10) Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms
hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back
seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There ... perfect!
Test 6
Get ready to go out ....
1) Wait.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a
pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries
without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having children.
Test 9
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.
Test 10
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " -
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You
are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Originally Posted by Blitzen
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I can relate so so many of them it's sad.
really 