HEXUS 2021 - A Space Oddity

[sammyc]

she was actually one of the few people in the universe smart-meter guy had never rung to offer an appointment, so what was her problem. Also oddly, he realized, the old lady at the end of the queue was holding a large umbrella even though..

[Output]

...it was completely unnecessary. What next, dancing with a chimney sweep? No, Smart-Meter guy decided, ....

[ik9000]

... this lunacy has to stop, he looks maga lady in the eye and says "I voted for hilary". She convulses involuntarily while going full schizo-soccer-mom and her head starts twizzling exorcist style while screaming some obscenities and berating the liberal conspiracists (sic). Unphased Smart-Meter-Guy steps back and takes the necessary action...

[sammyc]

..having finally managed to shift the plastic bit off the twiddly bit that was stopping him from turning the autopilot off, he steered sharply out of orbit in the hope of leaving behind any form of human or humanlike life behind him for good, 'orrible lot. By teatime, give or take a light year, he reached the outskirts of..

[ik9000]

... Beta Centauri gateway station... twinned with Basingstoke, Mars and Caprica City's waste disposal facilities...

[sammyc]

..and he pulls in at the combined toll booth and tourist information kiosk, manned or rather androided by a small green robot who proffers a day pass parking ticket and a range of keyrings, handy torches and space snacks. He bears an odd resemblance to..

[ik9000]

...Bill Oddy in a Fez...

[Output]

..., but it seems like he's trying too hard to be someone else, muttering that "Fezzes are cool." Even if...

[sammyc]

that were true, with the stripey scarf and the bow tie it's way too much.. who does he think he is? Stifling a smirk, smart-meter guy takes his ticket and tries to pay with a contactless Philip Hammond, hoping the robot won't notice it has expired. But..

[ik9000]

...the Bill Oddy-lookalike pulls a swanny whistle from his pocket, does a quick wheep-whoop before blocking SMG's way and saying "sorry, those rotary organs* aren't valid here". His head cocks strangely to one side as it surveys him before leaning in hissing "but I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding..."

Smart Meter Guy steps back to preserve his personal space and says "yes, clearly my mistake."

The android's whirring eyes narrow to slit like daggers, and as SMG wonders at the eirie glow behind the lenses it persists, "Mistake? Mistake?! mi Steak... ? Steak, yes. A steak that goes down well with kidneys. Well kidneys are an organ of choice, do you want to pay with kidneys? A bold move, how many do you offer? I hope you can pay the going rates!" The android gestures to the small print in font size 0.25 at the bottom of the landing pad t&c's on behalf of FleeceM&XTort parking management Services.

Charges apply from moment of landing, irrespective of duration of stay or exiting craft. Minimum payment of two internal organs of suitable adult trading species as defined in section 12.9 of the general terms of... <lots of small print later> ...including Andromedans, sentient Titans, healthy uninfected Earthlings...

"So," asks the robot, "how will sir be paying?"

[sammyc]

well that settles that.. the robot is definitely a baddie, not a goodie, after all. "So, you'd like me to get my *lights* out, would you?" SMG says, quick as a flash - in fact as a flashlight, as he snatches up the nearest handy torch from the kiosk and turns the full beam on, straight into the robot's glassy countenance. While its 'eyes' momentarily dazzle, you..

[ik9000]

...he grabs his covid emergency tins box and pulls the ring pull on the out-of-date stewed steak, before throwing the open can at the fez-topped oddity. It splatters the thick gravy over its face and the android moves to wipe its eyes (such a human-like weakness for a synthetic lifeform that could easily have peripheral cameras if they'd just bothered to spec the thing properly during development.) SMG rummages in the drawer for his vintage swiss army knife, and tin-opener extended lunges in for some robotic surgery...

[sammyc]

.."Leggo!" squeaks the robot, as the tin-opener digs ominously into his outer casing. "Sorry, we're all out of lego here," SMG quips cheerfully and gets to work. Tightening his grip on the knife handle*, he makes a few incisions here.. twists a bit of wiring there.. swaps a few LEDs around, and hey presto.. "there we are sir, all done; welcome to your smart meter upgrade. My space mission is complete". While the android haplessly stands there blinking and calculating its thermodynamic output in pence per hour, SMG nips smartly past him through the toll booth into the unknown. But whatever he expected to see, it wasn't this..


*as well as his grip of 3rd person narrative

[sammyc]

..intelligent life, by Jove! Ok, not much to look at it on the face of it - more like sentient oxo cubes than scifi-movie-aliens - but after weeks without company (and even before that, just some assorted techy types to talk to) anything counts as sparkling conversation. "So", he says, after they all exchange greetings, "can I buy you guys a.. a.." with no idea what the space equivalent of a friendly pint is, he tails off & there's an awkward pause..

[sammyc]

..which is broken into by the sudden reappearance of the rebooted HEXUS crew, which has finally completed rewriting itself from backup. Here they all are, the complete set! a bit lopsided, a bit mad looking, a bit rough around the edges.. exact copies, in fact! "Hey", they greet him, "coming back to the ship? We though we'd meet up with the Soyuz that's heading back to Earth.. maybe go back with them, maybe all take a detour and go off for pizza.. who knows."
"Nah", says SMG, "You carry on. I'm going to stop here with these guys. They seem sensible types. See ya later"

And so our heroes take off once again, all set to boldly go & not mind their own business & mess things up where no man has messed things up before; to infinity & beyond.

(and good luck to them.)