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Thread: Today's E-mail funnies.

  1. #1
    0iD
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    Today's E-mail funnies.

    Get a funny in the e-mail today? Post it here.

    Please remember to keep within the bounds of common decency, this is a family forum.
    Trust me, I've been given a slappin by Zak34 for it & it's easily done. And as much as I enjoy a bit of Zakky-Slappy on a personal level, it could be Vaul on ya ass, & you don't want that

    First one of the day...

    Stand-up Jokes

    I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid
    problem"?

    When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realized that 'The Lord' doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked
    him to forgive me.

    I've often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my wife to go
    swimming.

    I was doing some decorating so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
    with my real ladder.

    Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
    one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
    my bones but names will never hurt me' and it worked! From there on it
    was sticks and stones all the way.

    My Dad used to say, 'Always fight fire with fire.' Which is probably why
    he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
    better have a good hand.

    I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
    Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

    If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
    meat?

    I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
    the wrong answers.

    You know that look women get when they want sex?....Me neither!

    Questions, questions, questions....

    Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
    core of the earth?

    Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?

    Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
    stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
    centuries have a 'use by' date?

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
    crisp no one would eat?

    Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I will
    squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.'?

    What do people in China call their good plates?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don't
    point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

    Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars
    in the universe, you believe them but if they tell you there is wet
    paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
    you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
    window?

    Universal Truths....

    Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

    At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

    One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
    pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

    Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
    calculator

    Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

    You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
    fire in your back garden.

    Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

    Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

    The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
    teacher mum or dad.

    Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
    through and then raced against the flush.

    It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    You never ever run out of salt.

    There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
    your hand or head stuck in something.

    No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

    Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
    arm broken by a swan.

    The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
    upturned plug.

    People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.

    You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
    specifically to stir paint with.
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

  2. #2
    HEXUS.social member Allen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD
    If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
    Yes, I believe they do.

    Anyway, great list, put a smile on my face first thing in the morning.

  3. #3
    Shunned from CS:S Trippledence's Avatar
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    So maney truths. Made this boring lesson pf computing more fun. But a dog nether ran into john school. What a loser.

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    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD


    You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    As the only female in my office, this is usually done with my chair wheeled into the corner, back turned on my colleagues

  5. #5
    mutantbass head Lee H's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD

    Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
    through and then raced against the flush.
    Yeap... its makes life more "fun"

    Quote Originally Posted by 0iD
    The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
    upturned plug.
    Or worse.... If you have younger siblings or children that leave lego out on the floor. NOW that hurts

  6. #6
    Raging Bull DeludedGuy's Avatar
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    Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
    Done it

  7. #7
    Tech-ignorant Factoid
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    Quote Originally Posted by 0id
    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don't
    point to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

    Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars
    in the universe, you believe them but if they tell you there is wet
    paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure
    These had me in stitches for a couple of minutes...


  8. #8
    www.evilmunky.com EvilMunky's Avatar
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    the quiz one made me laff so hard milkshake just came out of my nose.

    Funny thing is - i havent been drinking a milkshake ?

  9. #9
    Senior Member skuzgib's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EvilMunky
    the quiz one made me laff so hard milkshake just came out of my nose.

    Funny thing is - i havent been drinking a milkshake ?

  10. #10
    Senior Amoeba iranu's Avatar
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    The Cowboy and The Yuppie
    =========================

    A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
    cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why
    not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
    Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

    He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
    cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the
    animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my Calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business."

    "Now give me back my DOG."
    "Reality is what it is, not what you want it to be." Frank Zappa. ----------- "The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." Huang Po.----------- "A drowsy line of wasted time bathes my open mind", - Ride.

  11. #11
    Tech-ignorant Factoid
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    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I will
    squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.'?
    lmao, i was thinking that to myself the other day! weird!

  13. #13
    - Exotic Love Potion Moonshade's Avatar
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    Hehe , that's exactly why I don't bother to use mascara

    -- Moon
    Love, Peace and Linux

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    Senior Members' Member Matt1eD's Avatar
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    Too many jokes to read through.

    Meanwhile:

    Quote Originally Posted by my cousin
    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant You three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The woman said, "That's okay."

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
    Male readers: Please scroll down.









































    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

    Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

    Female Readers who are still reading: This again proves that women never listen to anything.

    GO MEN!!!

  15. #15
    Senior Members' Member Matt1eD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by my cousin
    2. The Frog and the Princess

    Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened
    upon a frog in a pond.

    The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil
    witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
    prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can
    prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
    doing so."

    That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and
    saying, "I don't think so."
    I'm not sure If I'm allowed to post number one, it was racist.

    And another:

    Quote Originally Posted by mycousin
    A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

    "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

    "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test
    and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

    The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

    "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

    "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

    "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

    "Have you been having unprotected s*x?" asked the doctor.

    "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

    "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

    "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

    "Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homos*?@~l relationship?"

    "NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper
    bag!"

    Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor...........



    This is good - wait for it!

    "Your mother must have been a carrier"
    Sorry about this one!

  16. #16
    I love fonts Yohji's Avatar
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    You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    Heh. I loved that one, made me chuckle.

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