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Two blokes were out walking home from work one
afternoon.
"Sh!t," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home,
I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the
bloke replied...
When my last girlfriend realized that I was really
kicking her lazy backside out for good, she started trying
to patch things up. She got all sad, and looked at me
with tenderness, saying "You know I love you. Say
those three little words that will make me walk on
air."
I said, "Go hang yourself."
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming"
retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other
fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being
set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The
man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a
motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would
take about a year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm
one of eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating
eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
Puzzlement.
Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad
would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom
would say, "What?"
One afternoon while doing some work in the
garden I noticed my dog dragging something under
the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized
it was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school
and head straight out to its cage, free it and
play with it in the garden. I knew today would
be no different and fearing for our dog, I had
to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put
up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with
the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew
it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its
grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it
back in its cage hoping its death would be written
off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the
neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little
girl, and as usual she headed straight for the
cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet
away and screamed
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at
the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am,
I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything
I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What
kind of sick individual would dig up a little
girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
After having been commissioned by God to take a
survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter
now stood before his boss ready to present his
findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?"
God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the
people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's
drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - another
Sodom and Gomorrah.
But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.
According to my survey, 88% of the population is
doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend
it. I'm afraid the oral sex thing has reached
epidemic proportions on Earth.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any
recommendations as to what should be done to put
an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on
Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of
that message should tell them exactly what will
happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not
stop this type of activity." replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated,
"but I think that instead of punishing those 88%
who practice oral sex, we should reward those
12% who refrain from it. Let's send a letter
that's personally signed by me to each one of
those good people." And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
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Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh??
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getting back of a dead rabbit on the cage
