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Thread: Oldies but goodies (puns)

  1. #1
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    Oldies but goodies (puns)

    1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


    2. Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


    4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


    7. A woman has identical boy twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


    8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of G-d, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a...super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


    10. And finally, there was a man, who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


    /me gets coat
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    Looser Konan555's Avatar
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    Two blondes walk into a building.

    I'd have thought one of them would've seen it.

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    Does he need a reason? Funkstar's Avatar
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    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
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    I just saw a movie about some guy who had amazing revelations while eating his cereal. It was called Breakfast Epiphanies
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

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    Does he need a reason? Funkstar's Avatar
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    Two birds are sitting on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

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    If your 5555... Swafe's Avatar
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    Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson at a posh party

    So what do you do? She asks

    Me? Says Jeremy, everyone knows I do Top Gear !








    Kate goes, Ill take 10 grams then

    Quote Originally Posted by Knoxville
    As I find big muff's to be a bit of an aquired taste
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    Looser Konan555's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nick
    I just saw a movie about some guy who had amazing revelations while eating his cereal. It was called Breakfast Epiphanies
    Bloke died recently whilst eating his cereal.

    Muesli, I think it was.

    Apparently he was dragged down by a strong currant.

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    Richard Allen Evans mr_anderson187's Avatar
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    lol spat my twirl over my shirt reading these, crazy like that kate moss one

    wedding is a three ring circus:

    engagement ring
    wedding ring
    suffer ring

    Under Development...

  9. #9
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    this is more of a senseless inuendo than a pun:

    what would you give *insert a name here*'s mum out of ten?
    oh, i'd give 'er one!!!

    how do you make a cat go "woof"?
    cover it in petrol then set it alight

    how do you make a dog go "meow"?
    freeze it then push it through a buzz-saw

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