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Thread: JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!

  1. #17
    Paranoid??? Who Me???
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    A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket...The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.
    The blonde says, "Im a cute looking blonde and i'm flying first class."
    The stewardess replys that she only has a coach seat to France....
    the blonds then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and i'm flying first class".
    Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....
    the blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class to France....
    The captain whipers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...
    The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
    He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to France."

  2. #18
    Beard hat ftw! steve threlfall's Avatar
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    Doctor, doctor i think im a moth

    Ok then mate, but what are you doing in my room im not even your doctor!

    Oh sorry, your light was on

  3. #19
    daft ideas inc. scottyman's Avatar
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    New Rules For Employment

    SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

    YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

    Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice week.

    The Management

  4. #20
    daft ideas inc. scottyman's Avatar
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    A Horoscope For The Workplace

    ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

    MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

    SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

    TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

    ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

    ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

    HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

    MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

    SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

    CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

  5. #21
    daft ideas inc. scottyman's Avatar
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    Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

    TO: Boss
    FROM: Blondie
    RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
    I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:


    Januark
    Februark
    Mak
    Julk

    I also changed all the days of each week to:

    Sundak
    Mondak
    Tuesdak
    Wednesdak
    Thursdak
    Fridak
    Saturdak
    We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

    (makes me think of the new company PA!)

  6. #22
    daft ideas inc. scottyman's Avatar
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    One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

    ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

    ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''

  7. #23
    daft ideas inc. scottyman's Avatar
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    Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
    packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
    the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get
    there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy
    give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought
    you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring
    the
    bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten
    miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go
    back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
    sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
    tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally
    agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass
    and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise
    is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise
    is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out
    a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up
    from behind a rock and shouts.






    "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

  8. #24
    2nd hardest inthe infants petrefax's Avatar
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    2 cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other & says "does this taste funny to you?"


    (still my all-time fave joke )
    if it ain't broke...fix it till it is


  9. #25
    Flat cap, Whippets, Cave. Clunk's Avatar
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    Holy thread resurrection Spam Man!.
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen View Post
    stupid betond belief.
    You owe it to yourself to click here really.

  10. #26
    IBM
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    there but for the grace of God, go I IBM's Avatar
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    Still....it was worth it, I hadn't heard that bulldog joke before....Cracked me up...

    Even so, a four year thread bump....not bad...
    sig removed by Zak33

  11. #27
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    Ah hell, may as well keep the spirit of the thread alive

    Many Sydney folks listen to the FOX FM morning show.
    The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
    The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

    DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

    Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

    DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
    What is your name? First only please."

    Contestant: "Brian."

    DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

    Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

    DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

    Brian: "Sara."

    DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

    Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

    DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

    Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

    DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

    Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

    DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

    DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

    Brian: "About 10 minutes."

    DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

    Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

    DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

    Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

    DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

    Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

    DJ: "Uh huh..."

    Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

    DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

    Brian: "On the kitchen table."

    DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

    [3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

    DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

    Clerk: "Kinkos."

    DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

    Clerk: "This is she."

    DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

    Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

    DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

    Sara: "No."

    DJ: "Good!"

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

    Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

    DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

    Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

    Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

    DJ: "What time?"

    Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

    DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

    Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

    DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

    Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Where did you have it?"

    Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

    Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

    DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

    Sara: "Well..."

    DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

    Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

    After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

  12. #28
    Senior Member kickstart 1's Avatar
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    Yeah ,strange looking who's still about and who's not !

  13. #29
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    Re: JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!

    Sorry but I couldnt read the joke above way to long for my cogitation capacity.

    But hear this A Guy fantasises about having a lounge underneath a superstore; with a big screen TV, pool table, leather sofa. His brother said to him, "You need professional help mate". Other brother laughs and says your mental. Brother replies no Im on about About an architect."

  14. #30
    Grumpy and VERY old :( g8ina's Avatar
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    Re: JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!

    wow, another three years almost to the day !
    Cheers, David



  15. #31
    Senior Member Kata's Avatar
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    Re: JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!

    All I can say to mawzal is ... "huh?"

  16. #32
    Butter king GheeTsar's Avatar
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    Re: JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!


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