Friday Joke Time

[suki_uk]

Guarenteed Weight Loss
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health_ risks.
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad_ in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands_ before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,_ huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the_ way this company does business!"
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost_ 10lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most_ stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing_ nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If_ you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her,_ but_ when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days,_ the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50_ pound_ program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program.
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

[Singh Shady]

moderatly amusing ;-) what about this;

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his name plate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, "Mr. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday". Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says £30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Paddy explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says "Sure. I have this" and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. He finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand.
And he wants to use this as collateral" He holds up the tiny pink elephant "I mean, what the **** is this?" The bank manager replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Howard]

Couple of the funniest I've heard:

----------------
Jimmy kept asking his Dad for a
television for his bedroom, to which his Dad kept
saying "No son".

After a week of nagging, he finally agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Jimmy comes downstairs and
asks,

"Dad, what's Love Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's
also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the
answer, descriptive, warts and all.

Jimmy sits on the sofa with eyes wide open in
amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching
then son?"

Little Jimmy replies,

"Wimbledon."
------------



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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****s sake, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!"
--------------


--------------------
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh sh*t,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
-------------

[Sk!mD4Rk]

Old, but made me laugh...... once.

Two blondes walk into a bar................... You'd think one of 'em would have seen it

[Korky]

oldest joke in the book sk!m
and shing u know the punch line when u find out his names Paddy Whack

why did the kettle fall off the table..............cause it was steaming

what happens when the pope dies........another one pops up

[Tumble]

There's an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman, all on the run from the Old Bill, when they happen upon a barn in the middle of nowhere. The dogs are nearly upon them, so they dive into the barn and try to find somewhere to hide. They spot 3 sacks in a corner, and wriggle into them.

The Police burst into the barn, a scant 10 minutes later and start searching. One of the coppers spots the 3 suspisciously bulging sacks, walks up and kicks the first one, which containss the Englishman. "meow.." says the Englishman, thinking quickly. The copper moves on - it's not his business as to why the farmer has a sack of cats in his barn. He kicks the second sack, with the Scotsman in. "woof..." barks the Scotsman, hoping the same indifference that the Englishman received would be granted him... it is, and the copper moves over to the third sack and kicks it.......






"potatoes..." says the Irishman....

[Swafe]

i heard that a wwek aog and thought wtf

only an irish man culd think a potatoes and animal

[daniel_owen_uk]

LOL never saw that one coming.

[kemosabe]

Just a couple

==============================================

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.You always feel like
you have to pee.? And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.? "When you're seventy, you can't
even crap anymore. You take
laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

==============================================


Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of
the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she said, "Lie
back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she
had said, "Do it over and over
until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a flight attendant, because
all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to
breathe normally."