Jokes What You Got

[Planetside]

I found this 1 and hade to post it

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[CrapshoT]

why do scotsman wear kilts so the sheep dont hear their zips
my m8 bought the new david blane doll but he couldnt get it out of the box

[Russ]

Originally posted by CrapshoT
my m8 bought the new david blane doll but he couldnt get it out of the box

he tried a knife?, maybe an axe?

[Punky]

Q. what's black and white and eats like a horse?

A. a zebra

Q. what's got 4 legs, is 7' tall and got a c**t halfway up its back?

A. a police horse

[Areku]

Well I had this mate right, and we were at the pub last week. So there we are just chillin and drinking, and none of us noticed but someone dropped £2 into my mates pint, he didnt notice so when he downed the pint he swallows up the £2 as well.

So he is in hostpital now, and I called up his mom last night to see how he was, she said there was still no change






I found it rather amusing when it was told to me

[Stringent]

Originally posted by CrapshoT

my m8 bought the new david blane doll but he couldnt get it out of the box

LOL!

Two factory workers were talking.

"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the woman.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The woman began walking out too. The boss asked her where she thought she was going.

"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark".

[Planetside]

Originally posted by Flanderz
LOL!

Two factory workers were talking.

"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the woman.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The woman began walking out too. The boss asked her where she thought she was going.

"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark".

LMAO

[CrapshoT]

Originally posted by Flanderz
LOL!

Two factory workers were talking.

"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the woman.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?

"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The woman began walking out too. The boss asked her where she thought she was going.

"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark".

raoflmfao classic classic thats a pure side splitter
good one ive still got tears rolling down

[Enverex]

I was looking for things to use a database for, and thought jokes would be a good idea, so I made this.... (i'll be adding whats in this thread too)...

http://atomnet.co.uk/?p=jokes

NS

[Theo]

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the s**t kicked out of him

[Tumble]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[shiato storm]

got this through on email today...made me chuckle

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her electric wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is "one sandwich short of a picnic," the other residents tolerate her, and some of the more sporting males actually join in.One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened andKooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"Stop," he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him."OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on two wheels, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on madam."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Calvin stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, no..." said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!!"

[Areku]

Originally posted by shiato storm
got this through on email today...made me chuckle

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her electric wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is "one sandwich short of a picnic," the other residents tolerate her, and some of the more sporting males actually join in.One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened andKooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"Stop," he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him."OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on two wheels, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on madam."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Calvin stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. "Oh, no..." said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!!"

That was funny.....until I got to the end of the joke and nearly felt sick

[shiato storm]

he he >