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It's risky putting this in here, as it's a bit rude but I think it's worthy :)
So if you're easily offended...don't scroll down.
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.ok
What does John Prescott have in common with an MFI flat pack?
A few screws in the wrong place, and the whole damn cabinet falls apart :)
:lol:
love it :D
Did you hear about the shrimp that went clubbing? Pulled a muscle.
Badum....ah screw it.
Haha, great stuff!
Doctor, doctor, should I file my nails?
No, put them in the bin like everybody else!
Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me!
NEXT!
lmfao, nice one Zak =P
:D
teh funnay
Try telling this one after a few drinks...........
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
nevermind trying to tell it - try remembering it!:shocked2:Quote:
Try telling this one after a few drinks...........
I have problems remembering them while sober ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noddy
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noddy
Oh my god :lol: :lol: :D :lol:
funny, hard enough trying to remember it sober, let alone rembering and sayin it after a few drinks!Quote:
Originally Posted by Noddy
I cant remember it sober or not =))
lmao at all - especially Zak though. You can't beat some good topical humour. :)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because hey taste funny...
keep it up everyone!!! :woowoo: :lol: :lol:
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
What is brown and stickly?
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a stick
whats invisible and stinks of carrots?
rabbit farts.
Peter Kay's Gags:
William Shakespeare went into a pub. The landlord shouted "GET OUT YOUR BARD!"
A mate of mine got knocked down by a mobile library, he was screaming in pain. The driver gets out and says "ssshhhhhhh!"
A man when into a doctors with a steering wheel down his underpants. "What happened?" the doctor said. The man replied "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"
Bit o' blue for th' dads ;)
Peter Kay owns
what does DNA stand for?
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National Dyslexia Association
Ha ha, these are all great.
why do 5% of women only go to Heaven?
Becuase anymore and it would Hell!!!
What do vegetarian Cannibals eat?
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Swedes.
Picture the scene...
You're walking along eating a pie and all of a sudden you get bitten in the eye by an eel. What sort of eel is it?
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<dean_martin>When you're eating a pie and an eel bites your eye, that's a moray!</dean_martin>
Absolutely fantastic, lmfao.Quote:
Originally Posted by GDVS
Haha, that's a textbook quality joke ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by just_laze
*Claps* That last one is Brilliant, Purley Brilliant :lol:
I can't remember it at all, but maybe it does make since while not being sober, who knows? :P
(the donky...etc etc)
- Moonshade
got these in an email...some of you may not have heard some of them.
Chav girl goes into the Doctor's complaining of a weird green rash on her inner thighs.
Doctor takes one look and says "Tell your boyfriend his gold earrings are fake".
What key can open any lock?
A pi-key.
What do you say to a chav when he's at work?
Big Mac and fries please.
What is the chav boy next door getting for Christmas?
Your bike.
What do you say to a chav in a suit?
How do you plead?
Where's the bride?
Whose funeral are you off to?
Four chavs drive off a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova. Why is it a shame?
A Vauxhall Nova seats five.
Why is a chav like a Slinky?
Because they have no real use, but it's fun to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit.
What do you call a chav in a locked box?
Safe innit.
there be some classics in this here thread...
but seriously, why are pirates called pirates???
Because they "ARRRRGGGHHH"
problems of globalization:
French + Greek = FREAK
Icelandic + Cuban = Icecube
The freak thing is probably true no offence for Greeks not your fault… :)
Whats a sh1tzu
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A Zoo With No Animals
:)
Steve - that made me chuckle :D
whats red and invisible?
no tomatoes.
Why do women eat at barbeques with no Knickers?
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To keep the flies off of the food!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve A
I was going to post that joke :p it's a good one :D
A woman goes into the doctors and asks him if he can recommend anything to increase the size of her breasts. He said to her that she should try 'Toilet Roll'. She was bemused and asked why toilet roll? He replied that it seemed to have worked on her arse!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tumble
that gets my vote :)
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his wife?
A. Wiped his arse.
The old Poodle
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa, taking her faithful old poodle named Cuddles along for company.
One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!” says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Two tourists were driving through Wales.....
At lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg"
Noddy... comic genius.
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!!
Whats Pink and Hard ...
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A Pig With Pen Knife
:(
Filming has already started on The Da Vinci Code II.
It's called I Know What You Did Last Supper
Welcome to Hexus Noddy! And keep up the good work!!! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Noddy
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clunk
HAHA
that was a good en'
They call mental asylum 'care homes' these days ... it's madness gone politically correct
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw - but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled her way up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small chamber. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached; then the numbers began to light in reverse order.
Finally the walls opened again, and a gorgeous 24-year-old Blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son................. "Go get your mother"
What's the difference between a COFFIN and a CONDOM?
Although they both carry stiffs,
One is used for coming and the other for going.
A couple, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, both are very tired and fall asleep quickly...
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
In the early hours, the man leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies, "get your own f****** blanket!"
WORK SMART
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden,but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Son
At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Son
A Priest was seated next to Paddy on a flight to Belfast.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
Paddy asked for a Rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips."
Paddy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too! I didn't know we had a choice."
Why don't Russians wear boxer shorts? Because Chernob'll fall out.
> >> FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS
> >> NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
> >> THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE
> >> BED. IT
> >> WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE
ENVELOPE
> >> AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:
> >>
> >> DEAR DAD:
> >> IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO
ELOPE
> >> WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND
> >> YOU.
> >> I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN
> >> WITH ALL
> >> HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT
> >> ONLY
> >> THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY
> >> HAPPY
> >> TOGETHER
> >>
> >> EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE
> >> ALREADY
> >> OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE
> >> WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE
> >> OF
> >> MY DREAMS TOO.
> >>
> >> BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL
BE
> >> GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE
> >> COCAINE
> >> AND ECSTASY (woo hoo ) WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT
> >> SCIENCE WILL FIND A
> >> CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
> >>
> >> DON'T WORRY DAD; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF
> >> MYSELF.
> >> SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
> >> GRANDCHILDREN .
> >>
> >> YOUR SON,
> >>
> >> Bill
> >>
> >> P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I
JUST
> >> WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT
> >> CARD
> >> THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!
> >>
> >> CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.
>
lol that's great! I wish I tried that way back when!