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Thread: Critique please!

  1. #1
    Dark side super agent
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    Critique please!

    I'm a bit of a writer and was wondering what folks opinions are on the following. I just knocked it up in the past half hour to stick up on my website and realised that some of you folks might be interested... BTW I haven't checked it for grammer or spelling yet so don't worry about that

    An Old Place
    It was an old room. Fustiness and dust layered the age cracked stones with inches of grey silveriness undisturbed for thousands of years. Pentagonal in shape, four of the room's five walls contained high open windows and one rotton door of which there was barely enough material left in the frame for it to be said to be hanging off its hinges.

    If one strolled through clouds of floating dust motes over to one of the windows then a view like nothing on earth would greet you. High overhead a cold silver light shone feebly on the ramparts and crenellations of a rectangular fortress city below. Dark, deep shadows clung to the many layered walls, engulfing the once living citadel in an omnipresent gloom. The tower that held the room at its peak rose high above the clutching grasps of the conquering shadows, sprinkles of light dancing across its surface as if taunting the glowering darkness below. Beyond the confines of the fortress nothing could be seen. The darkness was total and oppressive, a living thing that breathed in silence and was ever watchful. Occasionally, very occasionally, if you were unlucky, a darker, deeper shadow could be seen moving silently in the night.

    And the purpose of this room? This stark room held so far from the repellant darkness holds but one object, a treasure beyond compare, an item so powerful it was hidden away by its original owners beyond the sight of the brave new world above. In the centre, you can see it. A giant metal cauldron, moulded in the shape of a strange fish with its mouth held unnaturally wide open, its fins forming a tripod on which it can sit. The cauldron gleams and sparkles far more than it should do considering the weak light that filters into the room. It takes a moment for you to realise what's so different about the cauldron. It's not dusty. In fact the dust forms a low wall round about the artifact as something keeps it at bay.

    This city will be desecrated soon. You can see the yellow beams from the invader's lights shining across the cavern towards the fortress, repulsing the inky darkness that for so long laid claim to this long forgotten place. The cauldron of long lost legend may once again be recovered.
    An Atlantean Triumvirate, Ghosts of the Past, The Centre Cannot Hold
    The Pillars of Britain, Foundations of the Reich, Cracks in the Pillars.

    My books are available here for Amazon Kindle. Feedback always welcome!

  2. #2
    I can't get no sleep
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    Great imagination. I’m no expert but I found this interesting enough to have a good look at which says a lot.

    Keep it all in the same tense, e.g. present tense if the reader is to feel like they viewing the now.

    If the windows are high how does one look through a window, perhaps they could be tall.

    Have you considered giving the fortress and the room a name?

    The cavern mentioned in the last paragraph, where does this fit into the grand scheme. If the fortress is within a cavern where does the silvery light come from? I assumed it was the moon.

    I try to avoid over describing things and describing the same attribute twice in a sentence, e.g. "many layered walls", "unnaturally wide open" and "inky darkness that for so long laid claim to this long forgotten place"

    This is different rather than better:

    An Old Place
    A thousand years of fustiness waits to invade the nostrils of the first souls entering the room through a door so rotten there is barely enough material in the frame for it to hang off its hinges. Inch thick layers of dust coat age cracked stone like silver armour. Faint light sparkles in the four towering windows of the bleak pentagonal shape room.

    Strolling through the room to reach one of the windows creates a battle against clouds of floating dust motes. The reward is a breathtaking view over the darkened bastion. High overhead cold silver light shines feebly on the ramparts and crenulations of the rectangular fortress city below. Deep shadows cling to the layered walls, engulfing the once living citadel in an omnipresent gloom. The tower that holds the room at its peak soars above the clutching grasps of the conquering shadows, sprinkles of light dance across its surface taunting the glowering darkness below. Beyond the confines of the city a silent and watchful darkness is total and oppressive. The unlucky catch a glimpse of a deeper shadow as it steals silently through the night.

    The stark room’s purpose is to hold one object far from the repellent darkness, a treasure beyond compare, an item so powerful it was concealed by its owners from the brave new world. A three metre high metal cauldron, moulded in the shape of a peculiar fish, mouth held unnaturally wide, fins forming a tripod on which it sits as the centre piece of the room. Gleaming and spotless the cauldron has an aura that outshines the frail light filtering into the room. The dust forms a low wall round about the artefact as if in respect.

    This city is soon to be desecrated. An army of yellow beams invade across the cavern towards the fortress, repulsing the inky darkness that lays claim to this forsaken place. The cauldron of long lost legend may once again be recovered.
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    It looks ok so far however I do believe it requires some editing "if you were unlucky, a darker"
    Try to avoid words like you when using descriptions of this kind.

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    Righty ho. Good stuff folks and a nice reworking Anders! A bit of background - I'm currently writing book 2 in the Storms series (A follow up to A Gathering of Storm Clouds) and sometimes I get seriously fed up writing in the same style so I unleash myself and come up with a few paragraphs as above. I know exactly what you mean by the tense and I noticed myself wandering from one to another while I wrote it which isn't like me at all. The tense is meant to change from paragraph 3 to try and enable the reader to visualise "being there" and I don't think I quite pulled it off because it's so short.

    To answer Anders questions - if I gave the fortress and room a name I would reveal a significant plot I'm developing in book 2 so that's a nada. The fortress within the cavern will only make perfect sense once I've finished book 2 and you've read it! Sorry, no clues! The four paragraphs are a quick take on the breaching of the cavern from another perspective and helped me write from the desecrators prespective when I finished off the chapter tonight. As far as I'm concerned I'll never extend An Old Place as it's served it's purpose.

    Thanks once again. Anyone else care to comment?
    An Atlantean Triumvirate, Ghosts of the Past, The Centre Cannot Hold
    The Pillars of Britain, Foundations of the Reich, Cracks in the Pillars.

    My books are available here for Amazon Kindle. Feedback always welcome!

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    Not *@!%in Postman Pat! Ruggerbugger's Avatar
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    I can't match Anders' detailed reply, but I'd agree that there are a few places where an excess of adjectives makes the sentence a little complicated and unwieldy. Personally, I'd reduce some of the hyperbole, less is more in other words. Otherwise, I got a great mental picture of the room and its surroundings. Let us know when the books are ready!

    [edit] Just realised what your sig was. I liked the excerpt from the book, think you've got yourself a sale there
    Last edited by Ruggerbugger; 10-08-2006 at 10:54 PM.


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    Dark side super agent
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    When I'm writing the stuff I always think I'm not putting enough description in... Can't please everyone The stuff I wrote was an exercise for myself in description so that's probably why there's so much of it. I'm glad you got a great mental picture cause I'd've been hacked off if you hadn't!

    Book 1 is out now BTW. If you look at my sig and click on "my book" then you'll see it... It may even give you some clues to what An Old Place is all about....
    Last edited by Bluecube; 11-08-2006 at 09:54 AM.
    An Atlantean Triumvirate, Ghosts of the Past, The Centre Cannot Hold
    The Pillars of Britain, Foundations of the Reich, Cracks in the Pillars.

    My books are available here for Amazon Kindle. Feedback always welcome!

  7. #7
    Not *@!%in Postman Pat! Ruggerbugger's Avatar
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    I liked the short stories on the site as well.


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  8. #8
    Dark side super agent
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    Holy cr*p! Some kind folks have taken the time to write reviews for my book! I'm stunned. Big round of applause... Especially as that's two lots of five stars
    An Atlantean Triumvirate, Ghosts of the Past, The Centre Cannot Hold
    The Pillars of Britain, Foundations of the Reich, Cracks in the Pillars.

    My books are available here for Amazon Kindle. Feedback always welcome!

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