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Thread: Is this okay? I'm getting dizzy now.

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    Question Is this okay? I'm getting dizzy now.

    been helping a mate with his english but this particular paragraph is just too much for me.


    In any situation of physical abuse involving a handicapped child or one that is born prematurely or at a low birth weight, any situation where a sibling younger than eighteen months of age is already present in the home, any situation in which the child is the result of an unwanted pregnancy or a pregnancy that the mother denies, any situation where one sibling has been reported to child protective services for suspected physical abuse and, finally, the general inherent stress of parenting which, when combined with the pressure of any one or a combination of the factors previously mentioned, may exacerbate any difficult situation.

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    Tumble's Rear Gunner
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    im sorry i cant read that, esph on a screen.... making me head hurt..... someone else help him out :-D


    South Barrule from Cringle Plantation (with a Landy )

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    herbalist
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    saying ", any situation" between each point doesn't help it much. i aint an english genius, but by splitting the posts and putting them into possibly related groups would hepl imo.

    if war is the answer, then we are asking the wrong question
    2 things i hate the most - xenophobia and the french
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    Senior Member Tumble's Avatar
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    would help to see the context of the question really.. I assume it is a question right?

    But that paragraph would probably be better set out in bullet points, or at least a line per point, and mor punctuation.... there's a "golden" length for sentences... not a hard and fast rule, but you will know when it's comfortable cos you can read the whole line without having to back-track, and read the bit before, again, to work out what the bit you're reading now means....

    Quote Originally Posted by The Quentos
    "My udder is growing. Quick pass me the parsely sauce." Said Oliver.

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    i cant even get what is he trying to imply!!

    so is this one

    The unborn category of children is includes those about to be born to parents who have already seriously abused siblings and increasingly those due to be born to parents involved in substance misuse.

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    Beard hat ftw! steve threlfall's Avatar
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    Too long for a sentence- needs splitting up into at leats two maybe three. Also the words any and situation are used too many times

    In any situation of physical abuse involving a handicapped child or one that is born prematurely or at a low birth weight, where a sibling younger than eighteen months of age is already present in the home, or in which the child is the result of an unwanted pregnancy or a pregnancy that the mother denies.

    Also in a situation where one sibling has been reported to child protective services for suspected physical abuse and finally, the general inherent stress of parenting which, when combined with the pressure of any one or a combination of the factors previously mentioned, may exacerbate any difficult situation.

    /\/\/\ this look any better.

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    Senior Member Tumble's Avatar
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    that one's easy.. there's a rogue 'is' in there between children and includes in the first breath....

    Quote Originally Posted by The Quentos
    "My udder is growing. Quick pass me the parsely sauce." Said Oliver.

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    Originally posted by steve threlfall


    In any situation of physical abuse involving a handicapped child or one that is born prematurely or at a low birth weight, where a sibling younger than eighteen months of age is already present in the home, or in which the child is the result of an unwanted pregnancy or a pregnancy that the mother denies.

    Also in a situation where one sibling has been reported to child protective services for suspected physical abuse and finally, the general inherent stress of parenting which, when combined with the pressure of any one or a combination of the factors previously mentioned, may exacerbate any difficult situation.

    /\/\/\ this look any better.
    Excellent!!, i'll just use yours. I guess, my english is just not enough to help him.

    Thanks

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    LUSE Galant's Avatar
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    Erm, that still doesn't help.

    He should flip the sentence on his head, something like this:

    Within parenting it is possible to encounter a number of influencing factors/situations/conditions (take your pick) that have the potential to increase greatly the difficulty of an already stressful task. Some of the more significant of these include physical abuse involving a child suffering premature birth or birth defects, the presence of a sibling younger than eighteen months, or when the child is the result of an unplanned pregnancy. One should also pay great attention to any situation where one sibling has been reported to child protective services.


    How's that read?
    No trees were harmed in the creation of this message. However, many electrons were displaced and terribly inconvenienced.

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    Senior Member Tumble's Avatar
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    better than the first one tbh - sentences broken up into bite-size chunks, but still good structured sentences... reads very well

    Quote Originally Posted by The Quentos
    "My udder is growing. Quick pass me the parsely sauce." Said Oliver.

  11. #11
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    Originally posted by Galant
    Erm, that still doesn't help.

    He should flip the sentence on his head, something like this:

    Within parenting it is possible to encounter a number of influencing factors/situations/conditions (take your pick) that have the potential to increase greatly the difficulty of an already stressful task. Some of the more significant of these include physical abuse involving a child suffering premature birth or birth defects, the presence of a sibling younger than eighteen months, or when the child is the result of an unplanned pregnancy. One should also pay great attention to any situation where one sibling has been reported to child protective services.


    How's that read?
    very good to what i can see. will let him choose.

    thanks

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