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Thread: Just for fun - Fridays jokes

  1. #1
    Senior Member kickstart 1's Avatar
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    Just for fun - Fridays jokes

    Its Friday , lets be happy , the weekend starts here!

    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"



    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.


    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

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    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
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    agh noooo. simply painful to read
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

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    Agent of the System ikonia's Avatar
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    they are terrible, could we please go back to "good morning"

    Jimmy Carr has put out a book on short quips like this.

    Moyels was reading them out on Radio one yesterday - they where totally as bad.

    "My wife is going on Holiday to the carabian, "
    "Jamaca?"
    "No she wanted to go"

    etc etc
    It is Inevitable.....


  4. #4
    Does he need a reason? Funkstar's Avatar
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    I thought the thread title said something about jokes...

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    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
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    well these jokes are a joke. does that count?
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

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    DILLIGAF GoNz0's Avatar
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    A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought
    a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed
    to deliver the donkey the next day.

    The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I
    have some bad news.

    The donkey died. "Well, then, just give me my money back."
    Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    "OK, then, just unload the donkey."

    "What ya gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

    I'm going to raffle him off.""You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

    "Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
    said the Cajun.

    A month later the farmer met up the Cajun and asked,
    "What happened with that dead donkey?"

    The Cajun replied, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred
    tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

    "Didn't anyone complain?"

    Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

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    www.5lab.co.uk
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    the other week i was in the south of wales on a night out, and it was going swimmingly, i started chatting up a cute mother and daughter combo.. few hours pass and i'm happily doing the daughter.. look over my shoulder and see the mother looking me in the eye. she looks at her daughter, looks back at me then says something that i'll remember forever















    'baaaaaaaaa'
    hughlunnon@yahoo.com | I have sigs turned off..

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    DILLIGAF GoNz0's Avatar
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    Jim goes on vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they are visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law dies.

    With the death certificate in hand, Jim goes to the American Consulate's office to make arrangements to send the body back to the U.S. for proper burial.

    The consulate, after hearing about the death of the mother-in-law, tells Jim that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive -- it could cost as much as $5,000. The consulate continues and explains that in most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body in the country where he or she passed away. This would only cost $150.

    Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

    The consulate, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

    "No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance..."

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    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
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    as i read them TIME SLOWS DOWN
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

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    What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

    Angus McCoatup

    ----

    What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.

    ----

    Q: WHAT'S the difference between outlaws and inlaws

    A. outlaws are wanted!

    ----

    sorry i just couldnt help myself!!
    Last edited by Stoo; 01-12-2006 at 02:33 PM.

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    haha i laughed most at the last one! you sure couldnt!
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

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    LWA
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    You asked for it....

    One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha £20 I can bite my eye."

    The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

    Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another £20 I can bite my other eye."

    Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

    He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back plus. Betcha £100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could pee into it and not spill a drop."

    The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbly climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pees all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the £100 on the bar and laughs uproariously.

    "What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

    Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there £200 that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry!"

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    HEXUS.social member Allen's Avatar
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    Hilarious Leon!!

    BTW, where ya been lately?

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    HEXUS.social member Allen's Avatar
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    A colleague at work has an advent calendar that reveals jokes… well, they opened the first one today and here it is:

    Q: What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
    A: Deep pan crisp and even.

    None of us get it… do you?

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    IBM
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    Quote Originally Posted by Allen View Post
    A colleague at work has an advent calendar that reveals jokes… well, they opened the first one today and here it is:

    Q: What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
    A: Deep pan crisp and even.

    None of us get it… do you?
    lol

    and as for leon's joke, people haven't seen Desperado?
    sig removed by Zak33

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    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
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    Good King Wenceslas lyrics. and deep pan pizza. mixed into a pathetic horrible mess of a "joke"
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

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