Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 16 of 21

Thread: Joke time...

  1. #1
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    12,806
    Thanks
    657
    Thanked
    931 times in 634 posts
    • dave87's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Asus
      • CPU:
      • i5 3470k under Corsair H80 WC
      • Memory:
      • 8gb DDR3
      • Storage:
      • 240gb SSD + 120gb SSD
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Asus HD7950
      • PSU:
      • XFX 600w Modular
      • Case:
      • Lian Li PC-A05FNB + Acoustipack
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 Pro
      • Monitor(s):
      • 2x Dell S2309W (1920x1080)
      • Internet:
      • BT Infinity Option 2

    Joke time...

    This was posted on a forum I'm a moderator on, and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share:

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
    the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

    Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

    By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that claims it has never, ever, had an accident!

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in the cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: The number 3 engine is missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one saved for last......

    P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget.

    Dave

  2. #2
    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lytham St. Annes
    Posts
    17,297
    Thanks
    653
    Thanked
    1,580 times in 1,006 posts
    • MadduckUK's system
      • Motherboard:
      • MSI B450M Mortar
      • CPU:
      • AMD Ryzen 5 3600
      • Memory:
      • 32GB 3200 DDR4
      • Storage:
      • 1x480GB SSD, 1x 2TB Hybrid, 1x 3TB Rust Spinner
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Radeon 5700XT
      • PSU:
      • Corsair TX750w
      • Case:
      • Phanteks Enthoo Evolv mATX
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10 x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Samsung SJ55W, DELL S2409W
      • Internet:
      • Plusnet 80
    no-one has had the courtesy to respond yet.. so i will..


    BOOOOOOOOOOO!
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

  3. #3
    Hello jackvdbuk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Stratford
    Posts
    2,513
    Thanks
    468
    Thanked
    112 times in 95 posts
    • jackvdbuk's system
      • Motherboard:
      • AbiT IP35-PRO
      • CPU:
      • Intel C2Q Q9550
      • Memory:
      • OCZ Nvidia SLi Edition 4GB (2x2gb) pc2-6400 DDR2
      • Storage:
      • lots of TB
      • Graphics card(s):
      • BFG 8800GTS 512MB
      • PSU:
      • Corsair HX620W
      • Case:
      • Corsair 800D
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Premium x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 2407WFP
      • Internet:
      • Orange (about 6Mb)
    P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    thats ones a gooden lol hehe these r well good, i dont kno how they can be actual replys lol

  4. #4
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    10,021
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked
    316 times in 141 posts
    These have been doing the rounds for aaaaaages but still make me chuckle...

    Last time I saw them they were a snagging sheet for USAF pilots at some Airforce base somewhere, which would explain the inclusion of a Target Radar snag... unless Quantas have never crashed because they shoot down any nearby aircraft?
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

  5. #5
    Senior Member kasavien's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    St. Albans
    Posts
    1,829
    Thanks
    145
    Thanked
    104 times in 49 posts
    oh shush, they were awesome! ( that was aimed at madduck btw )

  6. #6
    Flat cap, Whippets, Cave. Clunk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    11,056
    Thanks
    360
    Thanked
    725 times in 459 posts
    "P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from the midget. "

    Make I larf.

  7. #7
    Senior Member kickstart 1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    1,037
    Thanks
    73
    Thanked
    26 times in 18 posts
    Never seen that one before lmao

  8. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    South Wales
    Posts
    114
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0 times in 0 posts
    Haha chuckled for a good while.. never read these before, very good...

  9. #9
    Tastes like chicken leeglf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Sharqi Peninsula.
    Posts
    830
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0 times in 0 posts
    new to me too!

    made me laugh alot

  10. #10
    Network|Geek kidzer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Aberdeenshire
    Posts
    1,732
    Thanks
    91
    Thanked
    47 times in 42 posts
    • kidzer's system
      • Motherboard:
      • $motherboard
      • CPU:
      • Intel Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 4GB
      • Storage:
      • 1TiB Samsung
      • Graphics card(s):
      • BFG 8800GTS OC
      • PSU:
      • Antec Truepower
      • Case:
      • Antec P160
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7
      • Monitor(s):
      • 20" Viewsonic
      • Internet:
      • ~3Mbps ADSL (TalkTalk Business)
    seen 'em before, but can never remember them - thanks for sticking 'em up again!
    "If you're not on the edge, you're taking up too much room!"
    - me, 2005

  11. #11
    Banned OV3RCLOCK3R's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Manchester
    Posts
    1,316
    Thanks
    20
    Thanked
    16 times in 13 posts
    Loved the last one

  12. #12
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Surrey
    Posts
    4,274
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked
    386 times in 233 posts
    • Whiternoise's system
      • Motherboard:
      • DFI LANPARTY JR P45-T2RS
      • CPU:
      • Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 8GB DDR2
      • Storage:
      • 5.6TB Total
      • Graphics card(s):
      • HD4780
      • PSU:
      • 425W Modu82+ Enermax
      • Case:
      • Silverstone TJ08b
      • Operating System:
      • Win7 64
      • Monitor(s):
      • Dell 23" IPS
      • Internet:
      • 1Gbps Fibre Line
    Still love these:


    DOS Airlines
    Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

    OS/2 Airlines
    The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.

    Once they finally finished you're offered a flight at reduced cost. To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

    Windows Air
    The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

    Windows NT Air
    Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

    Mac Airlines
    All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

    Unix Airlines
    Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

    BeOS Air
    You have to pay for the tickets, but they're half the price of Windows Air, and if you are an aircraft mechanic you can probably ride for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the airport and you are cheuferred there in a limozine. BeOS Air only has limited types of planes that only only hold new luggage. All planes are single seaters and the model names all start with an "F" (F-14, F-15, F-16, F-18, etc.). The plane will fly you to your destination on autopilot in half the time of other Airways or you can fly the plane yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you'd want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS Air is and all they say is "What do you mean I can't bring all my old baggage with me?"

    Linux Airlines
    Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

    Windows XP Air

    You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.
    Last edited by Whiternoise; 16-01-2007 at 11:58 PM. Reason: added XP

  13. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    332
    Thanks
    6
    Thanked
    6 times in 5 posts
    • Elessar_VPR's system
      • Motherboard:
      • Abit IP35 Pro
      • CPU:
      • Core 2 Quad - Q6600
      • Memory:
      • 4 Gb Corsair 6400
      • Storage:
      • 2.8Tb
      • Graphics card(s):
      • MSI HD-6850
      • PSU:
      • Corsair HX620
      • Case:
      • Lian Li A-10
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 7 Home Premium x64
      • Monitor(s):
      • NEC MultiSync - 24WMGX3
    Those were fanatasic!

  14. #14
    The King of Vague Steve B's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Glasgow
    Posts
    5,051
    Thanks
    116
    Thanked
    67 times in 63 posts
    what does a dyslexic cow say?
    - OOOOOOMO!

  15. #15
    Senior Member pr0p4g4nd4's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Leeds, UK
    Posts
    1,441
    Thanks
    7
    Thanked
    1 time in 1 post
    • pr0p4g4nd4's system
      • Motherboard:
      • ASUS ROG Strix B550 Mini ITX
      • CPU:
      • AMD Ryzen 9 5950X
      • Memory:
      • 2x32GB Corsair Vengeance RGB Pro 3600
      • Storage:
      • 2TB+500GB M.2 NVME
      • Graphics card(s):
      • Zotac 1070 Mini
      • PSU:
      • Corsair SF750
      • Case:
      • Cooler Master Masterbox NR200P
      • Operating System:
      • Windows 10, Arch Linux, macOS Catalina
      • Monitor(s):
      • 4x 27" LG 4K IPS
    Haha, some cracking jokes there

  16. #16
    HEXUS.bouncer Jonny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Gainsville, Rock City Uni: Newcastle
    Posts
    1,489
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked
    0 times in 0 posts
    Better than the other "joke" thread!

    I like!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Top 5 All Time Games?
    By Stewart in forum Gaming
    Replies: 199
    Last Post: 30-09-2012, 01:53 AM
  2. When is the best time to exercise?
    By Taz in forum Sports and Fitness
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 04-11-2005, 12:21 PM
  3. A strange time...
    By Kezzer in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: 12-10-2005, 01:48 AM
  4. losing time
    By 5cupa in forum PC Hardware and Components
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 03-12-2003, 03:28 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •