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Thread: Why, why, why....

  1. #1
    Yes, for my sins I'm offically Zak33's *better* half... Sair33's Avatar
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    Why, why, why....

    We've probably heard them all before, but it made me chuckle on a dull Monday afternoon!!

    Why, why, why....

    • Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
    • Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
    • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    • Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
    • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
    • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
    • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
    • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    • Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
    • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
    • Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
    • Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
    • Why do people const antly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
    • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
    • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
    • When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
    • Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
    • In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
    • How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

      ...and best of all....
    • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


    I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time.... It was them that started me drinking.

  2. #2
    The Irish Drunk! neonplanet40's Avatar
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    lol made me giggle away to myself, i think im the mental one
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    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sair View Post
    [*]Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    oh.....she saw......

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

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    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sair View Post
    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    higher chance of reaching there intended target
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

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    UKMuFFiN
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    Delilah

  6. #6
    WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MadduckUK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UKMuFFiN View Post
    Delilah
    Quote Originally Posted by Ephesians
    Do not be drunk with wine, which will ruin you, but be filled with the Spirit
    Vodka

  7. #7
    UKMuFFiN
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    He he he, nice addition

  8. #8
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
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    To answer in order...

    1. Batteries store and dishcarge on electricity which can be expressed as amperes using some pain the ass equation... But anyone who's watched The Matrix knows that we're all just living batteries anyway, so by pressing harder we're trying to bring our own natural amperage closer to the remote's circuits to boost the flagging power from the battery and send a signal to the TV. Of course, the amount of power we exert is usually at least twice the amount we'd use either getting up and switching channels or going to the cupboard and getting new batteries.
    2. Because they're basts... but not for much longer : http://money.guardian.co.uk/saving/b...994533,00.html
    3. Because counting to four billion, even if you counted twice a second, would take oooh, about two billion seconds, which, even if you take the smaller, American version of a billion, is still a very long time. Whereas to ruin a good suit or your favourite shirt takes precisely the inverse amount of time...
    4. Because of magic glue elves who evaporate in contact with air. Which is why superglue lids to their bottles are the most firmly attached things in my house...
    5. For the same reason a seriously wounded criminal is nursed back to health before being tried and sentenced to death. Personally I'd make them listen to an afternoon cocktail bar act in Vegas for three days straight then give them a rusty saw to finish themselves off with... and even that's being humane...
    6. Because Jane wasn't around to nag him to shave, to have a go about him always hanging around with those "nasty chimp friends of his" and to complain that she couldn't back the elephant out of the garage. Facial hair is a male stress reaction.
    7. Because people always fire at his chest but lob the gun at his quiff. Have you any idea how hard it is to get changed in a phone booth, fly around the world at twice the speed of sound and STILL maintain that quiff? No gun lobbing street low-life can be allowed to destroy it with a mere empty revolver!
    8. It increases the damage. Don't believe me? Get someone in a motorbike helmet to nut you.... See?
    9. Thome evil bathtard. But you goota love hith thenthe of humour!
    10. Because just as people evolved 'from' apes, people are DEvolving 'to' apes. It's happening now. The first signs are the females wearing big hoopy earings and the males' penchant for signet rings and Corsas with outrageous, badly fitted body kits. Both sexes have a leaning torwards Burberry as it reminds them of the vines in the jungle.
    11. For the same reason that no matter what you've eaten, there's always carrots and tomatoes when you're sick.
    12. By law there has to be or the mattress cannot be classed as being on sale. However, the law of mattress firms states (in the small print) that no matter how alluring and intriguing the sale offer is, the mattress you want is ALWAYS at full price. In fact, before even opening your mouth in a mattress shop, just open your wallet, let the salesman help himself and then decide what you want... it's less stressful that way.
    13. Because hope springs eternal and, just like finding a tenner in a pair of trousers, finding a plate of cooked sausages is one of those little moments of golden sunshine on the path to heart disease.
    14. This is based on human's incurable denial that anything they've bought is not crap. If the hoover can't pick up everything, then it serves to only confirm that you have made a bad buying choice... realise this and the entire ego each human is built upon will start to crumble as self-confidence is shattered to be replaced by loathing and the cold, dim realisation that you've been had... (see 'mattresses, above)... so for the love of God keep running it over... it WILL pick up, it WILL pick up!(SEE NOTE 1)
    15. This is a common myth. ALL bags will open on the first try. The lesser known truth is that it's a 50/50 toss if, once open, they can more accurately be known as a 'tube'.
    16. Check the manufacturer's guidelines and you'll find that many bugs are free optional extras. Many household names include these... Windows XP is a good example.
    17. Because many of us have learnt from bitter experience that mouthing off to complete strangers in a fit of anger and pain has one of two possible outcomes. Either a brief moment of hollow triumph as the basher walks off admonished or, and more likely, a brief moment of terror as the basher, a 22 stone hulk with no neck and more muscles than a Venice Beach gym, takes the trolley and shows you an excruciating way to become a trolley 'hood ornament'. Why does everyone apologise? Because we're the quick learners...
    18. This is down to 'man-trapping', that trait amongst women to arrange ornaments, flowers, priceless Ming vases and anything even remotely breakable, up to and including reinforced concrete, in such a way that the slightest movement will cause it to topple and smash. If only they applied this instinctive knowledge to tile cutting, 90% of the nation's bathrooms would look so much nicer.
    19. In the summer the only people who complain about the heat are the environmentalists who say it's all because we're warming the globe up. We don't want to keep the house as warm in the winter but what are you gonna do but burn the bodies of all those bloody environmentalists from last summer? Ground's to heard to bury 'em!
    20. Because men are better shots than women. And anyways, has anyone's mother-in-law suggested they hit a strip club on the stag night? Thought not.


    NOTE 1
    When the string is finally hoovered up, a double satisfaction is achieved. First, that the hoover is not a poor purchase and therefore the ego is reinforced, and second, the 'repairman' boost when you have to unravel said string from the bloody beater bar that it has wrapped itself around.
    Last edited by Nick; 22-01-2007 at 11:58 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

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    Hardcore Til I Die htid's Avatar
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    Oh how I know about the string one!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Nick
    NOTE 1
    When the string is finally hoovered up, a double satisfaction is achieved.
    So very very true!

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    haha i love the last one dude.

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    HEXUS.social member finlay666's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nick View Post
    To answer in order...
    Because just as people evolved 'from' apes, people are DEvolving 'to' apes. It's happening now. The first signs are the females wearing big hoopy earings and the males' penchant for signet rings and Corsas with outrageous, badly fitted body kits. Both sexes have a leaning torwards Burberry as it reminds them of the vines in the jungle.

    Quality
    H3XU5 Social FAQ
    Quote Originally Posted by tiggerai View Post
    I do like a bit of hot crumpet

  12. #12
    Mike Fishcake
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    Dammit Nick - I was going to answer them all as well

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sair View Post
    [*]Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
    they're greedy

  14. #14
    Who the $%£# told you you could eat my cookies?! Oobie-'s Avatar
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    LOL - quality stuff. Made me giggle before I go bed
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  15. #15
    Ғо ѕніzzLє му піzzLє chicken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nick View Post
    To answer in order...

    1. Because they're basts... but not for much longer : http://money.guardian.co.uk/saving/b...994533,00.html
    You've just made my day



    Shame I'm just about to go to bed!
    1.21 GIGAWATTS!!!!!

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