How to RMA your not so "Golden Sample" Pulp Fiction Style
How to RMA your not so "Golden Sample" Pulp Fiction Style
Kevin had been waiting for his brand new, Doom III/HL2 compliant Gainward 6800GT Golden sample for over two weeks now - well six weeks would be more like it when you consider he'd initially pre-ordered a Radeon X800XT but had finally given up on it after being informed that he'd have to wait for at least another four weeks ... in fact when you take into account the "paper" launch some six weeks before that it's more like 3 months.
The card arrives and Kevin is at last able to put his new rig together to play the much awaited, and similarly much delayed, release of Doom III. The A64 3500 (939) is up and running nicely in its shiny new case and the 6800 is running happily away at stock. Life is good ... or is it ...
... the overclocking begins but the card won’t do anything over 360/1020 without artefacts and consistent lock-ups. Kevin didn't part with his hard earned cash to run his 6800GT Golden Sample at stock 6800GT speeds ... the way Kevin looked at it this card was his birthright and he'd be damned if any n00b was gonna put his greasy yellow benchmarks on futuremark to beat his.
Kevin rings customer support at "www.pimp-computers.co.uk" and customer support manager "Jimmy" answers the call ...
Kevin: Hello?
Kevin: Hello!?
Jimmy: Pimp-computers, Jimmy speaking how can I help?
Kevin: You sold me queer Giraffes!
Jimmy: I'm sorry?
Kevin: You sold me a schnorrer - is this Golden Sample supposed to do 400/1100 or not!?
Jimmy: What?
Kevin: Man this is some f00ked up repugnant sh1t
Jimmy: What!?
Kevin: Say "what" again, motherf**ker, I dare you, I double-dare you say "what" again
Jimmy: erm ... Sorry?
Kevin: has my house got a sign on it saying “Stock GPU storage”? Well has it?
Kevin: You know why it hasn’t got that sign? Because storing stock GPU’s ain’t my fu*king business that’s why!
Jimmy: Sir I’m not sure how I can help …
Kevin: Look if my purchase isn't appreciated ...
Jimmy: No it's nothing like that I just don't know ...
Kevin: If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor ... I think fast, I overclock fast and I need you guys to act fast if we are going to get out of this ... so pretty please, with sugar on top, change the fu*king card
Jimmy: Listen, Sir, I really need some details off you before ...
Kevin: Do I look like a bitch!?
Jimmy: I really can't take this any further without ...
Kevin: DO I LOOK LIKE A BITCH!!??
Jimmy: Sir I've got a threshold, I've got a threshold for the abuse that I will take ...
Kevin: Oh you've got a threshold, well right now I'm overclocked Barton on passive cooling, I’m a 5800 running 3dmark03 … and your ass ain’t talking your way outta this sh1t
Jimmy: Listen, Friend …
Kevin: You ain’t my friend, Poloco
Jimmy: What was that?
Kevin: I think you heard me just fine, Punchy
Jimmy: So what now?
Kevin: Let me tell you what now, I’m gonna call a couple of hard forum-hitting reviewers to go to work on the sites round here, when I've finished with you PIMP will be lucky to be re-selling rubber dogsh1t outta Hong-Kong ... you hear me talking Jimmy-boy I ain’t through with you by damn sight … I’m gonna get medieval on your ass.
Jimmy: I’m sending an RMA
Kevin: You’re sending an RMA!? Well sheet negro that’s all you had to say.
Kevin is still awaiting his replacement and is hoping that it will arrive before the release of HL2 or 2005 whichever is the sooner ;)
