Which laptop?! What? THAT one?

Hey, I'm 30 but relatively ignorant of computers n stuff. Not kidding until a few months ago I really thought the only reference to RAMs was fluffy things that go "baaaaaa". Well, since I've been working where I am now, and have been having to maintain my own work computer, which is shocking, I've learned a little bit. But to learn enough I need to ask for the advice of people who know their stuff.

Which is where you come in. I found this forum by accident and came across Saracen mentioned in Google, and after reading one thread in which some pillock had his 16 year old nuts fed back to him on a silver platter, I took it that you guys really know. So please please take just a minute (okay, another one) to help me out.

I was until recently using a computer, which just about got me by. But it broke. Probably user error, but anyway it broke. So I got what I'm on now from a classified thinking I was getting a bargain. 1.5GBsheep, 60GB HDD, 1.something Processor. And this is fast compared to what I was used to.
But I've been saving and can in just 6 days afford to strole into a computer shop and enthusiastically thrust a few hundred quid in some poor unsuspecting salesperson's face.

But how do I decide what I want? I've been looking up articles and reviews all over and I've learned a lot. But nothing. Not one thing will actually just come out and say, "You need that one". And it's so frustrating. I can't afford to buy a new laptop every other month, so getting the right one now is quite important, and I'm hung up about getting the most for my money.

So to help me decide what I want, I need to find out what the best processor is, what the best graphics, erm, not card, but whatever you call it when it's built in. I presume they're built into Laptop motherboards?

So I am really hoping that with the number of members this forum has if I just say what I want to do, enough people will recommend what they use, or have read a bona fide review about and can relate that to me.

I understand this much from what I've learned recently: PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong.

Processor. Clock speed, faster = can actually think quicker. More cores = theoretically up to as much Ghz again per number of cores.
RAM. Short term memory (which is what the Processor works with most of the time), more = can handle having more things on the go at once without getting all slow having to get things straight from the HDD.

That much I get, but how come then a 2000 pound laptop has a 1.7GHz processor and a 400 pound laptop a 2.13GHz processor. And why would you want to marry that processor to 16GB RAM when the CPU would be the slowest link after just a couple of Gig of RAM? I know I'm missing something there. And no where can I find how to quantify RAM and Speed into a measurement I can work with. I can't say "Oh, I need one this fast" Because I can't find anywhere where it just says, if you want to do this, you need that.

So, if you would please:

On a typical day (not that any day is typical in my line of work) I have open at once:

1x Firefox with 3 addons and 5 or 6 tabs (half through laziness, half actually referring to) a couple of which will have very demanding animations OR Youtube, I actually use a lot of youtube stuff, and other stuff that cause this computer to freeze up when I try to click a link. In fact sometimes it won't even get so far as to finish loading the page.

4x Excel sheets all open unsaved for hours at a time (does that make a difference i.e. using RAM instead of HDD cos not saving it????

Media Player would be a long old day without music. but i don't play any head banging stuff so that shouldn't slow it down......... (Joke). Or might stream radio. But that kills it the machine.

Outlook doing a send/receive every minute. I'd have it doing it more often (if it were possible) if it weren't for the fact it's pulling emails from 6 different addresses and it spends half its life sending and recieving already. I WILL NOT BUDGE on the frequency tho. If I can't get my emails every minute I will go quietly insane. I can't stand not knowing!!!

Skype and MSN on and logged in (for work of course).

And sometimes, more besides like Publisher, Paint, Word, Random programs like photoresizer. And sometimes I'll have 3 or 4 Publishers and Paints open at the same time with a 5MP picture being copy n pasted, i'm guessing that's RAM too? But surely 5MB from 1500MB is not enough to kill it?

This computer will just about scrape all that together. But I can tell it's not happy. And one thing too much and it just flips me the bird and dies.

So I've been saving hard, and as a week today I can go shopping I've already been looking in shop windows annoying people with, "No i'm not buying today, but..."

Please help.

I really want some examples of new laptops that laugh in the face of what i've just put up there as my typical work load, and have a monitor out so I can twin screen, and have a great graphics card so I can play a game I used to play, and play Blu-Rays and have HDMI output and burn CDs. And last ages, so I can watch a movie on the plane and still have battery life for Facebook in MacDonalds before I see a power socket.
HDD is completely irrelevent to me. I don't keep movies, I've got about 60GB of pictures and music all my work is on a server computer which I network to all the time.
I don't think I'm asking too much.

Budget. I bet someone will want to know how much I can spend, but as I live in the Canaries, prices are so far removed from normal it's irrelevent. Just think cheapest. Cos either way I've got to buy it here (in Spanish) and get Windows converted to English before I can even start.

Thank you very much for your time and patience. I know this is a long email, and i'm just making it longer by keeping on writing. sorry. so:
What laptop please?
Must be able to have loads and loads open at once and still watch two youtube vids at same time while playing music and copy n pasting.
monitor out
nice bright screen (good in the sunlight)
plays 1080p HD. (guess that's just an option).

I'll let you know what I get if you let me know what to get! Thanks :clapping: