Vote Republican, the party whose members know an awful lot about war....

Name: George W. Bush (R-TX)
Born: 1946
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: You know when a guy walks away from a National Guard obligation during wartime and gets away with it, he must come from "a good family." Not that his daddy had anything to do with his getting a Guard slot in the first place - oh, no ...

Name: Richard "Dick" Cheney (R-WY)
Born: 1942
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Says he had "other priorities." You bet he had other priorities. Imagine how early in life you must begin scheming to get away with what this guy has. He was too busy thinking about Halliburton to go fight Charlie.

Name: Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)
Born: June 3, 1926
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: WWII
Notes: Nominated as a chickenhawk by a constituent, Roscoe Bartlett brings to his job on the House Armed Services committee a mind that’s unbiased and unprejudiced — though he had turned 18 by D-Day, when there was still plenty of opportunity to become a bona fide member of the Greatest Generation©, Roscoe let the war go by without putting on a uniform. We don’t know why; perhaps you could ask him.

Name: Rep. Charlie Bass (R-NH)
Born: January 8, 1952
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: When your old man's U.S. Representative Perkins Bass (2nd District, NH, 1955-1962), and your grandfather's Governor Robert T. Bass (NH, 1911-1913), chances are slim you'll ever get called "Private Bass," even if you are born in 1952.

Name: Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO)
Born: January 10, 1950
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: The Congressman from Missouri and House Majority Whip who’s so concerned about defending America that offered an amendment to the law creating the Homeland Security department that would have made it tougher to sell cigarettes over the ‘Net. It wouldn’t have helped the whole country, but the part of it that belongs to Phillip Morris would have benefited. Born just about the right time for Vietnam, somehow Blunt was at Southwest Baptist University when he could have been keeping the ‘Cong out of Chillicothe, MO.

Name: Gov. Jeb Bush (R-FL)
Born: 1953
Employer: Florida Taxpayers
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: When Jeb was younger he managed to avoid fighting for democracy in Vietnam. When his older brother's future job was on the line, though, he had no trouble fighting democracy.

Name: Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)
Born: 1943
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: There are chickenhawks, and then there are chickenhawks. Saxby Chambliss is a chickenhawk supreme. He got himself elected to the Senate by casting aspersions on the patriotism of the incumbent, Democrat Max Cleland. Cleland lost three limbs serving his country in Vietnam. Saxby Chambliss was unable to serve because of his bad knees, but somehow is able to totter along as a recreational runner.

Name: Rep. Tom "The Exterminator" DeLay (R-TX)
Born: April 8, 1947
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: One of our most-nominated chickenhawks, Mr. DeLay has said he wanted to serve in Vietnam, but was unable to since all the positions had been taken by blacks and hispanics. We suspect there might be someone in Iraq today who would be willing to trade places with Mr. DeLay ...

Name: Rep. Charles Gwynne Douglas, III (R-NH)
Born: Dec. 2, 1942
Employer: Was U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Not so notable for bellicosity, but he makes up for it with fervid Republican zeal. Graduated from UNH in 1965, when the draft was pretty strong, but went straight to BU Law. Got out of there in 1968, when it was even stronger. No problem - Ol’ Chuck was “admitted to the bar in 1968 and commenced practice in Manchester, N.H., 1970-1974,” according to an unimpeachable source. How’s he manage to avoid Vietnam? According to that same source,, the future Congressman (NH, 2nd District, 1989-1991) was a “[C]olonel, New Hampshire Army National Guard, 1968 to present.”

Name: Rep. Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (R-GA)
Born: June 17, 1943
Employer: Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: A virtuoso in the art of hypocrisy, the former Speaker of the House now claims the Vietnam War was a splendid idea, but at the time he opposed going himself. Newtie also speaks highly of morality, but as a serial adulterer he doesn’t want to get too close to it himself.

Name: Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH)
Born: February 14, 1947
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayeer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Another member of New Hampshire’s hereditary political aristocracy (see also: Charlie Bass and John Sununu) Judd’s daddy was Governor of New Hampshire from 1953 to 1955. Young Judd graduated from Columbia in ‘69 and apparently went straight to BU Law until the coast was clear. For good measure, he got written up for bad knees. They weren’t so bad he couldn’t spend half his term as Governor on the ski slopes.

Name: Rep. Dennis Hastert (R-IL)
Born: January 2, 1942
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Dennis wasn't able to serve in the Army in Vietnam because his knees weren't up to it. He did OK as a wrestler in college, though.

Name: Sen. Chester Trent Lott (R-MS)
Born: October 9, 1941
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: We're not sure why Trent didn't serve. Maybe he didn't think he'd look good in Army green. He was a cheerleader in college instead. Wonder how he looked in a cheerleader's uniform?

Name: Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK)
Born: December 6, 1948
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Another National Guard-type Republican. It must be noted that service in the Guard these days is vastly different from what it was in the Vietnam era. When Don went in in 1970, it was a safe slot. Thanks to guys like Don, that's no longer true.

Name: Sen. J. Danforth "Dan" Quayle (R-IN)
Born: February 4, 1947
Employer: "investment firm in Phoenix" - Dan Quayle Museum
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: The Indiana National Guard was a nice safe place for young Dan during the Vietnam era. Good thing he was from "a good family" - too good to waste their boy in a war.

Name: Gov. Marc Racicot (R-MT)
Born: July 24, 1948
Employer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Marc got a BA in 1970, and immediately took the grad school route. Once the war was safely over he went in the service as an Army lawyer. After his gig as governor was up, he got the top spot at the RNC, likely as a reward for helping W. grab Florida.

Name: Rep. Joseph "Joe" Scarborough (R-FL)
Born: April 9, 1963
Employer: MSNBC
Conflict Avoided: Desert Storm
Notes: A former Republican congresman (1995-2002) turned MSNBC motormouth, Joe qualifies as a politician and a barking head. Where were you during Desert Storm, pal?

Name: Gov. Meldrim "Mel" Thomson (R-Orford)
Born: March 8, 1929
Employer: His Daddy's Publishing Co, Inc.
Conflict Avoided: Korea
Notes: Meldrim Thomson, New Hampshire’s quintessential Goofy Governor, once sought to arm the state’s National Guard with nuclear weapons. Some thought he wanted nukes to blast the Clamshell Alliance out of the way, so his pals at PSNH could build the Seabrook nuclear power plant. You might think that such a notoriously bellicose individual, twenty-one years old when the Reds crossed the line in Korea, might have managed to get into the fight - but you would be wrong.

And a few religious right for you:

Name: Rev. Jerry Falwell
Born: 1933
Employer: Thomas Road Baptist Church
Conflict Avoided: Korea, Peacetime Draft
Notes: Jerry could probably have served in Korea - other kids his age did. He certainly could have been drafted into the peacetime Army. He called the members of his '70's cult the Moral Majority "soldiers of morality." For all his loathing of communism, it's a pity he didn't get to kill a few when he was young.

Name: Dr. Marion "Pat" Robertson
Born: 1930
Employer: Christian Broadcasting Network
Conflict Avoided: Korea
Notes: Dr. Pat claimed in his biography to have "seen combat in Korea. He was in Korea in uniform briefly, but his daddy the Congressman got his reassigned to Japan. His picture belongs in the dictionary next to "pious fraud." Just recently declared that the State Department ought to get nuked, but has yet to be indicted for uttering a terrorist statement.

Can you trust your country to these people? All of whom are far better at sending other to die than they are at going themselves. I partuclularly like Saxby Chambliss. His opponent lost three limbs in Vietnam. Chambliss ran pictures of his face with that of Saddam Hussein and compared them. The draft-dodging piece of trash actually had the balls to do that, and he won. Makes you wonder....