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Thread: What to say to a telemarketer

  1. #1
    Senior Member kickstart 1's Avatar
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    What to say to a telemarketer

    Sorry i cant take the credit for this , but i found it really funny!


    If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you sure could use some money.

    If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.

    If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

    Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    If MCI or AT&T calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family & Friends Plan, reply in as sinister a voice as you can. "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend?"

    If the company cleans carpets, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him / her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

    Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh my God!" Then hang up.

    Tell the telemarketer that you are busy at the moment and ask them to give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When they explain that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.

    Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    Tell the telemarketer you are "grounded" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "C'mon Leon, cut it out! Seriously Leon, how's your mom?"

    If they are selling magazines, ask them if they come in Braille.

    Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD DOWN.

  2. #2
    TiG
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    I've always found telling them "can i record this conversation" really makes the conversation very hard for them

    TiG

  3. #3
    Mike Fishcake
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    I'm not sure how true this is (though i'm sure it's possible) but I heard a story about someone who likes to find out the phone numbers of telemarketing firms, and give them to other telemarketing firms as an 'alternative number', so they just end up phoning each other

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    My favourite is :-

    "Hold on, you need my Dad, not me. I'll call him".

    I then call "DAAAADDDDD" .....

    ..... and wait, putting the phone down on the table.

    Every few minutes, I pick it up and say "he's just coming" or "won't be a moment".





    Of course, if he did actually come and answer the phone, nobody would get a bigger shock than me - he died about 15 years ago.

  5. #5
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
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    Was just thinking the same thing about my dad...

    Just had a thought though, another good one would be to only answer in movie quotes "Luke, I am your father", "That's no moon!", "Ya all clear kid!" etc etc.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dareos View Post
    "OH OOOOHH oOOHHHHHHHOOHHHHHHH FILL ME WITH YOUR.... eeww not the stuff from the lab"

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    HEXUS.social member finlay666's Avatar
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    I can't repeat what I said to the last company.....they were calloing me daily as soon as I finished work, local number but I couldnt call it back

    "Hi it's Chris from XXXXXXX"
    "[expletitive deleted] you, you [expletitive deleted] [expletitive deleted] [expletitive deleted]"
    *hang up*

    Though the guy that got the caller to be a suspect as a practical joke was a laugh
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    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    I breath slowly....getting faster..and then howl.

    I think I've done that a lot recently. Either the phone calls are more regular,or the late nights are showing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

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    Huge Member Brucelles's Avatar
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    My dad says "I just peed myself again." waits a few seconds, then "I need a pooh too." <makes grunting noises for a few seconds then sighs happily> Then "I'm going now." <hang up>

    (Thanks Evilmunky)
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    . bledd's Avatar
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    do monkey noises, and don't stop until they hang up!

  10. #10
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    I think this is the best way to deal with them.

    http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/


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    Almost in control. autopilot's Avatar
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    Tis funny

    However, i tend to be straight to the point and say sorry, not interested but good luck. Sometimes i even listen to them to give them a break from the abuse. The thing is I have been there myself, it's horrible. It's down there with emptying bins and flipping burgers. You get treated like crap by 99% of people you call, and even crapper by the nasty employers that pay you nothing and set impossible targets before firing you anyway. Sorry, i don't mean to be a kill joy or goody goody. But it's not a nice place to be, the people who get the most crap in this type of job are usually far removed from the real sods who actually deserve it. Try and have a little sympathy, people who have to take jobs like this are usually in a desperate position and could probably do with a break. Just some poor skint dude struggling to pay the rent, they dont want to hassle people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by autopilot View Post
    Tis funny

    However, i tend to be straight to the point and say sorry, not interested but good luck. Sometimes i even listen to them to give them a break from the abuse. The thing is I have been there myself, it's horrible.
    I have to agree. Its just not nice getting abused for 8 hours of the day :-(

    Get TPS people!

    Plus, after about an hour on the job my coworkers showed me exactly why you should be nice to people who know your name, phone number, and probably your address...

    Sam
    "bother", said Pooh. "There's an infinite number of monkeys at the door wanting to sue A.A.Milne for plagiarism."

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    There are some pretty awful jobs around, I do feel sorry for the telesales people, but it is so frustrating to get so many interuptions as well.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by autopilot View Post
    ..... Try and have a little sympathy, people who have to take jobs like this are usually in a desperate position and could probably do with a break. Just some poor skint dude struggling to pay the rent, they dont want to hassle people.
    Sorry, but no way.

    It's simple - they leave me alone and I'll leave them alone.

    But they CHOOSE to ring me - I don't ring them. I'm ex-directory, my personal phone numbers are on the TPS and yet some of these telemarketeers still ring me.

    They might not want to hassle people, but they do it anyway. All I want them to do is leave me alone. I want them to respect my peace and quiet, and not to ring me, usually at the most inconvenient moment, like right in the middle of my dinner. I asked one such caller why they always call when I'm having dinner, and his answer was "because that's the best time to catch people in"! That mindset is precisely why I will be as unpleasant as I possibly can.

    I do not under any circumstances want telemarketing calls at my home. I don't care who the company is, or what the offer is. I don't want to hear about it. That's why I go the the inconvenience of an ex-directory number, and why I have registered with the TPS, and why I have given companies I do regularly deal with (power utilities, phone provider, etc) written instructions that they are not to contact me for marketing purposes .

    Yet some telemarketeers (fortunately, relatively few these days) STILL contact me, despite the fact that if they are in the UK or representing UK companies, it's illegal to do so.

    So no, I absolutely will not "have a little sympathy". All anyone has to do to avoid getting the rough end of my temper is to not pester me on the phone. In the meantime, the more of their time I can waste, the better I like it. I view it as a social service, preventing them during that time from pestering other people that merely want some peace and quiet at home after a hard day at work, not pestering calls from these selfish leaches that pester people DESPITE it being illegal and unwanted.

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    DILLIGAF GoNz0's Avatar
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    i am ex-dir and on the TPS list, so if one ever does get through to me they get the sharp end of the stick..

    i can never stress enough what a wonderfull service the telephone prefrence service provide to stopping spam phone calls !

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    Drop it like it's hot Howard's Avatar
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    I must say before I registered on the TPS we were getting a fair few telemarketing calls, but since doing so we rarely get any, touch wood.
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