Instead of needing to be charged into a special plug for four hours to recharge completely, the iPad 3 will be powered by an included diesel-powered rotary engine.
The next iPad will come in three color options: white, black and the new, completely invisible, $3,000 Emperor Edition.
In addition to touch, gravity and direction, the new iPad will be able to detect the inevitable loss of passion and idealism that comes with the accumulation of wisdom.
The iPad 3 will feature birds that are 28 percent angrier.
The iPad 3 will feature birds that are 28 percent angrier.
The latest edition of iOS will incorporate CloudGuard, a service that will protect your data by issuing a defensive press release any time someone steals it.
You will no longer have to move the iPad in a figure-eight motion to calibrate its compass. Instead, you will have to sing “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” at the top of your lungs.
The next iPad will be 3 mm thinner, and consequently make your penis 3 mm bigger.
Before the iPad 3 goes on sale, Apple will release the iPad 2.5, a device designed specifically to use while waiting in line to buy the iPad 3 the first day it’s out.
The new improved spell-check feature will just assume that you’re pretty much always trying to spell “orchidectomy.”
The iPad 3 will constantly monitor news feeds and, when the iPad 4 comes out, will pack itself a tiny little bindle on a stick, put on a tiny little top hat with a torn lid, and walk off into the sunset humming a jaunty little tune.
You will be able to leave the iPad 3 on when your airplane is taking off and landing without making the plane crash.
When flung, the iPad 3 will disarm all your enemies, then fly neatly back to your waiting hand.
The iPad 3 will completely fill the void of lonely emptiness in your heart for about 20 minutes
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