A duck walks into a pub...

[OV3RCLOCK3R]

Stolen from AVForums

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham Sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'. 'I see your eyes
are working', replies the duck. 'And you talk!' exclaims the barman. 'I
see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer and my
sandwich please?'

'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'.

'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him 'You're with the
circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your
circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.

'Sounds marvellous', says the ringleader, 'get him to give me a call'.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!'

'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'

'At the circus', says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right', replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes' says the barman.

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of Course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.




















The duck looks confused for a moment...'What would the circus want with
a plasterer?

[Stewart]

[pauldarkside]

Early Camelbak systems were more trouble than they were worth.

[Howard]

[Stringent]

LOL! like it.

[JIM_BOB7813]

What's a schooner of beer?

O_o

[directhex]

What's a schooner of beer?

O_o

?

[TeePee]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
They start drinking and the giraffe passes out on the floor.
The man gets up to leave.
The barman says 'You can't leave that lying there!'
The man replies 'That's not a lion, it's a giraffe.'


Drunken animal jokes are always hilarious.


Really.

[99Flake]

What's a schooner of beer?

O_o

Australian measure, roughly two thirds of a pint. Completely irritating to drink.

[Stringent]

Two opticians walk into a bar. You would have thought one of them would have seen it!



Yes old.

[Gerschwin]

[mike_w]

Also shamelessly stolen...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

He says, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[tiggerai]

Also shamelessly stolen...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

He says, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I would say that's grounds for divorce.

[badass]

Also shamelessly stolen...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

He says, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Roffle