I'm surprised you would rank them so. I lumped "ignorant and dimwitted xenophobic bigots" all together - i.e. if you can tick all those boxes then the Tories are definitely for you - but even separating them out I reckon it's:
Ignorant and/or dimwitted:
=1. Conservative
=1. Labour
3. Lib Dem (those goddamned elitists)
Xenophobic and bigoted:
1. Conservative (just read the Daily Mail, or for that matter, The Sun)
(DNF) Labour (the party of political correctness gone maaaaaad after all)
(DNF) Lib Dem (pro-Europe and socially liberal. Fancy that!)
Tories aren't going to cut our taxes either. For me, civil liberties are the most important issue in UK politics right now. But in any case, if you can find space to slip a cigarette paper between 'neo-Thatcherite centrist' Labour and 'neo-centrist Thatcherite' Tories on anything other than petty gesture politics (cutting MP's salary and the like), then Cameron and/or Mandelson would love to hear from you.
Nah, you're thinking of religion (and in terms of pandering to the religious minority it's again Tory in front by a country mile, followed doggedly by Labour).
The other mistake is confusing Labour with Socialists, and presumably Nazis specifically. If you want to match Labour to a system of German government, the GDR (complete with Stasi) is a much better fit. The Tories get to be the Nazis, or more accurately the Waffen SS, because their EU coalition buddies spend their weekends commemorating those glory days.
I'm voting for Kodos