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It was originally only going to be one joke, but I couldn't resist putting them on...
A drunk stumbles out of a pub and notices a man selling tortoises for £10 each. The drunk buys one and walks away. Ten minutes later, the drunk returns, buys another tortoise, and wanders off again. Upon his third visit, the drunk says, "I know they're expensive, but I sure love your crunchy pies!"
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A motorcyclist offers his friend a lift. With them both on the bike, the motorcyclist says, "You may want to put your coat on the other way round, as it's quite windy and we'll be going quite fast." So the friend took the motorcyclist's advice and turned the coat back to front.
After going across some bumpy ground, the motorcyclist turned roundto see his friend had fallen off. He drove back when he found a crowd of people around a fallen body.
"Is he alright?" enquired the motorcyclist.
"Well," began one of the crowd, "He was before we turned his head the right way round."
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A man left for a holiday to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he has written her e-mail address, he did his best from memory.
Unforunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed into the rrom and saw on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was told that only one in three people were allowed into heaven today. So the deciding factor would be who died the worst death. St. Peter had three men lined up and asked the first man, "How did you die?"
He replied, "For quite a while, I thought my wife had been sleeping with someone else. So when I came home early from work one day, I went into our room on the 25th floor hotel we were staying at, and searched the apartment while my wife was in the shower. I couldn't find anyone, so I gave up and went onto the balcony. Then I saw some fingertips and it turned out to be a man! So I started stamping on his fingers, but he wouldn't fall, so I got a hammer and crushed them. He fell down, and I assumed he was dead. But when I looked down, he had fallen down into the bushes. So I dragged the really heavy fridge out onto the balcony and dropped on him. Then I felt so guilty I committed suicide."
St. Peter nodded and asked the question to the second man.
He said, "I just got a book on new exercises, so I decided to try them out on the balcony of my apartment on the 27th floor of my hotel, since it was nice day. However, I lost my balnce and fell off. Fortunately I managed to grab onto another balcony a couple of floors down. Then this guy came out, so I though, "Good, someone to help me."But then he started to jump up and down on my feet. He looked really mad! Anyway, he went back inside, so I tried to get up, but then he came back with hammer, and I couldn't hold on anymore. I thought I was going to die when I landed in some bushes. "Great," I thought, "Another bit of luck." It didn't last long. Just before I died I saw a fridge coming down."
St Peter nodded and asked the question to the third and final man.
He answered, "Imagine this. You've just slept with some guy's wife, and you're hiding naked, in a fridge..."
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nice one 
