Poor joke...

[Nick]

The indians have surrounded the fort and are preparing an attack. The indian chief calls up his generals and asks them what thye think they should do. As he is doing this, the best tracker in the tribe rushes up. "Stop,", he yells, "I think they're going to come out and charge us!"

All the indians troop down to the road in front of the fort and ask the tracker if he can give them anymore information. The tracker puts his ear to the ground...

"Yep, they've got 60-70 mounted cavalry, most of them have rifles"

The chief tries not to look impressed at this amazing feat and asks if the tracker can tell anything else.

With his ear back to the ground the tracker says "Ooh, hang on... there's another 40 or so with pistols"

The chief is gobsmacked at the detail and asks for more.

The tracker bends down again, ear to the floor. "Uh-oh... they've got a couple of cannon as well... they're loading them with grapeshot as we speak... then they've gathered maybe 200 troops most of them armed with swords but a quite a few have pistols... the new revolver types..."

On this information the chief pulls his braves back and hides while the calvalry charges out of the fort. As they pass by the chief is amazed to see that everything the tracker said was true.

He summons the tracker to his teepee that night and tells him that he is giving the tracker his daughter to marry, he was being made part of the chief's family and would one day be chief himself, with wealth and riches and prosperity. All because the tracker's incredible hearing had saved many indian braves' lives.

"My hearing?", says the tracker, "I was just looking under the gate!"

[shiato storm]

the mark of a true hero......dumb thing to come clean about it though!!

[Nick]

A golf club walks into a bar and orders a pint.

The barman serves him and the club orders another.

The barman refuses to serve him again. "Why not?", ask the golf club.

"Cos you've got to drive later."

[klarrix]

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?










Depends on how hard you throw them

[Honoop]

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?










Depends on how hard you throw them

ROFL!!!

Oh thats wicked - but hilarious!!

[megah0]

Paddy and Murphy are having a quiet pint in their local pub when a bloke bursts in through the door carrying what has to be the biggest fish they have ever seen.

The landlord comes over to inspect the fish and offers the man £200 there and then for it, Paddy nudges Murphy “Did ya see that Murphy, if we could catch fish like that we could make ourselves a fortune so we could!”

So they wait a while before approaching the lucky fisherman. “So Pat” says Paddy “how did you catch that whopper?”

“Well, what I did was hang over the edge of the bridge with my hands in the water, and I waited, and waited until eventually he was close enough and I flung him on the bank and came straight here.”

Well Paddy and Murphy decided that sounded easy enough so off they went to the nearest bridge, Paddy hung over the edge whilst Murphy hung onto his ankles.

An hour passed…..nothing

Two hours went by…..still nothing

Finally after four hours Paddy yells “Murphy, quick for the love of God almighty pull me up!”

Murphy shouts “Sweet lord have ye got a fish Paddy?!”

“NO theres a feckin train coming!”

[Nick]

Two women were arguing over which was the smartest dog, a pedigree bred dog or a mongrel.

The woman with the pedigree dog said, "My dog is obviously more intelligent. Each morning he brings me my slippers, then fetches the post and newspaper when it arrives. Then when it's time for a walk he fetches his lead and waits by the door...." and she rambles on for ten minutes about how amazing her dog is.
When she has finished, she notices how bored her friend looks, "What's the matter?", she asks, "Fed up listening to how clever my dog is?"

"A little", replies the other woman, "I've heard it all before".

"How?"

"My dog told me."

[Tumble]

methinks mgh0 has taken a funny pill or 2 this last week...

[megah0]

oh I have many many jokes like that, just never really get a chance to post them up

How do blind bungee jumpers know when they have reached the bottom?


The leash goes slack

[megah0]

What do suicidal seals drink?

A canadian club on the rocks

-----------------------------

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

7 fish on unicycles

[Nick]

A man walks into a doctors wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts made from clingfilm.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.".

[Nick]

How many folksingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

8

1 to change the bulb and 7 to harmonize about how good the old one was.

[megah0]

Paddy and Murphy walk past a sawmill, Paddy points up to a big sign and says "Look Murphy they have jobs on offer"

Murphy looks at Paddy and says "Can you not read? It says tree fellers wanted and theres only the two of us!"

[mike_w]

A politician, field marshal and surgeon are arguing over what the oldest job in the world is.

The surgeon says, "In the Bible it says that Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs, and only a brilliant surgeon could do that"

The field marshal says, "That may be, but it also says in the Bible that order was made out of chaos, and only a soldier of the highest order could do that"

The politician says, "Aha! Who do you think created the chaos!"

[megah0]

Blatently copied from another forum but it made me smile

Hunting Elephants


MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least
one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate
exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual
elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands
and knees.

HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or
minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

TECH WRITERS let the engineers catch elephants, and write detailed,
step-by-step elephant care instructions that no one ever reads.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look
and feel of one dropping.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season
opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

[Honoop]

Why dont Oysters give to charity?









Because they're shellfish!!