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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every
country, son."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it...once!
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
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One for the ladies !
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the trousers in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your f..king attitude changes!"
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Originally Posted by ACiD303
lazy bastard 
