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Haven't posted any of my admittedly poor jokes in a while so...
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
One day, a field marshal, a politician and a surgeon are arguing over who's got the oldest job in the world.
The surgeon says: "In the Bible, it says that Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Only a brilliant surgeon could do that!"
"Aha!" says the Field Marshal. "But it also says that before Adam was made, order was made out of chaos, and only a soldier of the highest order could do that!"
"Aha!" says the politician. "But who do you think created the chaos to be sorted out?"
I'll get me goat.
Edit: And yet another:
Bob was well known as a miserly old man, and rarely spent any of his money unless he absolutely had to. However, one day his local pub was holding a raffle, and first prize was a huge yacht. When watching a young woman with a particularly short skirt play snooker, he noticed that she had the number 6 tatooed on each buttock. Taking this as a sure sign, he quickly ran over to the bartender asking if ticket 66 had been sold yet. It hadn't, so he promptly bought it.
Later on in the day, Bob realised he'd missed the results of the raffle been called out. He went to the bartender and asked, "Did the winning number have a six in it?"
The bartender replied, "It did."
Bob then asked, "Did it have two sixes in it?"
The bartender replied, "Yes."
By this point Bob was getting excited at the thought of his brand new yacht. He nervously asked, "Was the winning ticket 66?"
The bartender replied, "Not quite I'm afraid. It was 606."
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Originally Posted by mike_w
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