So, you want to date my daughter, do ya?

[Zak33]

10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
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Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
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Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
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Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
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Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
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Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
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Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
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Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
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Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
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Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

[r1zeek]

you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Thats good Zak, where'd you get it or are those your rules?

[Iain]

Those are now the tem commandments for any male friend my daughter makes. Naturally she's going in the convent at age 15, but those rules apply when she gets out at age 30

[IBM]

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

ROFLMAO

My daughter is only 4 months old, but I'm already having nightmares about her dating....fortunately I'll probably be living in the States by then, where I can legally own a nice 12 guage shotgun. I'll also have a porch, and a rocking chair, where I will sit, threateningly, waiting for any prospective suitors to make the mistake of trying to come anywhere near my daughter.

My wife has one of those 'Father to Daughter' books which tell you how to raise a confident daughter. One of them said 'Keep your daughters secrets. When she's older, this will help her to trust men.'

SAY WHAT!!??

Why the hell do I want my daughter to trust men!!!??? Come on, admit it, we're all b*stards, and to a man only have one thing on our minds. Just one of those slavering little bags of testosterone come near my little angel, and I'm going to take up limb amputation as a hobby.....

I didn't sign up for this. I'm a mess. Nobody warned me of the emmotional investment you're making with children. I thought it'd be nice to have someone to wash the dishes and take out the trash....

[Iain]

don't forget cleaning the car ibm. My daughter's 11 months old so I'll be bald before you

[megah0]

LMAO Zak, nice find.

Someone once said that "daughters are gods curse on men"

Think from reading the replies I might agree

[Zak33]

for those who know me well, I have only 2 daughters...one is a Jack Russell and one is a Cross Breed stupid dog...either way, both are K9

Neither are in any real danger from boyfriends....but funny emails like that one need sharing

[M@rco]

Haha great stuff, had me chuckling for ages , cheers Zak!!

[CrapshoT]

Nice.!! Better print a few of those off and hand them out to my 2 daughters boyfriends.Cut's out all the small talk and crap.Nothing like being blunt and letting them know where they stand.

[Allen]

ROFL, are you guys serious??

[Howard]

AHH HAH HA

Hexus is full of quality threads today

[CrapshoT]

ROFL, are you guys serious??

Are you brave enough to find out? lol.Anyway I'd have to fight past their Mother and their Grandmother first to get to the boyfriend.

[Allen]

Are you brave enough to find out?

Depends... How old are your daughters?

[CrapshoT]

Depends... How old are your daughters?

One is 15 tomorrow and the other is 16 next month.So too bloody young !!!!

[0iD]

I have 4 :/ but luckily the eldest is only 12 (last Fri) so I got a lil bit of breathing space. However I've told the eldest two my #1 rule, that is... "You can't have a boyfriend I can't intimidate!"

[Shogun]

I have 4 :/ but luckily the eldest is only 12 (last Fri) so I got a lil bit of breathing space. However I've told the eldest two my #1 rule, that is... "You can't have a boyfriend I can't intimidate!"

So no-one over 5ft and 4 stone?