Monty Pyton Lines

[Knoxville]

King of Swamp Castle - This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.

[petrefax]

BRIAN: "are you the judean peoples front?"
REG: "f**k off! we're the peoples front of judea!...judean peoples front, pfft!"

or...


GRIM REAPER: Shut up! Shut up American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!

[Nick]

Romans going home?!!!

Conjugate the verb 'to go'!

[megah0]

usher : "Albatross, Albatross"

customer: "how much?"

usher : "Sixpence"

customer: "What flavour is it?"

usher: "Sea bird"

Customer: "I'll take two"

[Slick]

All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?

[Ravens Nest]

"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!He's f**kin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!"

[Trash Man]

TIM: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul,
cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's
a killer!
???: Get stuffed!
TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
???: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You monkey's scot's get!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the
bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin'
right up!

[Nick]

First Yorkshireman: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of freezing cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day at t' mill, and pay mill owner for working there, and when we got home, our Dad would murder us in cold blood, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah!"

2nd Yorkshireman: Aye, and if you try and tell that to the kids of today, they just won't believe ya'.

[deanjamin]

PONTIUS PILATE: ...Make one large living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar.
PILATE: Hail.
CENTURION: Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE: Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION: What, sir?
PILATE: Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION: Ah.
[whump]
BRIAN: Aagh!
PILATE: Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN: 'Brian', sir.
PILATE: 'Bwian', eh?
BRIAN: No, no. 'Brian'.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE: Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION: Has what, sir?
PILATE: Spiwit.
CENTURION: Yes. He did, sir.
PILATE: No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION: Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
PILATE: So, you dare to waid us.
BRIAN: To what, sir?
PILATE: Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
[slap]
BRIAN: Aaah!
CENTURION: Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE: What?
CENTURION: Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
BRIAN: Aah!
[whump]
PILATE: Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN: I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
PILATE: A Woman?
BRIAN: No, no. Roman.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE: So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN: He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
PILATE: Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN: 'Nortius Maximus'.
CENTURION: Ahh, ha ha!
PILATE: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION: Well, no, sir.
PILATE: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
PILATE: What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
CENTURION: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
PILATE: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[chuckling]
PILATE: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
BRIAN: Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Aaah! Eh.
PILATE: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
[chuckling]
PILATE: Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION: Oh, sir, he-- he only--
PILATE: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
CENTURION: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
PILATE: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[chuckling]
PILATE: ...Dickus?
[chuckling]
PILATE: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
[chuckle]
PILATE: ...'Dickus'?
[chuckling]
PILATE: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
GUARDS:
[laughing]
PILATE: Stop! What is all this?
GUARDS: Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...
PILATE: I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!

[nichomach]

"Ooooooohhhh, Iiiiiiiiiimmanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel."