The Best of Red Dwarf

[Galant]

Ah take me back to the land of SMEG! Magnificently funny stuff.

For a little comedy nostalgia post your favourite - best of the best - Red Dwarf quotes and scenes. You'll find a few websites able to help with online scripts etc.

Since there's so much to draw from, try and keep it down to the absolute best.

To kick things off right from the beginning:

#1_1 >From `The End':
"Holly: Well, she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now -- not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with."


and towards the end, Season 7 Episode 2 - Stoke me a Kipper

CAT
"Ace, buddy! How're you doin'?"

ACE
"All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're
wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have
been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into
someone's eye."

[Stoo]

I'm *very* tempted to buy the boxed set

[Skii]

Rimmer directive 271

'No chance you metal bastard'

[mike_w]

Can't really think of many specific quotes at this point in time, but:

Series 2, Kryten

Rimmer: "They are dead, they're all dead!"

Kryten: "My God! I was only away two minutes!"

Also from Series 2, Queeg - just a classic episode.

[Stoo]

"Would you like some toast?"

[mike_w]

Lister: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. NO TOAST.

Talkie Toaster: How 'bout a muffin?

Lister: OR muffins! OR muffins! We don't LIKE muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and DEFINITELY no smegging flapjacks!

Talkie Toaster: Aah, so you're a waffle man!

[Tumble]

ahh Talkie toaster.. the epitome of annoyance

[Galant]

Bit of a long one, but towards the end of 'Polymorph', the four main characters have had a negative emotion sucked out:


[Later, all are gathered in the sleeping quarters.]

[Cat sits on the floor, drinking out of the bottle. Most of the drink spills
down his shirt, but it blends in with previous stains.]

Cat: Where is it now?

Holly: It's gone back down to the cargo bays, sleeping off a four-course
meal of fear, vanity, guilt and anger. You'd better get it before
it comes back for seconds.

[Rimmer is wearing a T-shirt which reads, "GIVE QUICHE A CHANCE." He also
wears shorts and a wristwatch, and is smoking a pipe. His face sports a
goatee and black spectacles. He speaks with a lot of hand movements,
fingers together, outstretched.]

Rimmer: Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine
that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person.
What we've got to do is get it round a table, and put together
a solution package -- perhaps over tea and biscuits.

Kryten: (in Lister's bunk) Look at him! You can't trust his opinion --
he's got no anger. He's a total dork!

Rimmer: Good point, Kryten. Let's take that on board, shall we? Erm, David?
David, do you have anything you want to bring to this forum?

Lister: (carrying a bazookoid on his shoulder and holding the baseball bat)
Well, yes, I have, actually, Arnold. Why don't we go down to the
ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one
to my head? I'll nuke the smegger to oblivion! (butts his head)

Rimmer: Right, well, that's very nice, David. Let's put that on the back
burner, shall we? Erm, Cat, let's have your contribution ...
come on.

Cat: Hey, don't ask me my opinion -- I'm nobody. Just pretend I'm not here.

Rimmer: That's lovely. Thank you very much. Erm, moving on a step -- and
I hope no-one thinks that I'm setting myself up as a self-elected
chairperson ... just see me as a facilitator -- erm, Kryten, what's
your view? Don't be shy.

Kryten: Well, I think we should send Lister in as a decoy, and, while it's
busy eating him alive, we could creep up on it unawares and blast
it into the stratosphere.

Lister: Good plan! That's the best plan yet! Let it get knackered eating
me to death, then you guys could just, like, catch it unawares!

Rimmer: Well, that's certainly an option, David, yes. Erm, but here's
my proposal: Let's get tough. The time for talking is over.
Call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and
hit it fast with a major -- and I mean >major< -- leaflet campaign,
and while it's reeling from that, we'd follow up with a [whist?]
drive, a car boot sale, some street theatre and possibly even some
benefit concerts. OK? Now, if that's not enough, I'm sorry, it's
time for the T-shirts: "Mutants Out" ... "Chameleonic Life Forms,
No Thanks" ... and if that's not enough, well, I don't know what
will be.

[Knoxville]

Ketchup with lobster!?

[Whalefish]

Dwayne Dibley!!!!

[Spunkey]

i say we got out there and rubbishrubbishrubbishrubbish IT

[EvilMunky]

C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S

Coalition for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society

[Zedmeister]

Cat:
Have you ever heard of an animal called the Iranian jurd? It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
Lister:
So?
Cat:
That's me in slow-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!

[ajbrun]

I'm *very* tempted to buy the boxed set

Me too. I occasionally have an episode where I will nearly buy it, but then I decided not to. There's nothing really stopping me, I'm just not sure when I'll watch them all, and how often....

[EvilMunky]

hmm wonder if tescos dvd rental have them.....