JOTD - post your jokes here ppl!

[Brucelles]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

[Behemoth]

I haven't heard that one for some years

Here's one, if it's considered too rude then please delete iit.

A couple in their 50's are going down memory lane going back to the places they spent a lot of time together when they were first seeing one another. They end up in a field that they shared several passionate love making sessions in.

"Do you remember the times we had here?" The wife asked with a smile
"Yes, I do" replied the husband smiling back
"Well then, care to relive the experience?"

Without thinking twice the husband grabs his wife and they start having some very wild sex, she flips him over and pushes him against the fence. The husband starts going nuts and bucking and shaking everywhere

"You weren't this wild 22 years ago" The wife screams
"22 years ago, this electric fence wasn't here !"

[Brucelles]

I haven't heard that one for some years

Well, this is a reanimated thread.

[RIX]

Girlfriends are like jobs, don't leave them until you find a new one.

[GoNz0]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her little arms, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[pauldarkside]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and tell about the afterlife. Husband died first and made contact.

"Gladys?"

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back to tell you what it's like. I have sex, then breakfast, then off to the golf course, then more sex. I sunbathe, then have sex again. Lunch, romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. Then supper and more sex."

"Oh Fred, you must be in heaven!"

"No, I'm an f'ing rabbit in Norfolk!"

[handscombmp]

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you



At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.


Rules of the air

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.


2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.


3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.


4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.


5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.



6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot starts sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.


8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.


9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.



10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.


11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

12a. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.


14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.


15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.


17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.


18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.


19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.


20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.


21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.


22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.


23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.


24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.


25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.

[KIAEddZ]

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “Jake” she said.

“Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don 't talk.”

But she insisted, “Jake,” she said in her tired voice, “I have to talk. I must confess.”

“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake, “it' s all right. Everything' s all right.”

“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.”

Jake stroked her hand.

“Now, Becky, don' t be concerned, I know all about it,” he sobbed.

huh?

[finlay666]

If you are out camping and an attractive young lady in the same camp site tells you as it's so hot she'll be sleeping with her flaps open, It's not an invitation for casual sex.

My court date is next monday

[0iD]

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!!

[chuckskull]

Holy thread revival Batman!

What's the difference between Madeline Mccan and the Icelandic volcano?

Madeline Mccan only ruined one holiday