Can you guys help me with my Personal Statement?

[Hans Voralberg]

How about an honest one?


Send that in and watch Oxford and Cambridge cat fight over you... honest!

So true , although Oxford and Cambridge have males too But you might be banned from uni for eternity

[pak000]

Well the quote was put in as I was told that the guys that read them have the same old "My ambition is..." and he said I should put in a quote to make a change and make it stand out more. Shall I replace it with another quote? If so are there any reccomendations?

No just get rid of it

pak000- I just order people about and act like the captain, it is kind of like a kickabout after school. But I was thinking- Team Captain= Mangerial skills/Responsible within a group.

Not managerial skills, it would better to say something like "I am the team captain which has given me experience of working with a team and leading it"

I wrote diversify portifolio from an advert I saw, my tutor said it was fine. I should replace it with- "hold other jobs to gain experience in a wide variety of areas/fields.
"

Don't use a / in your personal statement - paraphrase my suggestions otherwise you will end up sounding like me (or anyone else you take direct quotes from) and not yourself



[edit]
This entire thing has given me a thought - maybe when I'm reading personal statements, I should google them and return the original and the advice from friends :>
[/edit]

[Noni]

Hi guys, just looking at your comments and what my teachers have said, its conflicting and I dont know what to do lol.

You guys really think the quote is cheesy ! My teacher liked it, but what can I replace it with thats not "My ambition is..." or "Since I was a kid...".




“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars”-Les Brown. I always try to aim high and be one step ahead of the competition, and the quote from Les Brown inspires me to get the best out of myself and my education. I have chosen the Business forum of which I am looking to broaden my knowledge and understanding. Apart from my personal interest in business, my studies at GCSE resulted in a grade of which I am proud. Family members are self employed enabling me to use their life experiences to have a better understanding of what is expected of me in the Business world.

In the Sixth Form I studied Art, Law and Media. I enjoy my subjects thoroughly and found all of them fascinating. In my free time I also enjoyed sports, such as football, tennis, golf and swimming. I play snooker and pool locally and I enjoy hobbies such as digital work on computers. Sport is essential to a healthy and active lifestyle and it also helps me socialise, I take part in football matches in my free time and this exercises my teamwork skills since I am the team captain.

Is that alright now?

Art has enabled me to express my creative side, this helps keep my ideas flowing and expands my mind. The same can be said for Media, I find media an interesting subject and this has taught me to think “outside the box”. I have also realised that I should “never judge a book by its cover”. Law not only shows history from past events, it enables me to keep up-to date with current affairs and I am regularly reading newspapers to accomplish this. I have attended criminal cases at my local Magistrates court and I find this is essential to challenge my understanding of Law and also expand my knowledge.

Within the Sixth Form I have displayed some of my art work to local MP’s and also at my local library; both parties were impressed with the work I showcased. I have also taken part in organising some events for the school including a leaving party. These experiences were important as they taught me about being responsible for my actions within a group and made me realise the importance of meeting deadlines.

I have gained valuable work experience at Holland and Barretts. This was a busy store in the middle of my town centre and provided knowledge of how to work under pressure. I have also had some experience at a family members store as a sales assistant and I am currently looking for further employment. I like adapting to different working environments to diversify my portfolio.

These experiences are very valuable to me and show I am a committed individual. I find it important to exercise my mind and this enables me to give my full attention to the task at hand. From my studies within Media I learnt to look at the problem from all angles, so I do not have a biased opinion. New ideas are critical within the market place and I would like to explore the business world so I can apply my ideas effectively.

Do I need that paragraph? It doesnt say much lol.

Gaining a place at your university will both give me the opportunity to become successful in life, and give me experiences which I know I will find extremely useful. I have the motivation to become a successful business student and I have the qualities of a quick learner. I hope I can use these skills within a course at your university.

Again guys thanks for the help!

[dave87]

GET RID OF THE QUOTE. ITS NOT GOING TO DO YOU ANY FAVOURS!

Right, now thats sorted, second bit in red - don't tell them what to think (and show I am a committed individual) rather - I've found these experiences to be valuable, and have helped develop....(fill the rest in)

Dave

[alterion]

the quote sucks- I went to the LSE open day and they said there that this was the thing that pissied them off about personal statements more than anything else. Secondly is this not meant to be 4000 characters- mine was and it looks like you've got another thousand or so to play with, seeing as your trying to sell yourself I would use em if possible. Secondly In mine I focused mostly on my chosen subject and why it interested me- you do that but i would flesh it out a bit more.
Your work experience- the bit about further employment ect isn't needed. when the university gets your UCAS form it will already have your employment details on it from the relevant section of the site. Instead just keep the bit about holand and barret that makes you look good. I think its on track but just needs fleshing out with those extra 1000 characters.
I've posted mine below to give you a comparison of styles- i don't think it was great and its for a different subject, but who knows it might help :

"I hope to study law at University as it will be both of great academic interest to me and provide a wide variety of career options. As a subject law provides both fascinating intellectual and moral challenges that are directly relevant to the world around us and an understanding of the Law and its philosophy is of direct interest to me. My desire to study Law has been confirmed by reading introductory material such as Understanding Law by J Adams and R Brownsword and How to Study Law by A Bradney. This material has given me an overview of Law at university level and has provided me with a valuable insight into the discipline.
I am currently studying subjects across the spectrum of arts and sciences. These subjects provide me with both the analytical and logical skills required to succeed in a personal study environment as well the clear written technique and critical evaluation required in a primarily essay based subject such as Law. I feel this is reinforced by the strong grade I gained (110/120) on my AS historical document analysis paper that features a similar skill set to that which I understand is required in a law degree. My strong grades at GCSE level show that I have the capability to adapt to a wide range of different skills and produce excellent results. In addition my strong AS grades in 6 subjects and high predicted grades show I have the intellectual capability to meet the high demands of a law course. I feel the fact that I achieved excellent results in a wide breadth of subjects including an A at AS level French when taken a year early shows that I have the self-motivation for the sustained independent study that is vital to university success. I gained experience in the debating skills of great value in law and showed my ability to perform under pressure at Abingdon School where I was an active member of the debating society and reached the school public speaking finals.

One of my main passions is computer technology. The development of the internet has created great legal challenges in some areas I find especially interesting, such as International law. A recent case which shows this is of the computer programmer Gary McKinnon. This resulted in the defendant being recommended for extradition to America to face charges for breaking into American military networks from the UK. I found the case interesting as it raised many questions about the way the law and the internet can interact so that an individual could be held liable for crimes in a country he never entered. Another area of law that has been brought to my attention though computer technology is intellectual property rights. I was particularly interested by the case of the critically acclaimed “Grey Album” released by Brian Burton that contained a large amount of unauthorized Beatles samples. This rose to notoriety when the EMI record label ordered stores to cease physical distribution –the album subsequently became one of the most downloaded albums of all time. I thought this posed many questions about current copyright models and their applicability in the age of the internet. I have followed with interest the work of Lawrence Lessig a leading lawyer who has attempted to solve this problem in his book “The Future of Ideas”. A law degree would provide me with a great opportunity to explore these kinds of issues throughout a wide spectrum of topic areas
I am a committed Christian and would look to become a member of the university Christian Union. I am involved with the school 6th form committee and I enjoy badminton and play regularly. As mentioned I am passionate about computing and I am currently learning how to program using the python programming language.
I feel that I would provide a valuable contribution to your university in both a social and academic context and look forward to your reply.
"

[YorkieBen]

you have to do a personal statement? I didnt when I went to Keele.

If you decide on Keele you will have a great time

[TheAnimus]

good uni's will interview people before they make an offer, often when choosing who interviews what person, they will look at the personal statement. Now this probably won't be a lecuturers sitting round a table, and someone says "ooh i like this one" it will in fact be one or 2 poor soles who are admissions tutors this year, and they have to sift through the whole pile. It will be them who will say "hmm dr foo would also enjoys the research of beetles and the moon" and then assign you to him.

As such include something that you really know, preferably obessivly and will talk to everyone comfortably for hours about. Make sure it stands out early on that this is a passion of yours. Try not to think about this as one hurdle, plan as if your going to get through it, and think what you will need next, helping the interviewer find something that will be a good ice breaker is a fantastic start.

[Hans Voralberg]

Out of all the uni he's applying i think only Durham might ask for an interview

[Whiternoise]

at least Durham is a good uni for law type stuff