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Thread: Can you guys help me with my Personal Statement?

  1. #1
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    Can you guys help me with my Personal Statement?

    Just let me know what you think! Appriciate it!

    “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars”-Les Brown. I always try to aim high and be one step ahead of the competition, and the quote from Les Brown who inspires me to get the best out of myself and my education. I have chosen the Business forum of which I am looking to broadening my knowledge and understanding. Apart from my personal interest in business, my studies at GCSE resulted in a grade of which I am proud. Family members are self employed enabling me to use their life experiences to have a better understanding of what is expected of me in the Business world.

    In the Sixth Form I studied Art, Law and Media. I enjoy my subjects thoroughly and found all of them fascinating. In my free time I also enjoyed sports, such as football, tennis, golf and swimming. I also play snooker and pool locally and I enjoy hobbies such as digital work on computers.

    Art has enabled me to express my creative side, this helps keep my ideas flowing and expands my mind. The same can be said for Media, I find media an interesting subject and this has taught me to think “outside the box”. I have also realised that I should “never judge a book by its cover”. Law not only shows history from past events, it enables me to keep up-to date with current affairs and I am regularly reading newspapers to accomplish this.

    Within the Sixth Form I have presented some of my art work to local MP’s and also at my local library, both parties were impressed with the work I showcased. I have also taken part in organising some events for the school including a leaving party. These experiences were valuable as they taught me about being responsible for my actions within a group.

    I have gained valuable work experience at Holland and Barretts. This was a busy store in the middle of my town centre. It gave me experience of how to work under pressure. I have also had some experience at a family members store as a sales assistant and I am currently looking for further employment. I like adapting to different working environments to diversify my portfolio.

    These experiences are very valuable to me and show I am a committed individual. I find it important to exercise my mind and this enables me to give 100% to the task at hand. From my studies within Media I learnt to look at the problem from all angles, so I do not have a biased opinion. New ideas are critical within the market place and I would like to explore the business world so I can apply my ideas effectively.

    Gaining a place at your university will both give me the opportunity to become successful in life, and give me experiences which I know I will find extremely useful. I have the motivation to become a successful business student and I have the qualities of a quick learner, I hope I can use these skills within a course at your university.

  2. #2
    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    out of interest where are you considering applying to?

  3. #3
    radix lecti dave87's Avatar
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    Having written mine last year (or is it 2 years ago? ) a couple of points:

    Starting with a quote - Opinion is divided on how it comes across, some admissions tutors like it, some hate it with a passion. Really depends on what subject/uni you are applying to.

    Re A Level subjects - instead of saying they are all fascinating, perhaps pick out one which you especially enjoyed, give the admissions tutor some idea of what you actually enjoy, rather than saying it because 'my tutor told me to'

    Sports - say what you've done with them - have you won anything? play for any teams? just to give an idea of your sociable side. Same goes with any clubs/societies which you may have joined/partaken in.

    With regards planning of events - perhaps mention self reliance whilst working to deadlines, and also working as part of a team.

    Work Experience - did you do any that related to the course you are applying to? otherwise instead of saying I like adapting rephrase it to say something like 'I am adept at adapting to changing situations and roles'

    100% - dont use it. The % sign doesn't come up on UCAS, and it doesn't give the greatest impression. Say something along the lines of 'enables me to give my full attention to the task at hand'

    The last paragraph is pure slime, but it will flatter the egos of some of the admissions tutors. Personally I would change it to say what you hope to gain from University (in general) this way you don't run the risk of alienating any university by mentioning or alluding to others.

    Hope this Helps,

    Dave

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    I agree with pretty much all dave said, but have a few things to add.

    I'm not entirely sure you need to list your A-Levels (they'll have them on the form anyway). Instead try to convey your passion for one or two of them especially if they are relevant to the uni courses you are applying for (some kind of business studies I assume).

    You mentioned that you helped run some school events, might be worth expanding on that detailing exactly what your responsibilities were (secretary, treasurer, media etc.) and what you gained from it (leadership, money management, team work, communication skills ...).

    For your work experience there's no need to mention the store you worked at was a family members. I'd also leave out your currently looking for employment personally. Possibly emphasise the the communication skills you learnt from these (did you have any public contact at H&B?), as I imagine that's an important thing in the business market.

    I'd also add something about future career aspirations, even if you only have vague ideas. Naturally it would be best if they are something to do with the course!

    Hope that helps a bit, it's all about trying to make the most out of what you've done, whilst not stretching things else you might get caught out at interview.

    Good Luck

  5. #5
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    Thanks for the replys, im hoping for a Business/Law course.

    The UNI's Im applying to are-


    Business and Management Aston University

    Business & Management Bath Spa University

    Business Studies and Law The University of Bradford

    Business Durham University

    Business/Law University of Hertfordshire

    Business Administration and Law Keele University

    Thanks for the suggestions, I adjusted my PS accordingly.

    What do you think now?

    “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars”-Les Brown. I always try to aim high and be one step ahead of the competition, and the quote from Les Brown inspires me to get the best out of myself and my education. I have chosen the Business forum of which I am looking to broaden my knowledge and understanding. Apart from my personal interest in business, my studies at GCSE resulted in a grade of which I am proud. Family members are self employed enabling me to use their life experiences to have a better understanding of what is expected of me in the Business world.

    In the Sixth Form I studied Art, Law and Media. I enjoy my subjects thoroughly and found all of them fascinating. In my free time I also enjoyed sports, such as football, tennis, golf and swimming. I play snooker and pool locally and I enjoy hobbies such as digital work on computers. Sport is essential to a healthy and active lifestyle and it also helps me socialise, I take part in football matches in my free time and this exercises my managerial skills.

    Art has enabled me to express my creative side, this helps keep my ideas flowing and expands my mind. The same can be said for Media, I find media an interesting subject and this has taught me to think “outside the box”. I have also realised that I should “never judge a book by its cover”. Law not only shows history from past events, it enables me to keep up-to date with current affairs and I am regularly reading newspapers to accomplish this. I have attended criminal cases at my local Magistrates court and I find this is essential to challenge my understanding of Law and also expand my knowledge.

    Within the Sixth Form I have presented some of my art work to local MP’s and also at my local library, both parties were impressed with the work I showcased. I have also taken part in organising some events for the school including a leaving party. These experiences were important as they taught me about being responsible for my actions within a group and made me realise the importance of meeting deadlines.

    I have gained valuable work experience at Holland and Barretts. This was a busy store in the middle of my town centre. It gave me experience of how to work under pressure. I have also had some experience at a family members store as a sales assistant and I am currently looking for further employment. I like adapting to different working environments to diversify my portfolio.

    These experiences are very valuable to me and show I am a committed individual. I find it important to exercise my mind and this enables me to give my full attention to the task at hand. From my studies within Media I learnt to look at the problem from all angles, so I do not have a biased opinion. New ideas are critical within the market place and I would like to explore the business world so I can apply my ideas effectively.

    Gaining a place at your university will both give me the opportunity to become successful in life, and give me experiences which I know I will find extremely useful. I have the motivation to become a successful business student and I have the qualities of a quick learner. I hope I can use these skills within a course at your university.

    I find that the bolded paragraph has no piont? What do you think?

    I've shown this to my tutor and she said it was excellent by the way !
    Last edited by Noni; 17-11-2006 at 01:24 PM.

  6. #6
    Va Va Voom Lowe's Avatar
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    Personally I'd lose the quote - instantly turns the switch in my head to 'oh dear....'

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    Drop it like it's hot Howard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lowe View Post
    Personally I'd lose the quote - instantly turns the switch in my head to 'oh dear....'
    I agree, it's just cheesy
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    Amateur photographer Hans Voralberg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Howard View Post
    I agree, it's just cheesy
    Me too, first thought when I read that is WTH
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    Apparently quotes from Philosophers and things don't go down too well. AND apparently, if you get it right, some short stabs at humour go nicely too.

  10. #10
    Ғо ѕніzzLє му піzzLє chicken's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hans Voralberg View Post
    Me too, first thought when I read that is WTH
    Same here, I stopped reading at that point and had to force myself to go back again, it's too tacky!

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    the quote screams of trying too hard, so yeah bin that when i applied to uni (southampton) there was a semi-interview but they didnt really talk about my personal statement at all... the idea is that your grades do the talking and the PS is just there as a backup

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    As an overall impression I looks like a number of distinct and seperate paragraphs stuck together in the form of a personal statement. Try to make it more flowing, link paragraphs to the next. years ago when i wrote my personal statement i had the same thing, it looked much better when it was coherent.

    looking in more closely...

    drop the quote as everyone has suggested - it casts images of a sneering, slimey go getter salesman.

    How does playing football help your managerial skills? Are you the team manager? if so, say that. Or do you mean time management skills

    Say that you have displayed your work at the library, not presented your work at the local library - you present to people, you display at a location

    Try to drop some of the fancy words...in the holland and barrets paragraph, what portfolio? do you mean an portfolio of your art work? I think what you mean is you want to hold other jobs to gain experience in a wide variety of areas/fields.


    I hope you don't take the criticism the wrong way, just trying to help. Keep at it, it looks like you have a good grounding for your personal statement

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    this has taught me to think “outside the box”.

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    Amateur photographer Hans Voralberg's Avatar
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    Im on a similar course @ Aston, BCIT to be exact and last year I basically just go on and on about how much experience I have playing with computers. Sale assistant, machine assembly etc etc. Guess they like it So put down precisely what you have done and achieved (in term of experience as well)
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    Thanks for the replys!


    Well the quote was put in as I was told that the guys that read them have the same old "My ambition is..." and he said I should put in a quote to make a change and make it stand out more. Shall I replace it with another quote? If so are there any reccomendations?

    pak000- I just order people about and act like the captain, it is kind of like a kickabout after school. But I was thinking- Team Captain= Mangerial skills/Responsible within a group.

    Will change the displayed bit!

    I wrote diversify portifolio from an advert I saw, my tutor said it was fine. I should replace it with- "hold other jobs to gain experience in a wide variety of areas/fields.
    "

    Thanks for the help so far, it is really appriciated, I just want to get this sorted !

  16. #16
    No more Mr Nice Guy. Nick's Avatar
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    How about an honest one?
    "Love 'em and leave 'em, son" - My Dad.

    I'm applying to you guys because if I don't my parents won't pay for my gap year and me and my mates were hoping to head to New Zealand cos we heard the birds out there are fit and easy, a bit like the ones in Wales, but fit.

    Anyway, I did alright in school and stuff but I reckon if I go to Uni I'll have a chance at getting loads of portions if you know what I mean. Oh, and if you're a woman reading this, you mature birds are in with just as much of a chance as anyone else. I've seen The Graduate, I know how it works.

    Why did I pick you guys? Well I heard that the girl to boy ratio is something like 4:1, which suits me just fine. Do you have a nursing college near you? I like a bit of that uniform stuff too.

    Oh, and there's an Aldi nearby too, yeah? Beans will do me as the rest will go on cheap beer.

    Right, that's about it I reckon. Oh, by the way, unless you've got a fast net connection that isn't strapped down like some weird Japanese fetish chick and you don't mind me using torrents 24/7, I'll pass on coming up to you guys, ok?
    Send that in and watch Oxford and Cambridge cat fight over you... honest!
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