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Thread: Funniest Game Reviews.

  1. #1
    A Straw? And Fruit? Bazzlad's Avatar
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    Funniest Game Reviews.

    I was an avid reader on N64 magazine, and I remember they had a mini review of every game in the back of each issue, and some of these were hilarious.

    Nipped on Wikipedia voila some of the best:

    * Clayfighter 63 1/3 (N64) 24% - Was described as being "as painful as... having red hot needles shoved into your eyes"; the Top Tip section revealed that "Breaking the cart open reveals several chips of varying thickness. Stack them together to prop up wobbly chairs, etc."
    * Cruis'n USA (N64): 24% was described, simply, as "dump".
    * Rampage 2: Universal Tour (N64): 22% - Declared an "utterly rancid arcade yawn-fest".
    * Trump World (N64): 21% - To give it the full title, "Alice's Waku-Waku Trump World", an unfathomable Alice In Wonderland-themed card game, was deemed "nose-achingly pungent" and "a real Lenny Bennett of a game".
    * Wheel Of Fortune (N64): 17% - Another US quiz show port, this was found to be "worse than accidentally falling off a cliff. And surviving".
    * Batman of the Future (N64): 16% - A "miserable excuse for a fighting game".
    * Batman: Dark Tomorrow (GameCube): 15% - Jes described as "Like having the skin flayed from your fingertips". Later when Batman Begins was mentioned on the cover the magazine asked the rhetorical question: "Can it beat Batman: Dark Tomorrow? Well, it wouldn't be hard..."
    * Superman 64 (N64): 14% - was initially viewed as 'an utterly hopeless, consistently appalling leper of a 'game'...bordering on the illegal'. Superman 64 became the butt of all jokes after it was reviewed, and described in Issue 100's hall of shame as 'A game of legendary-so-bad-it's-almost-goodness'. Features the legendary level where Lex Luthor asks Superman to 'solve my maze' which later was a small competition segment in the magazine, the last of which was named "Solve my murder" and had three ways in which Luthor was killed.
    * AeroGauge (N64): 10% - Was ridiculed severely, and a "Top Tip" provided with a quick-reference review in the magazine's "index" section read "If you handed over good money for Aero Gauge, 01*** ****** (number censored for privacy) is the number to ring to complain".
    * Beyblade (GameCube): 10% - Was referred to as being "scat-encrusted" and Kittsy said: "It's rubbish. Really rubbish. Honest, it's crap".
    * Jeopardy! (N64): 9% A US Import only, was described as "less a game, more a vile disease". Apparently "so ugly that, if you look at it, you'll turn to stone".
    * Mortal Kombat Mythologies (N64): 9% - Possibly the most despised game of NGC Magazine's history; the price was stated as "£Too much", the mini-review stated that "This could only be less enjoyable if it squirted sulphuric acid into your face," and the staff's frustration with the game's mechanics was revealed in a tip section: "Creep along in that sideways spider fashion and then GET CRUSHED BY A PILLAR. Place your fist into TV screen".
    * Power Rangers: Lightspeed Rescue (N64): 9% - Described by Greener as "60 of the most bitterly tedious minutes" of his life.
    * Carmageddon 64 (N64): 8% - Was the lowest rated from 1999 until the end of 2004, and was described as "brain-meltingly awful" and "a shocking travesty": players were instructed to, if they saw the game in the shops, to "take it off the shelves, rip up the box and throw the cart repeatedly at the wall until it breaks";
    * Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Second Edition (GBA): 5% - The worst score in NGC's history. "You'd be better off staying as far away from this lazy slab of plastic as you can. So it's getting 5%. For 'existing'. And that is generous."

    And, two final honorable mentions:

    * Get A Love: Panda Love Unit (N64): ??% - The strangest game ever reviewed for NGC Magazine, and as such, a score was impossible to award. The decision reached was ??%, and the review read thus: "Impenetrable Japanese girlfriend simulator. No, hang on, that came out all wrong..."
    * Giftpia (GameCube): ??% - Awarded the score for the fact that it was so heavy in Japanese that they didn't have a clue what was going on in the game and thus didn't feel they could award a score. It must be noted though that the review wasn't unfavourable to the game's graphics and sound, giving them marks of 8 (out of 10) and 7 respectively, and even making the comment that "There's clearly a quite brilliant game lurking beneath the realms of the Japanese text".

  2. #2
    Going Retro!!! Ferral's Avatar
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    I used to love reading the mini reviews in the back of a lot of the mags at the time. Yeah some of the games that were decent they actually done a short decent sentence about them, similar to the budget re release games. However if they were bad when released then the mini review could and usually did say the things you mentioned.

  3. #3
    Senior Member greektony's Avatar
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    ah, i remember waiting every month for that mag Those were the days before i had the internet lol
    Well, I can cut it in half!

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    Tools are the subtlest of traps redsky009's Avatar
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    I love the PC Zone and Nintendo magazine reviews, wonderfullyover the top when they liked a game, creatively derogatory when they didnt...ahh

    My favourite quote from PC Zone review (can't remember the game) was along the lines of :

    'It certainly is challenging: but then, so is stapling your nuts to the ceiling, and that doesn't mean its something you'd like to do on a regular basis, let alone fork out money for'

  5. #5
    listen to escape fails :) luap.h's Avatar
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    I miss Amiga Power - they were just hilarious

    Alien Breed 3D II - Officially this game scored Amiga Power magazine's highest ever review score - 98%. Team 17's Marcus Dyson (himself a former Amiga journalist) phoned AP to say thanks immediately after seeing it. If he'd've read the review closely, he'd've realised that the text of the review was highly critical, with a score of 60% hidden within the text, and the text in the summary box was clearly sarcastic

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    Pseudo-Mad Scientist Whiternoise's Avatar
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    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giftpia hmm..

    http://www.nintendo.co.jp/ngc/ggfj/index.html and there.. O.o you have to listen to the theme tune (the ~1mb selection on the flash bit)
    Last edited by Whiternoise; 01-12-2006 at 09:19 PM.

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