Hitting Home.

[shelley bda]

It is starting to sink in now that this year is going to be like an emotional rollercoaster for me. My babies have grown up. A 20 year old who has his own job and car, talking of visiting his friends in Canada. He has spoken before of moving out there to start his own English theme bar and is saving like mad. Something tells me he may leave and not come back.

Youngest son is 18 and applying to University. He has four choices of Dundee, Aberdeen, Aberystwyth and Cardiff. He has heard back off all but Dundee to say his applications are being processed.

I would love him to go to either Aberystwyth or Cardiff, Aber being the closest to us. Cardiff about 2 hours away.
He has his heart set on Dundee, he wants to study game design technology and maths there. Other courses include computer science, software developing, maths with computing and artificial inteligence.

I think that for a boy who was always socially inept, and enjoys being at home it seems an extreme choice, to me, but it's his choice. He's always done his own thing, and deep down I know it will be the making of him to go away to University and be around all those amazing people, meeting new friends and finding himself

Pathetically I could feel the tears welling up in Wilko when shopping and seeing things he may need to take with him! Of course he's going to need fluffy cushions and a toastie maker, along with a kettle and coffee machine is a must!

And it's my own fault because I have always told them both to follow their hearts and not look back. So that's it. My Mother role is changing. And I do not like it. For years it's been us, me Jon and the Boys and the house doesn't feel right if we are all not in it I knew the day would come, but didnt realise it would come around so quickly.

Going to be old and forgotten and I'll probaby end up getting eaten by the cats knowig my luck.

[Spreadie]

Yes, you've fulfilled your biological imperative, it's time to curl up and await the reaper!

Nonsense - now is the time to enjoy yourself - you've spent the last 20 years devoting yourself to raising kids - One has a job and the other is going to uni - sounds like you've done a decent job so far, they could have turned out as a pair of drunken thieves and been a permanent burden on society.

So, how about a little "you time"?

Maybe you need a hobby or a new cause - something to throw yourself at and focus upon; even if it's only long enough to overcome the separation anxiety associated with the kids moving out.

Don't stagnate, get out there and enjoy youself.

[g8ina]

Spreadie has it pretty much spot on, plus you have all of Shropshire to go out and enjoy (missing my county)

[Phage]

We're in the exact same position. Eldest is studying maths at Bath. On the spectrum, I didn't think he'd manage.
As it turns out the maths dept is full of people just like him ! Don't be concerned for the offspring it's time for our whole third age thang.
The second will be leaving soon, and it's now time to think of us again. I was thinking travel, might take the other half to Norway. Love to see the aurora !

Have you thought of writing down this stage in a blog or book ? I think a lot of people will empathise.

[peterb]

There is an old saying on the lines of "cut the apron strings, let them fly, and they'll always come back - keep them tied and caged and they'll break free anyway"

I remember my mother getting upset when I left home at 18, and I couldn't really understand why. But now, many years down the line, we are still close and had family time at my sister's over Christmas. The parent child relationship is constantly dynamic, your children have been slowly gaining independence since they were born - learning to walk, explore their surroundings, go to school - this is another, somewhat more dramatic, step on that path.

They will survive, grow up and mature, and yes, they will be back, keen to show you what they have achieved with the start you gave them.

Yes, a time of momentary sadness, but they will always be your children, and you will always have that bond, but it will continue to develop and change as they in turn will probably go on to have families of their own.

[shelley bda]

Yes, you've fulfilled your biological imperative, it's time to curl up and await the reaper!

Nonsense - now is the time to enjoy yourself - you've spent the last 20 years devoting yourself to raising kids - One has a job and the other is going to uni - sounds like you've done a decent job so far, they could have turned out as a pair of drunken thieves and been a permanent burden on society.

So, how about a little "you time"?

Maybe you need a hobby or a new cause - something to throw yourself at and focus upon; even if it's only long enough to overcome the separation anxiety associated with the kids moving out.

Don't stagnate, get out there and enjoy youself.

Thank you, yes I plan to get out there and live a life. There's lots of places I want to visit, including London and Scotland, and if youngest is at Uni there then it's the perfect excuse to book a holiday.

There is lots I want to achieve in my career. I'm studying at University myself at the moment, in my 2nd year of studying Child Development and Early Years learning while working as a Deputy Manager in a Day Nursery. After Uni I'm looking at the Inspectorate side of it, through either Ofsted or CCSIW. So I will be busy one way or another

And yes, I am very proud of both boys, they have grown up into well mannered polite young gentlemen, I really couldn't of asked for them to have turned out better.

Plus hopefully there will be Grandbabies soon! looking forward to being a Grandma! then I really be old. Maybe more Glam-Ma than Grandma!

Spreadie has it pretty much spot on, plus you have all of Shropshire to go out and enjoy (missing my county)

Yes! Shropshire is a very beautiful place... I'm not surprised you miss it I have lived in different places but my heart was always in Shropshire.

We're in the exact same position. Eldest is studying maths at Bath. On the spectrum, I didn't think he'd manage.
As it turns out the maths dept is full of people just like him ! Don't be concerned for the offspring it's time for our whole third age thang.
The second will be leaving soon, and it's now time to think of us again. I was thinking travel, might take the other half to Norway. Love to see the aurora !

Have you thought of writing down this stage in a blog or book ? I think a lot of people will empathise.

Aw glad to hear your boy is enjoying his course. I know Luke will love studying, it's like a biological drive he has, he has to do it...He's so interested in my degree, despite the subject having no interest to him.

You should go to Norway, that sounds amazing! I was looking for the Aurora the other night after hearing it could be visible in North Wales. I didn't see it

A blog sounds a good idea, they are a good way of writing down thoughts and feelings. Plus quite nice to look back on in years to come.

I will be fine, but I know there will be lots of tears and tantrums (just from me!) before the year is out!

[shelley bda]

There is an old saying on the lines of "cut the apron strings, let them fly, and they'll always come back - keep them tied and caged and they'll break free anyway"

I remember my mother getting upset when I left home at 18, and I couldn't really understand why. But now, many years down the line, we are still close and had family time at my sister's over Christmas. The parent child relationship is constantly dynamic, your children have been slowly gaining independence since they were born - learning to walk, explore their surroundings, go to school - this is another, somewhat more dramatic, step on that path.

They will survive, grow up and mature, and yes, they will be back, keen to show you what they have achieved with the start you gave them.

Yes, a time of momentary sadness, but they will always be your children, and you will always have that bond, but it will continue to develop and change as they in turn will probably go on to have families of their own.

I never really thought about the impact on the parents when the children leave home to make their own lives. I have a disorganized attachment relationship with my Mother, she wasn't around when growing up. And if my leaving home affected my Dad he never showed it.

Exactly, the dynamics do change. People always say to me that it must be nice to have older children, to not have to worry but I always say that they will always need you. Just in a different way.

Anyway, like I always tell them they will always be my babies no matter how old they are, even when they have their own babies they will always be my babies

[Zak33]

And it's my own fault because I have always told them both to follow their hearts and not look back. So that's it. My Mother role is changing. And I do not like it. For years it's been us, me Jon and the Boys and the house doesn't feel right if we are all not in it I knew the day would come, but didnt realise it would come around so quickly.

your fault for being a good mother....?

yeah Shells.. you're to blame for being a top lass

Stop beating yaself up.....

don't buy stuff for lads until they agree... take them.. make them decide... time to stop mothering and start teaching.

and get your saving's ready.. to bail them out of debt

[Raz316]

So, how about a little "you time"?

Maybe you need a hobby or a new cause - something to throw yourself at and focus upon;

Shelley : "Good news son! I'm coming to study at Dundee too!"
Son : "Nooooooooooooooo!"

[shelley bda]

your fault for being a good mother....?

yeah Shells.. you're to blame for being a top lass

Stop beating yaself up.....

don't buy stuff for lads until they agree... take them.. make them decide... time to stop mothering and start teaching.

and get your saving's ready.. to bail them out of debt

Thanks Zak, your always so kind to me but will give a kick up the backside when it's needed

Shelley : "Good news son! I'm coming to study at Dundee too!"
Son : "Nooooooooooooooo!"

Now that is a good idea!

[Spreadie]

Shelley : "Good news son! I'm coming to study at Dundee too!"
Son : "Nooooooooooooooo!"

Now that is a good idea!

Yeah, do that. You know he'd absolutely love it!

[jon bda]

Did i mention the slap i got for suggesting that this is all me and Shelley will need for xmas dinner next year with #1 son also making noises about wanting his own place...

[shelley bda]

Well, the offers are coming. He has had conditional offers from Aberystwyth and Cardiff so far. He is waiting to see if Dundee get back to him and what Aberdeen has to say.

[Zak33]

Did i mention the slap i got for suggesting that this is all me and Shelley will need for xmas dinner next year

lose the crockery....and replace with alcohol and she'd have believed you!!!

[jon bda]

lose the crockery....and replace with alcohol and she'd have believed you!!!

Fishbowl in the middle with a couple of straws, job jobbed!

[opel80uk]

Hi,

I read your post and just wanted to let you know my own experience, that hopefully you may find some use of. Admittedly, I am a bit older than your son (32), and I had already flown the nest (but was living a mere 5 minutes away from the family home in London) but have always been close to my Ma. My wife, who is from Cork, had always wanted to move home back home to Ireland and 2 years ago, we finally got the opportunity when I was offered a good job opportunity.

Knowing how hard my Ma would take it, telling her was incredibly hard and she was very upset. Coupled with the fact that she was very close to my, at the time, 3 year old daughter, I know my Ma found it incredibly difficult to say goodbye, as we did too. What I have found though is, since moving, if anything we have grown closer. I lost count of the amount of times I’d be at home in my flat 5 minutes away from her and think I’d pop round, or give her call, only to start something else and then say ‘ah, I’ll go/call tomorrow instead’. Now I probably speak or communicate with her more often now than when I lived a mile away, precisely because I know that I can’t just pop round and see her whenever I want. The typical little family stuff squabbles that we would have don’t seem anywhere near as important as they did previously and there hasn’t been so much as a raised voice between us in the past 2 years. And that’s not to mention how special it is when we do meet. I haven’t looked forward to Christmas, family events or just a holiday back home as much as I do now since I was a child, knowing that we’ll all (I have siblings in London also) be meeting up again. And I know my Ma feels the same.

So just to let you know, and I understand it sounds perverse, but sometimes distance can bring people even closer, and that’s certainly my experience. I hope all works out well for you and yours.