How do you contain problem teenagers

[TiG]

Figured best to go in here, i'd like to take the view of the parents for this one, Parents are well to do, care about their kids. Kids have got in with wrong crowd and are running rampage, disappearing for days at time.

Parents keep mobile phone topped up with money to be able to contact kids, and kids turn phone off?.

Anything that the parents can do sensibly to control their kids? Or is it the case that once kids get to 16, if they are little bastards they will always be little bastards?

Figured best to post here instead of GD for more sensible considured responses?.

TiG

[RVF500]

Wel as a father of 2 teenagers, 18 and 15, I'm in the enviable position of not having had any nightmares such as that which you have just described. How did we do it? Not sure really. We both have very good relationships with the kids. Take interest in their interests and find common ground to be able to spend time with them doing what they like to do. Not easy as I work away an awful lot. So credit has to go to my wife.

My son races karts and I often work as his pit crew. I give him the respect for his achievements and recognise that he is better than I at that while using my own experiences/abilities to help him in things that I am better at, for example. My daughter was looking like being a teenage b*tch but my wife had a very frank discussion with her and managed to head that off. I think it boils down to the fact that we all have a very close relationship.

They have never been restricted but have been advised. As my daughter said to my wife "it's no fun rebelling here as there is nothing to rebel about". We are fortunate in that I am a high(ish) earner and that helps as we have been able to afford to fund their interests. They are not spoiled before anyone asks. Far from it. Both do well academically.

The question I would ask is why they are disappearing and what attracted them to that crowd? Looks like attention seeking on the face of it. Either from the parents or seeking approval of their peers. Maybe both. Get to the bottom of that and perhaps a solution will come out.

Also we are not guardian reading lefties. Far from it. I'm an ex-squaddie with some fairly right wing views. I was very strict with them as children relaxing as they became older and showed more responsibility. Don't know if that helps but those are my experiences with my teenage kids. We also have a primary school child still to get through teenage, so we're not out of the woods yet.

[Zak33]

ooooh TiG....that bloke there has it sorted mate....strict with them as kids, nail then IF they do stuff wrong as they get older, but show them respect as they grow.

Fair play RVF500......we're gonna get along just great I think

But how to deal with them when you might have got them right first time.....blimey

The Rebellion thing holds the power.......and tightening up on stuff and docking their lifestyles somehow will make it worse...


Gotta look inside myself for what I liked and hated at that age.....and one thing I HATED was being dictated to...and not being believed...I very rarely lied....but my Mum thought I did....she never trusted me. Sad ...made me sad......made her mad.

Need something to get them home on time for.

Money allowance....ya get it IF you're in by 10pm. If ya not, ya dont.

If ya get it for regular behaviour for a few weeks, one of bonus.

Lets face it....money talks.

ONCE they're home....its up to the parents to find a common ground to work on the relationship...but first target, in my opinion, is keeping the little sods home!

But...as you know...I have no kids.

But I DO have a kids mind....always have

[RVF500]

The rules were simple ZAK ....screw up....one warning...ignore the warning and reap the consequences. Happily they cottoned on pretty quickly. They were mischievious but not bad. Still are for that matter.

The problem outlined above is something any parent would dread. No quick fix. Communication is a big thing I believe. Showing a certain amount of trust and letting them know that one is entrusting them. Kind of a double play. Makes them feel responsible for breaking that trust (if they do). Especially when they are asked, in a very level and reasonable way why they broke that trust.

Kids have no life experience therefore little or no empathy. Thats why they can be so damned cruel.

[TiG]

I'm lucky enough to not be in that situation, but i know someone who is, their kids are awful. I honestly think they are past the point of help, i mean if they are like this at 17, its too late right?.....

I think the Parents give in too quick, but to change now i think is something that they just couldn't do as the kids would just keep going on and on ad infinitium..

Personally i think the lad should be sent to the army, i think it would be the only thing to get some sense into him, with a large amount of discipline to stop him having things all his own way.

I hope and pray that i would be a better parent myself...

TiG

[Zak33]

you know and I know you would.

If not...we'll send the little sods to RVF he'll sort them

[lynni]

yeah i know im not meant to be here, but i couldnt resist this :O

According to my health visitor who im with on placement at the moment, she say's that problems should be recognised by the time the child is 3-4 years old and if they arent sorted by the time the child is 7. then they are lost forever......


see you in a few weeks time, bye

[TiG]

Its not being mean Lynni, its your view, and to be honest i think you are right. I think the first few years are the most important, you teach the kids so much in those first few years that moulds them for the rest of their lives... I don't believe its quite as hard and fast as 3/4 but still hold the same views..

TiG

[Russ]

theres a problem with health workers opinions, theyve read there opinion out of a book 9/10.. yes nuaghty children are harder to control as they get older, but with the attitude of "bah hes 6 now theres no hope" in the back of a social workers mind, its putting an immediate barrier up between them and the child. its like trying chicken for the very first time at an indian restuarant, if you never tried it before, and u dont like it form there, your gonna think to urself, yuck i hate chicken, and for all you know that could have been the dish u didnt like.. if u understand what im getting at. "problem teenagers" dont exist in my eyes, theres three types of teenagers, ones who care about there life, ones who dont care about there life, and ones who care enough to change there life. i was a nuaghty git all the way threw school, never really bad, but a pita, but i could be arsed to change, put effort in and not have to end up working a night shift stickin cd cases to magazines etc.

lynnis point about social workers sounds about right of every social worker ive ever spoke to (and there been a few threw work and my gf's parents foster), there in it for the money and couldn give two sods about anything else. Lynni as a nurse, if a patient was in a RTA and lost an arm, and due to blood loss died, you wouldnt think, net time it happened there a gonna for sure would you? "problem teenagers" are the spawn of parents who dont care enough to fix there life.. i also think children who are convicted of a crime against the public (whether it be graffiti or assualt) should be made to serve a term in the amy.

my fingers hurt after all that

[Zak33]

nice post Russ mate

[TiG]

Interested in most of your post russ, but i'm not sure about this at ALL!.
"problem teenagers" are the spawn of parents who dont care enough to fix there life..

I think the people i know with this problem care too much, they gave in to demands from the kids to easy so they kids just kept demanding more and more and more. Now they are old enough they care for nothing but themselves, everything came to easy.

Their parents care enough to try and change things but now they are the daughter of 16 has disappeared on monday this week and is still missing. Several sightings have been occured at College but not because she attended classes.

They don't wreck stuff or get in trouble with the police (yet) but they are making their parents nervous wrecks.

TiG

[Russ]

i see your point mate, and i suppose its true in a lot of cases, you have to find comon(sp? im tired ) with your children to be an effective parent imho

[Russ]

.. carried on, like me and my mom get on well, im fortunate shes around, she's always got my back, but my dad dont seem to care about what i do, hes only ever pld footy with me twice, and thats less than my nan, so when i have kids it will make me a better parent, cos i know what its liek to have a father who aint interested, so i'll take more interest in my kids, if i have to drag them in by there ear off street corners and burn there burberry hats in front of them i'll do it, but i suppose i've had discipline tuaght into me, from the air cadets and my parents etc.

[MadAsABadger]

i agree that national service of some sort can sort a lot of pople out at a critical early age. not sure you can force peple to do it but should be recommended for many.

I served two years with the Officer Tarining Core while studying at uni and I found it a fancinsting experience, you grow up quick and you learn to really respect people cos you know they have earnt it.

Maybe that is also part of the problem you dicuss, teenagers dont have much respect for anyone these days? Your thoughts?

[tornadoknight]

Is anyone still here to discuss this topic? I'm having trouble with my 17 year old daughter ignoring her mother and my advice or orders when dealing with her loser boyfriend.

HELP!!!

Matt

[pp05]

There is no right or wrong answer.

I think Zak is onto something. You have adapt as you go on and judge the kid. Also make them responsible for their actions and look like your threat is real if they mess up - none of that 'I will love you whatever you do babe blah'... Trusting them is key but make sure there is a price for that trust.

As soon as kids see weakness in parents they will use it against them. At no time should you show weakness. If they have a boyfriend you disaprove of... 'I think it's great you have a boyfriend.. why don't you invite him around'.... throw some estate agent catalogs in front of them and tell them to get looking for a home if they wanna see eachother. I see a lot of parents give in and just bribe the kid with ps3 or whatever...

I had my Grandad around as my dad worked long hours. There was a bit of discipline (before age of 12) but it eased up when I got to secondary school. I still had be home within 30mins of school day finishing. I still wasn't allowed out that much barring sports on weekend and with approved people which stopped at 16. After that I was free to do whatever I wanted but I still acted responsibly because I realised I didn't want to lose their trust.