Help cheer up my injured mate! :)

[Tumble]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.


They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she craps on you!"



Get well soon Mike

[unreal]

Get well soon sir, you've been hogging all the action for far too long now give someone else a go ;p

Also; boobs. I can't be bothered to write a joke so I thought I would write a mildly obscene word (well, it was when I was 5 anyway)....

[Nick]

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[jamin]

In a nutshell:

My mate is a Captain in the British Army, serving in Afghanistan. Unfortunately he was involved in a rocket attack (as far as I know) and has taken a bit of a kicking.

Dude, didn't you read the instuctions? Light at arms length then retreat to a safe distance! Budumtschhh!

Oh right....... Attacked by a rocket! Get well soon dude, you guys are doing a great job for Queen and Country.

Heres one for you:

A Duck walks into a Bar and says to the Barman "Slice of bread please!"

Barman looks puzzled "Sorry mate, we only sell beer and wine!"

"Oh" Says the Duck looking at the various beverages on sale, "Can I have a slice of Bread please?"

"Look mate" An angry Bar Steward snaps, " This is a PUB, not a bakery, we sell booze!"

The Duck looks him in the eye and replies, "Can I have a slice of bread?"

The Barman, now really angry says "Oy Donald, if you ask me for Bread again I'm going to nail your quacking beak to the Bar!"

"Got any nails?" Asks the Duck

A puzzled Barman, "Wot?.....No......"

"Got any Bread?"

[pr0p4g4nd4]

Dude, didn't you read the instuctions? Light at arms length then retreat to a safe distance! Budumtschhh!

Oh right....... Attacked by a rocket! Get well soon dude, you guys are doing a great job for Queen and Country.

Heres one for you:

A Duck walks into a Bar and says to the Barman "Slice of bread please!"

Barman looks puzzled "Sorry mate, we only sell beer and wine!"

"Oh" Says the Duck looking at the various beverages on sale, "Can I have a slice of Bread please?"

"Look mate" An angry Bar Steward snaps, " This is a PUB, not a bakery, we sell booze!"

The Duck looks him in the eye and replies, "Can I have a slice of bread?"

The Barman, now really angry says "Oy Donald, if you ask me for Bread again I'm going to nail your quacking beak to the Bar!"

"Got any nails?" Asks the Duck

A puzzled Barman, "Wot?.....No......"

"Got any Bread?"

Oh boy that cracked me up for some reason!

The sperm bank one made me laugh then feel rather sick, haha!

[Lee`]

I hope your not allergic to cats.

[chrisg22]

Its Caturday!!





Hope you get better soon mate.

[Mossy]

Jane and David walk to School every morning

David say's "climb that tree Jane and I'll give you a Mars bar"

so Jane climbs the tree.

On the way home he asks her to climb the same tree.

The next day comes, again David asks Jane to climb the tree for his dinner money

So Jane climbs the tree.

Jane returns home rather puzzled at Davids requests and decides to mention this to her mum in which she replies "its ok Jane he only wants to see your knicker" to which she says "sapp ba*tard I'm not wearing any"

Get well soon dude I know my Jokes are lame!!!!

[kidzer]

hmm, lets see if I can remember this joke right...told to me by my Chemistry teacher a few years ago...

A man is driving from Aberdeen to London, and stops in dundee to fuel up, as he is filling the tank, his passenger takes out a cigarette and starts smoking it.

Unbeknownst to the driver, when the fuel started pumping, some splashed onto the sleeve of the jacket he was wearing.

Anyways, he goes and pays for his fuel and they set off again, 5 minutes later a spark from his friends cigarette gets caught in the airflow in the car and lands on his arm which had been doused with petrol 5 minutes previously, and his arm catches fire.

The driver, in a fit of panic hangs this arm out of the window and starts waving it furiously in the breeze, trying to put it out, when he hears sirens behind him, from a police car.

The policeman approaches the car, as the man has almost fully extinguished his arm and says;

"I'm sorry sir, i'm going to have to arrest you for posession of a Firearm"

*tumbleweed*

Get well soon