Should you tell?

[funke_munke]

If it's your best mate, tell the poor guy. He is being lied to and has a right to know.

[acrobat]

I think it all depends on the situation and the specific people. If its someone you really care about, then its your duty as a friend to tell them. If they where a good person, they would appreciate how hard it is to tell them something like that. And if they don't, then screw them.

Someone else said, they may not thank you, (at first), but thats just life, and thats partly what being a friend and a good person is all about. You sometimes have to do things that don't benefit you, for the good of other people etc. Thats just about being self-less and a caring and stuff.

So if someone goes out and buys a crappy graphics card and tells you about how they love getting decent graphics in games, then a good person wouldn't say, "You dumbass, you bought the wrong thing". You would say, "Cool! I'm happy for you". Because whats done is done, and you aren't going to be preventing any further heatbreak by ruining their day. But when a friend's wife is shagging around behind his back, you tell him, because he is your friend. Not to mention the fact that she could possibly catch something and transfer it to him.

But there are exceptions. If you didn't particularly like him, and you maybe preferred her, then its maybe best to not say. And if he was a **** and he abused her or something, then personally, I'd set her up with someone else myself. So it all depends on the people and the situation really.

As for your specific situation, not sure if you wanted us to pass judgement or not , and don't really know enough to determine if you should have or not. Because like I said, it depends on the people and the situation. But I also personally would probably give way more slack to a 20 year old than other 20 year olds would for example. Because I know that when I was 20, I thought I knew everything but I didn't know anything And lots of 20 years olds just dont have the experience to know what to do, so I wouldn't have thought badly of you for not telling him, even if he was a good person that deserved being told. And theres maybe no right answer anyway. Like somebody else said, even if it was them being cheated on.. they would prefer to not know. So you might have actually been doing the wrong thing by telling them. So again, it depends on the people.
P.S. If its still praying on your mind after many years, hopefully you can draw a line under it and move on. And hopefully they have moved on to better relationships now, and if not, maybe they will soon. Thats all that really matters.

P.p.s. And remember, take care of yourselves, aaaand each other.

[Saracen]

You are saying ignorance is bliss....?

Thats just not me, never has been and i pray never will be. Facing the truth for me is something that i can't imagine ever shying away from.

TiG

Kind of, yeah.

I'm not saying ignorance is bliss, but what I'm saying is that absolute truth carries a price, too.

A trivial example .... when the wife says "does my bum look big in this?" or "what do you think of this dress?" be VERY careful how you answer, because "not big exactly, <bleeping> enormous is closer" is probably not a bit of truth that's going to enhance your near-term domestic tranquility.

Seriously, though, there's a substantial range of situations where a little white lie is morally justifiable. The implication is that the truth being a good thing is not an absolute.

So .... with that in mind, my point above was that IF I found out my wife was cheating on me, it'd make it very hard to ever trust her again, and it could well end up wrecking a marriage which, I have to say, I'm very happy with.

Suppose that infidelity was a one-off fling that was a mistake, and is now over. Do I want to lose or even risk a wonderful relationship because of it? No, I don't.

On the other hand, if she was doing a yoyo-knickers job and knocking off anything male that stood still for too long, then yes, I'd like to know because it's obvious the relationship isn't exactly as good as I thought it was.


Let me put it another way. Would I want to end the relationship because the wife had a brief fling that's now over? No. I wouldn't. Given that, I'd MUCH rather not know about the fling. Knowing would damage the relationship, and destroy my trust in her, and cost me my happiness.

Do I want to lose her over a brief mistake? No. She means much more to me that that. So ... a slavish dedication to absolute and all-encompassing truth could well destroy happiness for me that I'd otherwise have. It is not, in those circumstances, a price I'd wish to pay and I would not thank someone for telling me.


I'm sure a lot of people would want to know, but not everybody does.

So for those thinking of telling the mate, that's your call, but just be aware that YOUR actions could be what causes the marriage to fold. And if that means parents split, will the kids thank you for your honesty? Maybe. But maybe not. Getting between husband and wife over this issue is not something to do lightly, because it can have grave consequences for people's lives, and not necessarily for the better.

[Rave]

I think there's a distinction between a one off drunken indiscretion, and an actual ongoing affair (or several seperate episodes of cheating). If I caught, or heard of a friend's partner doing the former, I'd be inclined to confront them and put the fear into them, rather than go straight to my friend and spill the beans.

In the latter case, it comes down to whether your friend actually wants to know or not. I, like TiG and others, would definitely want to know so that I could chuck my partner out and move on- I set a lot of store by fidelity and honesty. Equally though, other people would not want to know, and I respect that- there is no right or wrong answer.

So- you'd have to find out what your friend would want. Over a drink or two (with the cheating partner not present, obviously) you ask them this very question in a hypothetical sense, pretending that you're talking about another friend that they don't know. If they come back and say 'well in that situation I'd like to know', then you tell them, albeit probably not on that evening; maybe even let them know anonymously if you're worried about them 'shooting the messenger'. If they say that they'd rather not know, then there you go- you thank them for their counsel and change the subject.

[badass]

I think there's a distinction between a one off drunken indiscretion, and an actual ongoing affair

If my partner was guilty of a drunken indiscrecion, I'd want to know. It would then be up to me to forgive and forget or leave her over it.

(or several seperate episodes of cheating). If I caught, or heard of a friend's partner doing the former, I'd be inclined to confront them and put the fear into them, rather than go straight to my friend and spill the beans.

In the latter case, it comes down to whether your friend actually wants to know or not. I, like TiG and others, would definitely want to know so that I could chuck my partner out and move on- I set a lot of store by fidelity and honesty. Equally though, other people would not want to know, and I respect that- there is no right or wrong answer.

So- you'd have to find out what your friend would want. Over a drink or two (with the cheating partner not present, obviously) you ask them this very question in a hypothetical sense, pretending that you're talking about another friend that they don't know. If they come back and say 'well in that situation I'd like to know', then you tell them, albeit probably not on that evening; maybe even let them know anonymously if you're worried about them 'shooting the messenger'. If they say that they'd rather not know, then there you go- you thank them for their counsel and change the subject.

Pretty much the best solution IMO. I would use both the hypothetical drunken indiscresion and the longer term cheating as an example.

[Blitzen]

just tell him or you could try blackmailing her for sexual favours if she's really hot to keep stum

personally i would do the former

EXACTLY!!
If you dont want to be man enough to tell her husband then have a pop at her yourself.

You are no mate keeping this stuff to yourself so you might aswell have a squeeze of his Mrs. She sounds like a bit of a go'er so why not!