in need of some serious help.

[M0nkeyb0Y]

and my brother.. he spent the night in the cells on tuesday, stealing from an old man's back garden at 1:30 in the morning and no-one woke up when they banged on the door. so he's really not helping matters, cos if the SS hear about that, it's not gonna look good.

Mate - not sure how old you are, but let me tell you: you're handling this really maturely... I don't want to put anything on your shoulders but have you had a word with your brother about his behaviour and the potential consequences to your family? If no one else is, it may be listened to most coming from you...

Keep it up lad, we're all rooting for you.

As for antidepressants - I can't say I rated them... your Mum may appreciate some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) if the doc is willing to prescribe it?

Best
MB

[Mutley]

I have to say, I think it is a measure of these forums that you felt able to turn to them for advice, and that people would respond appropriately. That to me is fantastic. Been a lot of good advice and encouragement here.

You've done a couple of things I would have suggested - talk to your teachers, and contact ChildLine. And I agree with the other comments here on how well you are handling all this - it sounds like sheer hell, and I'm sure from your perspective something the seems to have no end.

You absolutely MUST make sure you are looking after yourself however. You are under an enormous amount of stress, effectively looking after your family. So you really need to find firstly an outlet for all you're dealing with (have any friends you can talk to in peace and quiet each week? physical activity is important too). Ultimately you should be getting some respite care of sorts as well, so you get a break. I'm sure that may not be something you can consider right now, but please don't underestimate the impact to you of what you are coping with.

Your latest update sounds positive; at this time of year especially, I wish you all the best, and hope that those you have contacted can make a real positive difference to you and your family's lives.


Muts.

[GheeTsar]

You absolutely MUST make sure you are looking after yourself however. You are under an enormous amount of stress, effectively looking after your family. So you really need to find firstly an outlet for all you're dealing with (have any friends you can talk to in peace and quiet each week? physical activity is important too).

+1

Matty, while nowhere near as difficult as the situation you are in, I was once trying to save my family from breaking up (Mum wanted to run away with some sleazy guy to the Carribbean, taking my (then) very young sister with her during my final year at uni). I found much "release" from all the burden and stress through physical exercise and to a lesser extent seeing a counsellor. I strongly agree with Mutley that you need to find something that works for you to find a release.

Hopefully the tablets your Mum is taking will kick in soon - I've got my fingers crossed for you all.

[peterb]

I am sorry to hear that things have got worse - I hope that things atrt getting better again soon - hang on in there though, you have done really well so far - so don't give up on it now (not that I think you will )

This is not a nice thing to say, but it does sound as if your mother is trying to use emotional blackail to make you feel bad, or feel she is controlling something (you).

Who suggested to your sister that she might be taken into care? Was it your Mother? As others have said, SS do try to keep families together (apart from anything else, it costs money to kkep children in care - cynical I know, but true)

As for SS getting involved, there are (again as others have said) legal requirements to inform SS.

However you can still talk to Childline if things start getting bad.

But whatever happens in the short term - believe in yourself ! You have done the right thing to help your suister, and ultimately you may find that you help your brother in the longer term.

I hope that in time your mother will also recognise that you have acted in the best interests of your family and that it results in a good outcome for all of you.

[GaryRW]

Matty, I lurk here a lot more than I post. Along with everyone else, I've been amazed at how you've coped with this. I'm lucky that I haven't been in a situation like yours, you're doing everything you should (including getting advice from appropriate people) so I won't try and give advice. I did want to make one point though:

It's possible that SS getting involved wasn't down to you directly. As far as I know, schools keep a pretty close eye on people who don't go to school and if they suspect that stuff is happening at home, they're within their rights (right or wrong) to call up social services to see what's going on. Likely this would have happened even if you hadn't spoken to anyone.

This sounds about right to me. It seems likely to me that SS would have got involved whatever you did - please don't beat yourself up over them getting involved.

[matty-hodgson]

i do understand that the SS have a legal requirement to get involved in certain circumstances.. but.. i should've been made aware of this instead of being deceived by one of the people i'd spoke to.

and yes, PeterB, i do think my mam is trying to use this against whole thing against me. like the other day when i was talking to my sister about the fact that she thought she was gonna get taken away.. and then my mam said "well you brought the SS round here, so you only have yourself to blame"
i really don't think she understands that i've tried to do the right thing.

and the medication my mam was on.. it went in the bin. she's decided she doesn't need it and she's fine. this obviously isn't right though and she needs the help.
i've tried looking into CBT and see how available it is. but she just won't go and see a GP about any of it so i'm really just wasting my time on some stupid woman that "knows what's best for her".

i've really just hit a dead end here.

[sammyc]

As I said previously, it does seem like your Mum is not at the point of facing she has problems - these things do take time, it doesn't mean she won't come around. Confronting shortcomings is a hard thing to do and sometimes you do really know you have to change, but it has to filter through.

I have had some experience with social services, not a similar situation, but from that I have to agree they can kind of trample in & not exactly be subtle. Maybe it's against some kind of protocol they didn't speak to you first, but I can't see why that should be so. That aside - what actually has been the upshot of them coming round? Are they keeping you in the picture now?

You can really only wait & see what happens over this next bit & keep your Dad involved (any other family that might pitch in btw?), like everyone has said keep your head down & look after yourself mate, you might have to just 'watch & wait' for a while - so keep on updating us like you're doing.

[Splash]

Matty

I'm among the many here who are very sad to see that things have taken a turn for the worst. I can't really say much that hasn't been said, but the offer from my previous PM stands and please do drop me a line if you want to chat about stuff.

[Keyboard]

Hi Matty,

I've read through this whole thread and like many others here I hope you can make the situation with your family better.

Don't blame yourself for SS getting involved. I agree with what's been said previously, your sisters school would have had no choice but to tell SS when they noticed she wasn't turning up.

Are you still keeping in contact with ChildLine? I had a look at their website and they are very keen to make it clear they can be trusted, and that they will talk to you first if they feel someone else needs to get involved. I don't know if you've seen this, but at the bottom of the main page you can click on the "Confidentiality promise" link. There they say:

"Is ChildLine Confidential?

We always want to keep calls to ChildLine confidential, but if we are very worried about your safety or the safety of others, we will talk to you about whether other people need to know. ChildLine will only take action if we feel it's an emergency and we will talk to you about this first."

Then a bit further on they say:

"Is ChildLine’s confidentiality different from school?

Yes, ChildLine’s confidentiality is different from school. There are a lot of things that your teacher couldn’t keep confidential that ChildLine can. That means you can feel safe to talk about anything you need to. Some children and young people tell us that their teacher suggested that they call ChildLine because of this."

This doesn't mean that the teachers necessarily told SS - we just don't know - but if ChildLine didn't say to you were going to do it, it wasn't them.

What I'm saying is I think you can trust ChildLine. I would definately keep talking to them if you can.

Just remember that there are people who care and want to help, even those ham-fisted SS are trying to help in their way.

I think you've been handling what is a challenging and stressful situation in a very mature way.

[matty-hodgson]

right.. well.. things have REALLY gone bad.

my brother's just moved out. he's gone to my dad's. so yeah.. my mam's downstairs crying and she's smashed the Sky remote and her glasses. i've got my sister sitting watching the TV in my room but she's not happy.. she knows there's something really up but she doesn't know my brother's moved out.

my sister wasn't at school again today either. i even tried staying at home until 8:10 when my mam should be up by and then tried waking her up and she just told me to "[bleep] off". so yeah, nothing really more that i can do than that. i need to get to school just as much.

and she's started drinking worse than ever aswell, she spent the whole of saturday in the pub cos my sister goes to my dad's over the weekend.

i think i might try and get my dad to take my sister over christmas and i'll go and live with my girlfriend, but i dunno what sort of state my mam could/would get into if i did that.

so yeah, things are a bit weird atm, just trying to sit this one out tbh. and make sure my sister's safe while my mam's like that.

[Disturbedguy]

Ouch, man, I really dont know what to say, I am sure others will have better advice than me.

Hoepfully your brother living with your dad for a bit will help your brother see where and what he is doing wrong. Getting your sister and yourself out of the house might actually make your mum see what she is doing and hopefully pull her out of it.

This is probably obvious, but to me, your mum losing her temper over your brother moving out, shows that somewhere deep inside she still cares about you, your brother and your sister.

I cant imagine what any of you are going through, especially your sister being so young, this may sound harsh, but atleast she knows that there is someone that gives a toss about her, and you being there for her now is something she will not forget, ever, I know I wouldnt if I were your younger brother.

Hang in there mate, it may be hard now, but by the sounds of it, things can only get better.

[TheAnimus]

remember the help lines are there to help, knowing some of the guys and gals who give their time freely they are top notch and will be happy to talk, even if its just about the football because you can't bring yourself to talk about the full issues.

Its in no way something to be scared off to have a talk with any of these people (NSPCC, Childline) they are friendly and no one will ever judge you or your family, no matter how you think things are, they have pretty much heard it all before.

Often in just explaining things to these people you will feel better about the situation, so don't be afraid to call them again, and again and again.

[peterb]

Matty, sorry to hear things have got even worse. However your brother moving in with your father may be a good thing if your father can provide some stability for him, and to soem extent it is one thing less for you to worry about.

Your mam's drinking is a recurrent theme, and the fact that she has binned the medication doesn't sound good. Childline and the NSPCC childline have both been mentioned, but you might like to visit the this website http://www.nacoa.org.uk/ - designed for people who are living with people who may have an alcohol problem. They also ahve an 0800 helpline that may be helpful - if only to re-assure you that you are not alone, and they may offer support.

To re-iterate though, you should not beat yourself up abpout SS involved - and while I can understand that yoiu feel that your trust has been breached (and I would if I were you) there may be reasons why they did that - apart from anything else SS have had some spectacular failures in the care they provide, and tend to be ultra cautios - not much comfort for you, but perhaps puts things in perspective.

But yoiu are putting your sister's interests first - and that is the most important thing.

Stay strong buddy - and make use of your own support network here.

peterb