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Recently, me and my new wife were visiting the local zoo, to see the animals. We had a good day, and we both enjoyed it very much; however, my wife spent an inordinately long time at the Racoon enclosure, throwing Racoon treats into the cage, and flirting like a big flirty-flirt pants.
When we got home, I wanted to slap the lamb, but she feigned a massive cardiac arrest to avoid even a kiss. Next day she wanted to return to the aforementioned collection of animal enclosures, primarily used for safe public viewing of rare and exotic animals.
When we arrived, my wife again wanted to spend time at the Racoon house. We arrived to see that the largest Racoon, a male named Limbo, had drawn a massive heart on the wall of the enclosure, from his own faecal matter. Inside this heart he had written ‘I luv ur front bottom’, again, in his own cacky-poo-poo.
I demanded that we leave immediately, but as I turned to go, Limbo broke free from his cage, and ran off with my wife, hand in paw. I grasped a smaller Racoon firmly by the jowl, and swinging it around my head, I chased after the couple, screaming ‘RACOOOOON!’, at the top of my voice.
The chase was a long and psychically demanding one, across 147 miles of wild untamed land. My wife gave up at around 75 miles, but I continued to pursue Limbo. Eventually, after what seemed like 3 hours (because it was), Limbo stumbled, on the corpse of a large toad, and came crashing to the earth.
I saw my chance, and again shouting ‘RACOOOOON!’, I swung the smaller Racoon at Limbo, catching him firmly on the very cusp of his chin; he screamed ‘Ow’ in Racoon language, and came at me with his Racoon claws and Racoon teeth!
A mighty fight to the death ensued, with me the eventual winner. As I stood there, surrounded by the corpses of Limbo, the smaller Racoon I had been using as a simple, though effective weapon, and the large toad, it suddenly came to me: We never paid to get into the zoo, on either the first or second occasions!
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lol 
less of the crazy pills plz 
