The Bible - The abridged version

[MaddAussie]

**Shamelessly nicked from another site**

Another site I frequent had a post on to retell famous stories from literature etc

Here is on posters go at the Bible

The Bible.

Nothing, light, world, no dinosaurs. Adam, Eve, apple. Murders, family rows, sulking, salty wives, more arguing, trumpets, giants, slavery, miracles, boat with elephants on, deliverance.

Baby born, bother, genocide, public order offences in church, miracles, fish, wedding catering, prostitutes, Romans, death, miracle, death. Letters, end of world.

[G4Z]

I can go one better

"Beginning, nonsense, end."

[MadduckUK]

I can go one better

"Beginning, nonsense, end."

I can go one better

"Nonsense"

[santa claus]

F1 - Cars, circles, nicole scherzinger, oops, kleenex.

[TeePee]

'Begat'

[MaddAussie]

'Begat'

Has some one read the bible according to Spike Milligan? I've got a signed copy it reads 'To Mark, I hope you die, Spike' The week before my birthday a mate happened to be in Rye and he bumped into Spike and begged him to wait two minutes while he ran to waterstanes and got a copy for him to sign.

[Perfectionist]

I was going to link to www.skepticsannotatedbible.com but then saw this on their blog, which is even better: 'Take the Sam Harris challenge: Improve the Bible, Quran, and Book of Mormon in less than five minutes', 06 May 2011, Steve Wells (Creator of the Skeptic's Annotated Bible / Quran / Book of Mormon)

youtube.com/watch?v=B7I9MhxgBo8

The truth is that religion, as we speak of it (Islam, Christianity, Judaism), is based on the claim that God dictates certain books. He doesn't code software; he doesn't produce films; he doesn't score symphonies. He is an author. And this claim has achieved credibility because these works are so profound that they could not possibly have been written by human authors.

...

How difficult would it be to improve the Bible?

Anyone in this room could improve the supposedly inerrant text scientifically, historically, ethically, or spiritually in a moment.

OK, so let's try to improve the Bible. I'll start by suggesting that the following passage be deleted.

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;

Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

That's much better. A kind and loving God wouldn't tell us to kill our family and friends for disagreeing with us about religion.

What about the Quran? Could that be improved?

How about removing this verse?

Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. Then if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Lo! Allah is ever High, Exalted, Great. Quran 4:34

There. Now men can't claim it's OK to beat their wives for being disobedient. That's quite an improvement, I'd say.

And now for the Book of Mormon.

I nominate the following verses for removal.

And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.

And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. 2 Nephi 5:21-23

Now the LDS church doesn't have as much to be embarrassed about.

And now it's your turn. Spend a few minutes improving these three perfect books.

This stuff is interesting too, from the comments:

Fuad Hasan said...

We can help allah to write a better Quran.

http://thebetterquran.com/
Sat May 07, 07:58:00 AM 2011

google.com/search?q="thebetterquran.com"
— councilofexmuslims.com/?topic=15018.0

All 3 Abrahamic religions appear to speak about a Supreme Being.

In so far the religions that support and worship a Supreme Being are

Zoroastrianism - Ahura Mazda

Abrahamic religions

Judaism - Yahweh
Christianity - Holy Trinity
Islam - Allah
Bahai - Allah

Dharmic religions

Hinduism [Brahma/Vishnu/Shiva/Saraswati/Lakshmi/Durga/Ganesha/Skanda]

Sikhism [Waheguru]

So if we identify a God who is not of a particular sort.

Some of these religions are more accurate in their definition/understanding of God. So of these religions one of them will be the "truest" of them all.

So if we manage to "establish" the "existence of God" somehow. Whichever religion comes closer to the establishment would be more rightful as claiming "God" as theirs.

Now what are the ways in which we can attempt to gauge which religion is specifically that of "God".

The answer is 1) only God knows for sure 2) there must be a way of finding this out

And from this I'm thinking of several.

- which of these religions was the first to speak about a Supreme Being?
- which of these religions is the oldest?
- which of these religions have evolved the most, in a way which reflective of human spiritual evolution and human capacity to understand God better?
- which of these religions have the most to say about the "supernatural
and "God" in terms of depth?
- which of these religions have the most to say about differing views about "God" - in terms of the nature of God in all ways so far?
- which of these religions have the most all-encompassing philosophies?
- which of these religions have the most sophisticated philosophies?
- which of these religions have the most complicated/intellectually rich scriptures?
- which of these religions concern themselves more than just God and seek to include all other aspects of human existence?
- which of these religions seem to have "God" involving Himself the most? an interaction of some sort? something we can find that would make us most sure should God choose to make Himself known to mankind and is concerned with mankind and the spirituality of mankind?
- which of these religions have concepts of revelations, and an extensive tradition surrounding them, and the most ancient of revelations?
- which of these religions seem to include all of humanity on a wider scope?
- which of these religions have more to say about the chosen individuals who recieved revelations?
- which of these religions have a specific ethnic group/bloodlines that trace themselves to these chosen individuals?
- which of these religions seem to be followable not just from the perspective of religion. but as a way of life to follow apart from the theological aspects?
- which of these religions are what the word "spirituality" truly stand for?
- which of these religions appear to be the most well rooted to the core of humanity?
- which of these religions are strongly centred in the region they originate from, not just simply but in a way that its history is written into its theology, and on a deep level that speaks beyond soil and people?
- which of these religions speak of the Supreme Being, in a way that He is most adorable?

Stephen said...

Sorry, Fuad,
You lost me when I read the following (under "The Women"):

Explicitly state "Do not hit her", or explicitly state to hit her lightly

New text:
1. Admonish them, refuse to share their beds, but do not beat them

2. Admonish them, refuse to share their beds, beat them lightly, not in the face, and do not bruise them

This is still unacceptably misogynistic. A "better" quran would contain proscriptions of *any* kind of physical or emotional abuse.
Steve
Sun May 08, 04:54:00 AM 2011

Daystar - And Hell doesn’t exist according to the Bible

thedaystar.webs.com/map.html - Insanely massive apologetic site, some interesting ideas mixed in with bat**** insane.

skanksta said...

Every single day, in every newspaper, pop-up, and radio station, we see and hear more amazing, more transcendent and more beautiful things, than can be found anywhere in these ancient books.

Todays, for example...

guardian.co.uk/science/2009/dec/22/stem-cell-treamtent-sight-blind
Mon May 16, 04:30:00 PM 2011

I'm one of the most rational people I know. Usually. But I wouldn't ever claim to know for certain what, if anything, is after death. There's a HELL of a lot of things we don't understand about the universe, just spend some time talking to a physicist (especially quantum ohmygod). I think a lot of things that we don't currently understand, in a few hundred years humanity will probably be (assuming it hasn't wiped itself out due to destroying our climate, biosphere that we feed and create medical treatments from, and its genetic diversity) looking back on and laughing at how primitive we were in our understanding of the universe - in the same way as medieval alchemy looks ridiculous to us now.

When it comes to organised religion, more so than other 'spiritual'/'paranormal' stuff though, there's a lot more stuff against it than for - especially due to the human mind's tendency to fix in set patterns as a sanity-saving measure in event of trauma. I've heard quite a few people say that their 'conversions' happened whilst under extreme stress. Psychological trauma can create deceptions from the same part of the brain that creates dreams, aiding and abetting hoodwinking the conscious mind in order to give a kind of mental shell in the same way as an oyster secretes a smooth covering over objects that irritate it to nullify the agitation and prevent harm.

Imagining that god has 'called' to them or shown them a 'sign' can give people who've had a bad time purpose and a reason to go on, but false hope is a cruel thing to give people because it results in them spending their entire lives abstaining from fun in order to - more than likely - get nothing more than Oblivion in the end. I think a lot of people don't want to think about such things because it's kind of like looking into a black hole that sends you mad because it challenges so MANY of the safety nets and preconceptions that people have at once, that some people simply cannot cope without to get through their days. Thinking of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy's Total Perspective Vortex especially, for example. Or "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.". Or a little more mainstream example, the Master from Doctor Who, heh. When I see hardcore fundamentalists condoning violence and hate against others, I totally think it's The Sound of Drums going through that head.

[peterb]

Windows 7 upgrade instructions:

Insert DVD, wait, wirrr, wait, wirrrr, wait, clickclick click, wirrr, wait, BSOD, reboot; repeat

[roachcoach]

My personal favourite was:

[gilljoy]

**Shamelessly nicked from another site**

Another site I frequent had a post on to retell famous stories from literature etc

Here is on posters go at the Bible

Brilliant, this made me laugh