break ups

[lynni]

My what was to be future sister in law as just broken up with her boyfriend after four years There appears to be no-one else involved, just after alot of rows and both being miserable she asked him if he was happy and was she what he wanted.... he said 'no and that after four years, he doesnt think they have had a relationship for two'

Things are an absolute mess for her, she has lost nearly all her mates - cos they had alot of mutal friends and now it seems they are siding with him, cos they are technically his mates before hers.

Never actually been through a break up that must be so heart breaking (although they certainly felt it at the time ) i dont know what to do for her, i dont know what to say, how i can help or anything

She is off work sick at the moment, because of the stress she is under.... and she is having to move out of the house they had together

Any ideas what i can do to help this poor girl? i just feel so stupid and helpless, saying 'yeah, hmmm, oh dear' all the time I cant get her to understand that although, im still going to have contact with her ex and i cant not really..... that iam also prepared to stand by her and help her get through this, she seems to think im going to walk away as well

[PriestJPN]

The next few months are gonna be hella rough and thats a fact; I know from experience of also breaking up with someone after 4 years. Everything even slightly related to her relationship is gonna cause friction and people don't often think clearly after a shock like that.

The only thing I'd suggest at this early stage is to be 'on-call' for whenever she needs you and let her get it out of her system. No-one wants to be on their own and that feeling is painfully real after a recent break up. Has taken me 6 months so far and I'm still not over it... :/

[lynni]

The next few months are gonna be hella rough and thats a fact; I know from experience of also breaking up with someone after 4 years. Everything even slightly related to her relationship is gonna cause friction and people don't often think clearly after a shock like that.

The only thing I'd suggest at this early stage is to be 'on-call' for whenever she needs you and let her get it out of her system. No-one wants to be on their own and that feeling is painfully real after a recent break up. Has taken me 6 months so far and I'm still not over it... :/

Thank you for rhe advice just didnt know if she is gonna want me around or if she will want to be on her own or what the hell.... And i want to say something to make her feel better or cheer her up, but everything which comes out my mouth just sounds stupid

i just feel really awkward with it all because i do have connections with her ex which i cant cut, cos he is family.... but she is also a really good friend

[lynni]

And another thing, we havent spoken for ages hence a huuuuuuuuuuuuge catch up needed, im dieing to tell her about some really good stuff going on in my life but i feel i cant atm, is this seen being selfish?

[PriestJPN]

As long as you let her know that you're around to talk or listen (and you may well be doing a lot of listening), I think thats good enough. The situation is complex as there is no quick fix for this; she'll need time alone but she'll also need time to talk it all out.

Maybe mention a few things in your life, but I wouldn't say too much that ultra cheerful. It is good to have your mind taken off it, but things like that tend to occupy your mind whether you want it or not soon after it happens. Empathise, but I wouldn't suggest courses of action like 'you need to get out more' or 'lets get drunk'. Don't forget that shes upset and may well get angry and irrational which could be directed at the wrong person.

Keep an eye on her and things should work out; just expect a bit of turmoil before then.

[Apex]

Not at all.

I had to cope with my wife walking out on me which i have done. It taught me a few things and one of them is to keep busy if you don't you end up with things running threw you mind.

Now i have to cope with anne breaking up, i don't understand her reasons and i'll prolly never will, i still love her but the fact that she kept all these problems to her self without disccusing it with me hurts a lot.

all i can say and it might be harsh is life goes on !

Andrew

[lynni]

As long as you let her know that you're around to talk or listen (and you may well be doing a lot of listening), I think thats good enough. The situation is complex as there is no quick fix for this; she'll need time alone but she'll also need time to talk it all out.

Maybe mention a few things in your life, but I wouldn't say too much that ultra cheerful. It is good to have your mind taken off it, but things like that tend to occupy your mind whether you want it or not soon after it happens. Empathise, but I wouldn't suggest courses of action like 'you need to get out more' or 'lets get drunk'. Don't forget that shes upset and may well get angry and irrational which could be directed at the wrong person.

Keep an eye on her and things should work out; just expect a bit of turmoil before then.

Well ive made double sure she has my mobile number, so she can contact me if im not online and we have arranged to go out next weekend.... go and see a film, maybe get some food beforehand

Thanks for your help, ive been feeling like a complete dumbass for the last couple of days

[0iD]

Not at all.

I had to cope with my wife walking out on me which i have done. It taught me a few things and one of them is to keep busy if you don't you end up with things running threw you mind.

Now i have to cope with anne breaking up, i don't understand her reasons and i'll prolly never will, i still love her but the fact that she kept all these problems to her self without disccusing it with me hurts a lot.

all i can say and it might be harsh is life goes on !

Andrew

I had a similar situation
met my 1st wife when I was 18 & she was 16. We were happy, bought a house, had 2 wonderful daughters, & 8 years of (supposed) happiness.
Then in the space of 7 months we got married, moved to a big new house, & she left me. Well to be precise, she said she didnt want me any more, packed my bag for me & shew me the door. Right out of the blue.
I tried living 2 weeks with my folks, didnt work, too many "i told u so's & I never liked her anyway's". Lived rough & squatted for a year before I finally found my feet.

Anyhoo, depressing bit over, life goes on, eh. Now re-married, 2 more kids & blissfully happy. What can I say, Sh*t happens.


Lynni m8, u're an absolute angel. She's an incredibly lucky gal to hav u as a friend, bless yer lil cotton sox

[PriestJPN]

Well ive made double sure she has my mobile number, so she can contact me if im not online and we have arranged to go out next weekend.... go and see a film, maybe get some food beforehand

Thanks for your help, ive been feeling like a complete dumbass for the last couple of days

Don't feel too bad; I've been on both sides of the proverbial fence and you do feel helpless whether you're looking after someone in this situation or having it happen to you.

It affects everyone differently; some people go down hard - depression, weight loss, odd behavior and the like. I don't mean to sound miserable, but in a perverse way it can be worse than grieving for someone who has died as its difficult to get closure. It sounds like the cheesiest cliche, but time does indeed heal, whether it takes a a month or a year or more... It will get better for her.

[Emzay]

I'm confused, is this your brother's girlfriend? :s

[shiato storm]

cup of tea & good chat...always helps to know someone there when the sh*t goes down. Splitting up is one of life's challenges, you get to know someone really well and just like that they're suddenly a different personand its time to turn the page on that one and move on...there's always a way out and yes we all get sad when we lose who or what we thought we could trust on but people are excellent at adjusting to change, surprisingly quickly too. As humans we also have the advantage of being able to learn from our experiences, good or bad, and then go for what we know we like.
things will always get better...and out of what at this stage can olny be thought of as a bad experience, good will come out of it in the end

[lynni]

I'm confused, is this your brother's girlfriend? :s

No its tumbles brothers girlfriend.... but me and her got on really well, and he is like the big brother i dont i have

[Emzay]

oh right ok, i was confused and thougth you'd married tumble or something

[iMc]

i think i've been through a break up that bad,although it wasn't for as long... i lost friends, my sanity... my life. but thankfully im back on track and imc ain't a baddie like that horrible boy was.

[sweuzo]

god damn i tell ya he never bloody logs out.

[lynni]

Why cant people just be honest? it appears there is more to this break up, now that im over on the iom then she has actually let on to me over the past two weeks

She has moved into her new home last week, and so yesterday me and tumble went to see her.... upstairs in her bedroom was this lad painting the walls immediately i was suspicious but i thought 'ok calm down, he might just be the painter and decorater'. So we go downstairs and sit down in the living room, and he comes and joins us, sits on the arm of her chair and starts playing with her hair, putting his arm around her and stroking her knee!!! as i go and get my drink off the table, i notice a 12 pack of Durex Ribbed underneath the coffee table i didnt know where to put myself, where to look or anything..... tumble must have noticed them at the same time, cos drinks were drank rather quickly and we left sharpish.

Whats annoyed me is the fact ive been her only 'apparent' friend for the last 2 weeks, cos hes 'pushed everyone' against her (he hasnt, shes brought all this on herself but hasnt told me the truth). Ive made myself available to her, ive gone out of my way to be there for her when ive had other things to do e.g. comeing online for 5 mins to check my emails spotting her on msn, and speaking to her to make sure shes ok and still being there two hours later having not got done the things i needed to so she has had plenty of chance to tell me about this guy and doesnt.... leaving me feeling like a complete tonk thats been s*** on from a great height

I dont care if she has found a new bloke, thats none of my business..... but she wanted my friendship enough to moan and cry on my shoulder but then leaves out a rather major piece of the jigsaw and a few details about what really went on in the relationship, which just shows this isnt so black and white has she has made it out to be and he isnt such the git either