Fun For Friday

[EvilMunky]

OK so im a little early / late. But still, they are good ones.
+



The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
(Colin Fergus at the Pleasance)


My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a rubbishrubbishrubbishrubbish.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)


Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)


I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something
funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)


A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)


My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)


You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you
murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...Self-raising?"
(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(Jimmy Carr)


I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
(Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork ...
(Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned
out it was a bloody hoax.
(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
(Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)


Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign
that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try. What a
rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
(Seymour Mace at Caf"Ðoyal)


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)


Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious,
but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
(Colin Ramone at The Stand)

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
(Arnold Brown at The Stand)

[Zedmeister]

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

Brilliance!

[ajbrun]

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

That one made me laugh.

[Rob]

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

That is gonna make me laugh UNTIL Friday