My dad needs to....

[realm]

Well sorry for this long thread and if i go off the plot a bit but there is certain things i need to get off my chest that i can't just come out with only write down. Earlier on today my so called dad turned myself and the rest of my family's life upside down..

Here is where the story begins.. My mum and dad have been together for around 25+ years and they have my self who is 20, my little sister who is 4 going on 5 and my older brother who is 32 but from a past relationship on my mum’s side. Anyway my mum has recently shared concern with me about my dad as he is one of them men that go out a lot and tend to go pub most nights. This has been the case for as long as i remember so thought nothing off it. But my mum has been noticing changes so my mum decides to confront him last night. Before that me and my fiancé ,daughter and brother and his family all went out for a meal with my mum and little sister after the meal we said goodbye and said we would talk later.. I ring my mum around 10 o'clock and my so called dad answers.. He sounded funny so thought something was wrong. I asked "where is mum" he replied “she is on her way round to yours" at this point i thought why is she... he then gave me the news the lying pr**k has been having an affair with the women across the road from my parents. Who is not only my mum’s friend, my friend and the whole family hairdresser but also her daughter is my sisters best friend.

I froze when he told me and i hung up and my mum burst threw the door and collapsed in tears. I can/could not believe he has done this to her after 25+ years. I want to go round and smash his head threw a brick wall but because of my little sister i won't. My mum is the nicest person that is on this earth and would help anyone anytime without i thought for her self. To top this all off though its my sisters 5th birthday next week and Christmas round the corner and all this has to be told to her tomorrow she loves my so called dad and this will break her heart. I am going to move in with my mum for a couple of weeks as she is distort at the moment and so am i and the rest of the family.. Only 3 weeks ago both my dad and the mistress/bitch both attended my daughter christening now he has lost all right to see me or his grand daughter grow up.

One of my main concerns is that my dad is going to be sneaky on this and sell his assets. You see is quite well off and has a mortgage business and is making around 80k+ a year but most of it is either in properties, business or paying things off like his brand new BMW 6 series which he prob just bought to impress the daft bi**ch across the road. Anyway has anyone gone threw this and know the best proceeding to go threw? We will be seeing a lawyer tom anyway but anyone got any advice..

Cheers
Adam

[Rave]

I'm lucky, my parents broke up completely amicably. Anyway, my only advice is not to do anything you might later regret. You're furious with your dad now and rightly so, but at the end of the day he's still your dad, and your daughter's grandad. Apart from anything else it would be unfair on her for her never to see her grandad.

Support your mum as best you can, and say as little as possible to your dad while you both cool off. There's no point worrying about what he does with his assets, if the worst happens and your parents end up going through a messy divorce, the court will divide up their assets fairly whether he's liquidated them or not.

I hope this doesn't sound like harsh advice, and I really am sympathetic. At the end of the day though: 'act in haste, repent at leisure'.

Rich :¬)

[Rob]

Whoa, that's a biggie mate. Sorry to hear that. I'm afraid I can't really offer any advice, apart from staying strong and mature for your mum.

Unfortunately, these things happen. The only solace you can take (and I am not condoning your dads actions), is that he is probably hurting as much as you. People do these things because they don't think they'll get caught, and therefore come under 'if the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve'. They are very rarely done purely to cause hurt.

I know this doesn't help you at the moment, but I at least had to reply (let you know you have some support). You will hate me for saying this, but time is a great healer, trust me. Try not to hate your dad forever. Yes, his actions were appalling, but they were not done with the intention of hurting anyone. It is an all too common failing of the homo-sapien male.

Just be there for your Mum and your family. Be strong, and try and avoid slanging matches. They really do only make things worse. By doing this, you can prove who is the bigger man.

Hope this helps in some way...



Rob


*edit* As usual, Rave's wisened words beat me to it - But the sentiments the same

[daniel_owen_uk]

Pretty much echoing whats already been said, be there for your mum, don't worry about the financial issues, worry about the emotional issues, avoid contact with your dad, you fighting with him (verbally or physically) won't help your mum.

[realm]

Thanks for the reply's guys it means a lot.. Well i will have to see what happeneds today as we are all going round to get him out of the house and my mum in there with my little sister.. I am not going to do anything i regret as i love my family too much and and would never risk going to prison etc.. but then again i do not know what i will do if i see the women across the road i might just flip out.. He has been on the phone to my mum this morning saying he wants to talk etc.. I hope to god she does not take him back as this has happened before with a unknown women when i was 13. Anway will keep you all informed after i go round and confront them all.

[Rave]

Keep calm then mate. Good luck.

Rich :¬)

[0iD]

Go and see a family lawyer, some give free advice. Especially those recomended by the Citizens Advice Beuro.

[Howard]

As said, stay strong mate. It's not a nice thing Just make sure you stay calm and don't do anything you might regret later.

Take care

[Kezzer]

Damn that sucks My family goes through really rough patches all the time although my dad has manic depression so an affair is the least of our worries :X

Best thing is to be there for your family, also, don't just completely ignore your dad, he is human afterall and no matter how bad it is we can't stand back and judge something which we can't even begin to comprehend so violence is definitely not the answer.

Be there for your mum mainly, over 25 years of marriage is a long long long time. Longer than i've been born in fact so definitely be there for your mum (and think about yourself as well!)

[Zak33]

and remember something else..something horrible to consider now, but I'll say it anyway.

He is your father. He is your father. He is your father.

He is now about to loose all his family for one single person. It's a high price
Your Mum will have all the family except him.

He might actually be worse off, and your Mum might be better off.

Sorry to sound...unusual....and my best thoughts DO go to your Mum

But remember.....he is your father. He is not actually the Anti Christ. He is not Sadam Hussein. He is not Osama Bin Laden. He isn't a mass murderer. He is your father. And he must have been unhappy as it was for him to change his life. He might well be very wrong to do it. But he is your father.

And trust me.....you wouldnt want to lose him. Maybe you do this year. But in 5 years time....he'll still be your father.

Hope I haven't caused you ofence or more hurt. It's not my intention. Please keep your chin up and support your Mum.

But remember your Dad He's still your Dad.

[realm]

I can understand everyone's point of views on here.. And i do understand that he is my dad and so on.. But in actually fact he has never been much of a dad anyway. My mum has the one that has always been there for us.. Also sorry to mislead but they have only been married for just over 1 year but been together for over 25 years which is hard to believe why he would do this if he wanted to marry her a year ago.. I spoke to him on the phone today and all he could say was sorry like that means anything... He and my mum both spoke today and he had the nerve to say he loves this other women and when my mum rang her she said she loves him..

He told my mum he wants to stay till after Christmas till he finds somewhere to live.. The nerve of the guy is unbelievable.. Anyway we ended up packing all his remaining stuff and throwing it at the side of the house.. At the moment i am feeling to many things but one thing that does stay in my mind is if he does choose to be with this so called friend/whore then that really is the end of him ever seeing us.. But if he choosing the route that is more dignified then maybe in a couple of years i can think about communicating with him.. They have no idea the amount of people hurt in this situation as the women across the road also has 2 kids.. both under 8 and the husband is beyond devastated.. Well i will keep you all informed on things to come..

[iMc]

so sorry to hear about stuff like this, been though parent break ups twice (mum/dad and then mum/stepdad) so i know exactly how and what you are feeling right now. honestly the best thing you can do is talk about it and forums like this are some of the best places to do it. the last thing you want to do though is take your anger out on your dad. that will just add to the problems. be strong...

[dazedhorizon]

and remember something else..something horrible to consider now, but I'll say it anyway.

He is your father. He is your father. He is your father.

He is now about to loose all his family for one single person. It's a high price
Your Mum will have all the family except him.

He might actually be worse off, and your Mum might be better off.

Sorry to sound...unusual....and my best thoughts DO go to your Mum

But remember.....he is your father. He is not actually the Anti Christ. He is not Sadam Hussein. He is not Osama Bin Laden. He isn't a mass murderer. He is your father. And he must have been unhappy as it was for him to change his life. He might well be very wrong to do it. But he is your father.

And trust me.....you wouldnt want to lose him. Maybe you do this year. But in 5 years time....he'll still be your father.

Hope I haven't caused you ofence or more hurt. It's not my intention. Please keep your chin up and support your Mum.

But remember your Dad He's still your Dad.

indeed wise words

Bad time of year and hope everything go's ok Cant addmuch really as its all been said apart from be strong and get things done amicably and dont let your mum agree to anything unless she has sought legal advice.

Also do not lose your rag matey as this may be brought up in court if things turn out bad ... which I hope will not.

[Rave]

I can understand everyone's point of views on here.. And i do understand that he is my dad and so on.. But in actually fact he has never been much of a dad anyway. My mum has the one that has always been there for us..

Look I know we keep banging on about this....but don't write the guy off. My dad was a sh1t dad too....he was responsible for most of my various hangups. I would have had a better life up until now had he been a better father. But...now he's left....it's all in the past. I don't live with him anymore, so I don't have to put up with him all the time....I've sorted out a lot of the problems he was responsible for....and we have a pretty good relationship now. My wife and I have him (and his new partner) round to dinner, and I've been up to their house, and we get on fine. I'd be worse off had I just written him off and never spoken to him again.

Of course the traumatic events of the last couple of days will take time, possibly a long time, for everyone to get over. At the end of the day though, if you just decide that what he's done can never be forgiven, then you set yourself up for a lifetime of division. I never really got on with my dad, but my brother used to REALLY hate him. He spent a year living on the dole, really struggling even to eat properly in a student house, just because he was too proud to come home and live with my dad. Even he's mellowing out now; I doubt they'll ever be close friends, but they no longer just blank each other.

I suppose my message is: it's up to your parents how they deal with this. Support your mum as much as she needs it, but don't interfere. FWIW, my parents broke up two years ago. Two weeks ago it was my wife's 30th birthday; we held it at my Mum's house, and invited my Dad and his partner since we're friendly. Before I passed out in an alcoholic stupor, pretty much my last memory is of my mum and dad chatting away like old friends. Since they don't have any pretence any more, they were able to talk about mutual friends etc. and have a laugh with each other. There was no animosity there. A marriage breakup isn't the end of the world. However much it feels like your world has fallen apart, things will get better.

Rich :¬)