Some Jokes to lighten up your day

[Noxvayl]

TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

[dave87]

ROFL nice one

[Clunk]

where's the soap?

It duz dunnit.

[problemo]

Mom polar bear and son polar bear are walking on the north pole, and son suddenly asks:
"Mom, am I a polar bear?"

Mom tells him: "Of course you are, son."

They keep walking for some 15 minutes, and son turns to mom again and asks: "Mom, are you sure that I am a polar bear?"

Mom says: "Yes, my son, I'm sure that you are a polar bear."

They walk for another 15 minutes, and finally son turns to mom and asks: "Mom, are you absolutely, positively sure that I am a polar bear?"

Mom yells at him angrily: "I'M POSITIVE! You look like a polar bear, and besides, I am a polar bear, and your father is a polar bear, so what else could you be? Why do you keep asking me the same question over and over again?"

Son answers: "It's just that I'm f*cking freezing."

[Bazzlad]

[jimmy carr]

I read the other day that in what we spend in one week on groceries, in one week, we could feed the third world for a year.

I don't know about you, but I think, we're being ripped off for our groceries.


---------------------

Some people will stop at nothing for charity.

---------------------

I went into Dixon's the other day, and was recognised by the assistant.
"Hey you're that mad bloke off the telly"
I said, yes, that's me.
He said, "No, you're that mad bloke - OFF THE TELLY!"
,
[/jimmy carr]

[chicken]

More Jimmy Carr:

...a woman approached me after one of my shows... she was quite a big-boned woman... she said "i think youre fattist"....... i said "no, no...... i think youre fattest"

[jackvdbuk]

More Jimmy Carr:

...a woman approached me after one of my shows... she was quite a big-boned woman... she said "i think youre fattist"....... i said "no, no...... i think youre fattest"

lol jimmy carr is a class act! love his style of jokes

you should all see his stand up shows if you havent already

[Noxvayl]

I like to see people enjoying my thread
Here is another joke for you:

Postman Pat - The best blonde joke by far!!!



It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.



When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.



At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box.



The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.



At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.



When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"



"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".



He said, "F*** him. Give him five bucks."



She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

[Snakedoc]

Slightly rude jokes in here, look away if your offended.


Trouble is Postman Pat in British, so he wouldnt be delivering Royal Mail in the US.

Knock, Knock

whos there

Bigish

Bigish who

No thank you

Theres this trainee nun, working in the convent garden, spreading seeds in the vegetable patch, when suddenly a huge flock of Black brids swoop down and start pecking up all the seeds.

The Nun is furious and screams at the birds, "F off, go on f off you little b's, f off the lot of you!"

Sister supierour is walking by and hears this and says to the Nun, "Now, now Sister Mary, you must not say that naughty word, you must say Shoo, shoo! and they f off just the same!"

[Noxvayl]

Theres this trainee nun, working in the convent garden, spreading seeds in the vegetable patch, when suddenly a huge flock of Black brids swoop down and start pecking up all the seeds.

The Nun is furious and screams at the birds, "F off, go on f off you little b's, f off the lot of you!"

Sister supierour is walking by and hears this and says to the Nun, "Now, now Sister Mary, you must not say that naughty word, you must say Shoo, shoo! and they f off just the same!"

ROFL nice 1

[Nick]

Okay, as fun as jokes are, keep them clean and swear free. There is no 9 o'clock watershed on HEXUS.

[Noxvayl]

Okey dokey will do

[IBM]

Knock, Knock

whos there

Bigish

Bigish who

No thank you

Marvelous....that'll be getting some serious usage today.

[twiglet]

where's the soap?

It duz dunnit.

i love this joke, 99.9% of people don't get it without an explaination.........doesnt really work when you type it though, the interpretation of words is lost still love it tho!

[Bazzlad]

explanation needed

[dave87]

What Bazz said. Clunk's being even more cryptic than usual.