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Thread: Things that make you feel like a man.

  1. #1
    Easy Tiger!!!
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    Talking Things that make you feel like a man.

    I was sent this earlier

    1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

    2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

    3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

    4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish, noisy destruction.

    6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

    7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
    evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big
    night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes
    for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in
    the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes
    in line".

    11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or
    can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
    Stitch that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
    doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ****ed.
    However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

    14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
    apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast
    man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
    Congratulations, you are now your dad.

    16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
    changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with
    any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying
    the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don.
    The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we
    get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George,
    it is then. Seven. See ya."

    20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
    Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
    technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

    21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
    toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we
    can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand
    resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.
    Aaaah.

    22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if
    you didn't make a fuss, like Roy Keane playing two games with
    broken ribs. Proper hard.

    23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that?
    Are you mad, bint?"

    24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says "Yeah, that's right, I'm going for a ****"
    Last edited by Steve; 30-03-2005 at 05:09 PM. Reason: Edited a swear word

  2. #2
    mutantbass head Lee H's Avatar
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    Quality List there mate, all are true especially the phonecall one

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    #24 Reminded me so much of mi dad
    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Blitzen
    When I say go, both walk in the opposite direction for 10 paces, draw handbags, then bitch-slap each other!

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    www.evilmunky.com EvilMunky's Avatar
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    all so true

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    mutantbass head Lee H's Avatar
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    Damn... I've done #5 and got told to stop "misbehaving" by the people that work at the local tip as I was throwing items in a way as to try and break the screen of the old ferguson 21" "wooden effect" Television that was in the skip.

    Everytime I threw an item in all you could here was .... "Diiiink, Diiiink, Diiiink"

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    HEXUS webmaster Steve's Avatar
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    Poking a fire with a stick - manly as!

    Looking under the bonnet of a car - also manly.
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    HEXUS.timelord. Zak33's Avatar
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    6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
    I used to drink EVERYONES drink ....the lot....beer, cider, wine, scotch....in it goes...

    I used to then chuck it all up

    REAL MAN

    Quote Originally Posted by Advice Trinity by Knoxville
    "The second you aren't paying attention to the tool you're using, it will take your fingers from you. It does not know sympathy." |
    "If you don't gaffer it, it will gaffer you" | "Belt and braces"

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    HEXUS.Metal Knoxville's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MasterFlash

    6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

    9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
    evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big
    night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes
    for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in
    the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes
    in line".

    19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we
    get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George,
    it is then. Seven. See ya."
    I've done all those already today and they did indeed make me feel like a real man

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    Dark Souled Warrior Auran's Avatar
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    25. Waking up on your mates sofa with a mouth like Ghandi's Flip Flop, so you grab the nearest thing to drink, vaguely recognising that its a warm can of Stella, then drink it anyway
    If it ain't broke, fetch a bigger hammer

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    Senior Member Tumble's Avatar
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    driving home AND reverse parking neatly in a car with no accelerator THAT'S well 'ard....

    Quote Originally Posted by The Quentos
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    Bonnet mounted gunsight megah0's Avatar
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    for Knox:

    waking up with a headache, breaking the ice on the bucket of booze outside, drinking 9 bottles of lager between breakfast and lunchtime at which point we get the bus home.

    Everyone else looking at him thinking "animal" and Az looking like he is going to be sick.

    Manly to the core
    Recycling consultant

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    HEXUS.Metal Knoxville's Avatar
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    Its the only way to properly get over a hangover, many houseparties have taught me that over the years, besides an ice cold beer at 9am = bliss tbh, the water was bleedin cold though :-/

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    10 men standing round a BBQ with beer grunting about sausage cooking time and engine oil.... pure man.

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    Barely posting since 2006 bertie's Avatar
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    Hehe got several chuckles out of that -all true! Going to the tip is a good one

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    Drop it like it's hot Howard's Avatar
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    Pink & Fluffy! Elmo's Avatar
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    *grunts and walks off*

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